


To Be a Man

by cernicalo



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-30
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 08:29:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 63,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/416805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cernicalo/pseuds/cernicalo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a brutal experience, Blair tries to re-define his self-image.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, these guys don't belong to me and I get nothing from this other than personal satisfaction. Huge thanks to Annie Booker for the beta and to Ahavia for her input. Hugs!

"Adversity introduces a man to himself." - Author Unknown  


Chapter 1  


Blair Sandburg woke up under some bushes in a park. Bleary-eyed and nauseated, he had no idea how he got there nor what had happened. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was wet and he was freezing. He was also naked except for his watch. Five am flashed on the face. He blinked and looked around and saw a pile of clothes and then realized they were his own. Reaching out with one trembling arm he gasped as he became aware of the sudden deep aches all over his body. Dropping his head to his outstretched arm and groaning, he lay still for a moment and took stock of his body. He really did ache all over, but most notably his ass ached with a deep throbbing pain that his mind refused to acknowledge at first. Taking deep breaths he again attempted to move and felt like his body was ripping in half. With another deep groan he grabbed his clothes, also damp from morning dew and stinking of vomit, and struggled to get them on despite the pain. He was tying his shoes, his mind refusing to acknowledge what his body was trying to tell him. Mind numb, he made his way home.  


Shaking, the young man stumbled as he walked more on autopilot than with any real awareness of where he was. Every step made him hurt all over with a bone-deep ache but he pushed it away, concentrating instead on trying to remember what had happened the night before. He bumped into someone, maybe an early morning jogger, and then heard a disgusted sound and the words “fucking drunk” directed at him. He flinched away but kept moving.

  


Flashes of memory assaulted his mind as he tried to piece together what had happened the night before. He remembered meeting some friends at Sandy’s Tavern, a popular hangout for both the college crowd and local football fans. But then what? As usual, the place was packed, but last night it had been almost manic, the noise level high as the locals celebrated a spring matchup win over a rival team. He recalled laughing out loud at the boisterous crowd because he knew it would only get worse when football season really got started. He’d commented on it to his friends and they had agreed. He remembered thinking that the mixture of academics, athletes and working class fans was very intriguing. He’d considered a possible study on the overlapping environment of a working class culture and academia with regard to cultural beliefs of sports performance and ritual in relation to society’s view of idealized masculinity. He remembered being jazzed because he found that idea very cool.

  


Blair remembered getting up to use the bathroom and having to fight his way through a seemingly solid wall of over-muscled flesh. It was as though every one of the guys there last night had been at least as tall as Jim, making Blair’s five foot seven-inch height seem miniscule in comparison. His thoughts went back to the idea of idealized masculinity: height, muscle, aggression… Well, at least he had the market cornered in cute or so he’d been told, he thought with a self-deprecating smirk. He’d made it back to his table, but found that it had been pretty much taken over by strangers. Looking around, he finally saw his friends gathering their raincoats and waving him over. It was too loud, too packed they said. They were calling it a night. He didn’t disagree but didn’t feel like going back to an empty loft just yet. Jim had gone with Simon to a conference. He’d begged out of going because he’d been planning on attending a Saturday lecture from a visiting anthropologist, so he was on his own until Sunday night. He said his goodbyes and, looking around, noted another group of TAs still hanging out. He decided to join them.

  


The bar was so crowded. He was sitting with his back to the center of the room when he felt a subtle tug on his hair, almost like someone was playing with it. He turned but everyone seemed to be looking away. He turned back to the conversation but felt it again a few moments later. His friends asked what was wrong as he turned but he just shook his head, unable to tell who was messing with him. When another couple joined them, he gave up his seat to the girl. He shifted to a spot against the wall and put his beer on the ledge behind him. He leaned down to talk to Steve from Ancient Languages, practically having to yell directly into his ear over the noise. It was getting really ridiculous, he decided. Annoyed, he straightened and decided to call it a night, too. Reaching behind him he grabbed his beer and downed it. Then, saying his goodbyes, he started to push his way out of the bar.

  


Despite the cold spring temperature, the air outside of the bar was incredibly refreshing. Blair hadn’t realized how hot and dizzy he’d become in the stifling atmosphere inside. He’d started to make his way to his car when he stumbled on something, but for the life of him he didn’t know what it was. Man, he was really starting to feel out of it. He dropped his car keys as he fumbled to get the door open. He leaned down to pick them up but suddenly found himself looking at two pairs of shoes. He looked up into two shadowed faces, the streetlight over them making their features hard to see but he was so dizzy and becoming more disoriented as the seconds passed. He tried to ask what was happening but his tongue was so thick and unwieldy he couldn’t form the words and then the world turned black. The next time he became aware he found himself blindfolded and wedged in between two behemoths in the back seat of a car. No, not a car, it was bigger, more like an SUV. It was all so disjointed but Blair was sure they were fondling him. He remembered struggling and pushing at the hands with all his strength, but the only response was male laughter.

  


Blair stopped on that thought, swaying slightly in the chilly morning air. With a gasped breath, he looked around, fear flooding through him at the memories. Oh, God… Who had they been? What had they –? He felt an overwhelming need to be somewhere safe, to get home. Right now! He started to run with an odd, lurching gait. He wanted to cry out but he felt ashamed though he didn’t understand why and didn’t want to bring any more attention to himself. Where was he? With a quiet sob, Blair looked around, panic hovering just below the surface. It took a moment before he realized that he knew where he was. Two streets over was Prospect. He was almost home. He broke into a run.

  


_No, no, man, it didn’t happen… No!_ Blair sobbed as he fumbled with the lock on the door, grateful that his keys had been left in his pocket. Finally getting the door open, he practically fell into the loft but he righted himself and slammed the door behind him. He threw the bolt and got the chain in place on the third try.

  


_He fought while large men on each side of him grabbed him by the biceps. They each grabbed his thighs and lifted him yet again to impale him on a thick cock and he screamed. Another pair of hands on his hips helped lift him and slam him down over and over and only then did he realize that there were at least three of them, maybe more. That thought was obliterated as the thick cock slid deeper and deeper inside of him, splitting him in two in a blaze of agony as he threw his head back and kept screaming and screaming…_

  


Blair moaned and slipped to his knees; sickness and fear rolled over him and he began a mad scramble to the bathroom to retch and gag over the toilet and then the world blacked out.

  


The next thing Blair knew was the coolness of tile against his face. He didn’t know where he was for a moment and then realized he was on the bathroom floor, the bathroom in the loft. Mercifully blank for a moment, all he knew was that he was home. He turned his face and felt the cool floor on his forehead. What the hell had happened? He tried to push himself upright and the sudden flare of pain through his body made him gasp. _Oh, God! What the hell…?_ He moaned and sat up a bit more but a new, sharper pain made itself known and he remembered… _oh, God_ …he remembered. A sob tore its way out of his throat as more memories assailed him. He’d made it back after waking up in the park. He remembered that…struggling to make it up the stairs because the elevator was out again. He’d made it into the loft and he got sick. He must have passed out on the floor. Jim? No, Jim was gone and Blair was suddenly glad that he wouldn’t see him like this. He pushed strands of sweaty hair out of his eyes to look at his watch and he realized it was just after eleven am. He remembered looking at his watch earlier, yeah, so it had been over six hours since he awakened in that park. He curled up a bit. His belly ached and he was still a little nauseated but he felt a little clearer. Blair levered his stiff and aching body up a bit more. He didn’t want to remember but he had to.

  


Blair grimaced at the sudden memory of hands on him, rubbing his crotch. He remembered his feeble attempts to push the hands away and the laughter that resulted. So, they’d drugged him. Okay, made sense. But then what happened? Shit, he couldn’t remember. He dropped his head into his hands, shoving his fingers through his hair and felt cut ends. _What?_ His fingers felt across his scalp and found another spot where his hair had been cut close to the skin. He forced himself to stand up. Looking at himself in the mirror he saw three shorn sections, two at his left temple and one on top of his head. He also noted how pale he was and the dark shadows under his eyes. Bruises had formed across his jaw and neck, disappearing down his shirt collar so he began to rip off his clothes. He looked down and saw bruising on his biceps and wrists as well as across his stomach and back. Memories of fists and kicks suddenly came to mind. They beat me, he thought disjointedly. He fought them, he knew he did, but beating him up wasn’t what they wanted.

  


He struggled to remember and then an overwhelming sense of shame and humiliation flooded through him as he recalled what happened and his eyes flooded with tears. _Oh, God, Jim!_ He needed Jim. But Jim couldn’t know about this. He couldn’t know what had happened. Blair turned to the shower and stumbled in, turning the water on as hot as it would go. He began to scrub himself as memories of the night filtered through his mind.

  


_“No, fucking bastards! No! STOP!” He screamed in fury and pain, struggling against the bonds that secured his hands behind his back. A big, muscular body rubbed against him. He could feel a hard ridge rubbing against his ass and hip, knew that whoever had him was turned on by his helplessness. Large hands held him down, petting and fondling him and he yelled his outrage again but was answered only by soft laughter._

  


_“Scream all you want, sweetheart. No one will hear you,” a low voice whispered at his side and he turned instinctively despite the cover over his eyes. He tried to pull away but another set of hands kept him in place. He didn’t know how many there were; it seemed like a dozen from the hands pinching and grabbing him seemingly everywhere at once. They held him down and stripped him after he’d vomited all over himself leaving him icy cold, dizzy, and sick from whatever drug they’d given him. Why was this happening? Who were these guys? A hand clamped around his jaw and more beer was poured down his throat. He gagged and coughed then another mouth claimed his, a hot tongue forcing its way between his teeth and down his throat, gagging him. He tasted beer and the bitter tang of cigarettes and he wanted to bite down on the vile invader slithering against his tongue but bruising fingers still pinned his jaw. The bastard finally let go of his mouth and he felt bile gather at the back of his throat but there wasn’t anything left to vomit. His moans were the only sound as he struggled against the mouth covering his. He gasped for a breath as the mouth moved away but one hand remained fisted in his hair as other maddening hands kept stroking his skin, petting him. Hot murmured endearments whispered into his ears telling him how pretty he was, how sweet, how like a girl he was..._

  


Blair opened his eyes as his stomach heaved. He was kneeling in the shower, his hands clutching the spigot with a death grip. He leaned over just in time to retch more bile into the drain. No, he didn’t want to think about this, didn’t want to understand the pictures flashing through his mind. Again he wished Jim was with him and then shook his head. No, there was no way he wanted Jim or anyone else to know about this. He looked down and stared in shock at the pink-tinged water sliding down the drain. He was bleeding. Oh God, how badly? With shaking fingers he tried to probe but it hurt too much. He couldn’t seem to stop staring at the water draining away. He didn’t know how long it took, but a bit later he noticed that the water was now running clear. He took a deep breath in relief. Maybe he wasn’t hurt that badly. He just needed a little time, that was all.

  


His stomach settling, he got up on shaky legs and continued to shower. He tried to turn the temperature up only to find that it was as high as it would go, so he again started scrubbing his body, determined to wash away all of the filth. He was still scrubbing as the water turned icy cold. Exhausted, he pulled himself out of the shower and crawled to his bed.

  


Curled into a ball as much to ease the ache in his body as in misery, Blair thought about what he was going to do. He knew he should report this but he really couldn’t remember, couldn’t picture who’d done it. But even as the logical part of his brain told him what he needed to do, he also knew that he never would. He’d washed away most, if not all of the evidence…except what might be inside of him. God, he hoped they’d used condoms. He shook his head. He didn’t want to think about that right now…couldn’t… He began to breathe faster but it seemed that none of the air reached his lungs. _Oh, God…Oh, God…_ The pain in his chest began to blossom and his heart began to beat faster and louder until his whole world was made up of the rapid staccato of its pounding. He was blinded by his tears and his chest ached with the need for oxygen but there wasn’t any and the blackness crowded in while he cried out for Jim in a soundless scream. And with no one there to help him Blair succumbed to a full-blown panic attack until, mercifully, he passed out.

  


He came to sometime later, weakened and sick to his stomach. He weakly raised a hand to his head to push away the sweat soaked strands of hair that stuck to his forehead and then he ran a hand over the shorn sections on his head and he whimpered. How was he going to hide this? Everyone was going to know. He again felt his breathing start to increase but he fought it down. He couldn’t do that again. NO! Breathe deeply, slowly, think… _Think!_ It took awhile but he succeeded – barely. He had to remember something. _Be useful, damn it!_ He cursed himself. He struggled to recall anything that could describe his assailants. All he knew was that they were big…and strong. He’d fought, fought with everything in him and it hadn’t been enough, not nearly enough. He’d felt so helpless, so vulnerable. The memory of it infuriated him. He’d always been shorter than the other guys, weaker, younger. He’d suffered through years of being bullied not only by other students but by some of Naomi’s more questionable boyfriends. But he took it, over and over again, shoving down the fear, the anger, and the pain. Hiding it all and shoving his face even deeper into his books. It had been so hard starting college when he did. Sixteen years old and running academic circles around the much larger and physically intimidating students, he’d survived by spending all of his time studying – hiding. So much so that he’d graduated in less than three years. He’d had his Master’s by the time he was 20.

  


He heard the phone ringing again and knew that it was Jim. Oh, how he wanted to get up and answer but Jim would know something was wrong and he couldn’t risk it. Oh, man, Jim… He’d wanted Jim so badly for so long but now the thought terrified him. They were big, big like Jim. They’d started out beating him, kicking him until he’d lay there curled into a ball, tears of pain and sickness and thick rivulets of snot streaming down his face. But then it had changed. They’d started stroking him and petting him, promising not to hurt him any more if he behaved like a good little girl and they wiped his face with a cool cloth and he was so – damned – _grateful_ for the small kindness. Just thinking about it made him want to puke again. They promised that he’d get out of this okay if he did what they told him…and he had, oh, god, he had. Blair started to heave and he fought his way out of the blankets, stumbling and crawling to the bathroom to retch into the toilet but nothing came except thin streams of saliva and bile and, of course, stronger stomach cramps. And just like the night before, tears and snot poured down his face and he felt self-hatred like a roiling sickness in his belly. Eventually, he leaned back against the wall with his knees up to his chest. Wrapping his arms around his legs he dropped his forehead down and tried to ignore the sound of Jim’s voice as he left a message. Eventually, he got up and went back to bed.

  


~*~*~

  


Jim put away his cell phone. He’d been trying to reach Blair to see how his lecture had gone and to tell him he was missing a pretty good conference. _Yeah, right_ , he thought to himself, _you just want to hear his voice. Hear him get all excited about some obscure tribal religious rite._ Jim could imagine Blair telling him about it when he got home, Blair’s hands moving all over in his enthusiasm. _God, what I wouldn’t give to have those hands moving all over me._ That thought made his cock respond with an interested twitch. _Oh, man, don’t start that here_ , he told himself firmly. Banks would never understand his returning to the conference hall sporting a boner. But he couldn’t keep his mind from picturing Blair’s face, Blair’s hair bouncing across his shoulders in wild curls. Jim absolutely adored Blair’s hair, constantly wanting to reach out and touch it but Blair wouldn’t understand. The kid was straight so he lived with the occasional hair ruffle, storing away the sensation of that coiled silk to add to his fantasies.

  


~*~*~

  


Blair stayed in bed the rest of the day and through the night. Finally, on Sunday morning he got up and went into the bathroom to look into the mirror. There was no way he was going to be able to hide what had been done to his hair. And the truth was that he didn’t really want to. He wanted it gone.

  


_Fingers tangled in his hair, twisting and tugging on the long curls. “Hair this pretty ought to have ribbons in it…”_

  


He shook his head to dispel the memory. Jim wouldn’t be home until tonight so he had plenty of time to take care of it. Besides, what would Jim care? Sure, he reached out to ruffle his hair often enough, but it wasn’t as though Jim meant anything besides teasing him. And he’d had enough of being called Hairboy and kid. He was a man.


	2. Chapter 2

“The essence of a man lies not in his riches or status but in the strength of his backbone, spirit and word. For a man without, is like…smoke…dark smoke drifting in the night wind.” – Judith A.Middlebrooks, _The Essence of a Man_

Chapter 2

Jim walked back into the bullpen and checked the time. Blair should have been in by now. It felt like a month instead of the week it had been since he’d last seen him. Blair had been out on Sunday night, leaving Jim a note saying he was tutoring and that it might run late. On top of that he had an early meeting with the division lead about his dissertation this morning so Jim hadn’t even seen him at breakfast. The end result was Jim feeling angry and out of sorts. He decided to jump into the stack of reports on his desk until Blair showed up, then they could hit the streets in the afternoon and finally get a chance to talk.

Jim knew the moment when Blair entered the building. He noted his heart rate was up but figured it was because he was rushing just like always. He didn’t look up from his reports until he heard Rafe call out, “Whoa, what happened to you?” He glanced at Rafe’s shocked face and turned to see Blair. Blair with all of his hair cut off. Jim felt like he’d been sucker-punched. Blair’s hair, the long silky curls, they were all gone. Instead Blair sported a super short buzz cut. His sideburns were gone as were the earrings. Jim felt sick.

Joel Taggart came out from behind his desk. “Man, I haven’t seen a haircut like that since the Marines were in town.”

“Yeah, and a suit – with a _**tie**_!” H added. “What’s going on, Hair… Oops, guess I can’t call you that, anymore…”

It appeared, though, that Blair was ready for some harassment. Jim forced himself to look closer and noted Blair standing very still. He could see the tension tightening the muscles in Blair’s shoulders and wondered if anyone else noticed Blair’s hands tightened in fists. Blair’s voice, though, was perfectly modulated to sound casual. _Why would he do this? All those curls…_ Jim’s eyes slid away as shock and sorrow flooded through him.

“Hardy har, guys. The suit is because I had an important meeting this morning. The hair, well, it was just time, that’s all.” Blair ran what seemed to be a self-conscious hand over his bristles. “Besides, it’ll grow a bit and then I’ll decide what to try next. I’m not a kid anymore.” 

Then Jim suddenly realized that Blair was looking straight at him. He schooled his features to hide what he was feeling but it was too late. Blair’s eyes told him that he’d already seen his expression and the look of loss that crossed his features made Jim feel immediate remorse. Now was not the time to get into it, though. Peripherally he’d noted everyone avidly waiting for his reaction. Well, he wasn’t about to give the vultures a show, he decided. 

“That’s right. Hair grows while you have it, which is more than can be said for some of you guys…” Jim joked, and ran a hand over his own follicle-challenged scalp. He got some chuckles but felt the release of tension from everyone in the room. Everyone except for Blair, that is.

“Ellison, Sandburg! My office!” 

While Jim was grateful for Simon’s bellow, Blair looked like he was getting himself ready for the next battle. Jim figured he wasn’t far off the mark because Simon was sure to comment on Blair’s appearance, too. Regardless, they needed to move. But while Blair responded immediately, Jim trailed slightly behind him. He needed the few extra seconds to deal with the riot of emotions Sandburg’s shorn head had elicited. And not just his own emotions, he could still hear Blair’s heart rate skyrocketing and he could almost taste the anxiety Blair was exuding. It was to be expected considering what a major change this was – a change Jim realized he hated with surprising intensity. What was more important, however, was finding out why he’d made it. Baffled, Jim shook his head and then turned and headed towards Simon’s office. 

Simon was looking down at a paper as they came in but then looked up when Jim moved to stand next to Sandburg. Jim saw his eyes widen in surprise. It was probably shock that kept him quiet for a moment, but then he found his voice. 

“Sandburg…! It’s from one extreme to another for you, isn’t it?” 

Jim watched as Simon took in Sandburg’s new look. Then his gaze slid over to him, no doubt to see what his reaction was but Jim kept his face devoid of emotion, even when he saw Simon’s eyes narrow in concern. Beside him he felt an increase in body heat and knew Sandburg was blushing. A change in his breathing pattern indicated anger.

It was confirmed when Sandburg cleared his throat and said tightly, “Just needed a change, Simon. Not a big deal.”

Simon had a pretty good poker face, but Jim still saw the disbelief. It was momentary, though, and Simon got down to business. “Got a tip from an undercover that there’s been some suspicious activity down on the docks. I want you guys to check it out.” Simon handed him a couple of papers and sat back, probably to watch. 

With Simon paying such close attention, Jim monitored his reactions closely and consciously unclenched his jaw before briefly scanning the pages. He was more aware of Sandburg looking over his shoulder than in what he was seeing. He had the sudden need to get out of Simon’s office, get some distance between him and Sandburg. Without looking over he shoved the papers in Blair’s direction. 

“This isn’t exactly a major crime, sir. Why did it land in our laps?” 

“Got word of a possible arms shipment coming in and while there’s no connection right now, I want you to do your thing and tell me if you…ah, sense…anything,” Banks replied with a pointed look.

“Yes, sir,” Jim replied, understanding just what Simon was referring to and with a nod in Banks’ direction, he turned and left the office, Sandburg trailing him while he perused the papers.

Jim was silent as he drove down to the docks. That in itself wasn’t unusual, but normally Sandburg would have filled in the quiet with his own chatter. Today he was just as silent. He didn’t know what was wrong, but something was. He scanned his partner, noting the faster heart rate and a slightly sour smell, as though Blair had vomited or someone near him had. He could also smell the perfumed overtones of women’s makeup. He wanted to ask what was happening, but couldn’t bear to turn and look at his partner. The new style was just so wrong on him. Still, his gut was telling him that Blair was in trouble…or someone close to him was. Either way, Blair was his partner. He had to try. 

“Blair…”

“Any ideas on what they’re looking for?” Blair interrupted, making it obvious he didn’t want to talk. 

Jim gave him an exasperated glance, but that’s all he could do at the moment and he turned away again. 

“Automatic weapons, some explosives,” Jim said as he looked out at the warehouses around him. 

“You think he could have narrowed the search down any?” Blair asked sarcastically as he eyed the numerous buildings around them.

The sarcasm took Jim by surprise but he couldn’t see anything in the down-turned face. “We work with what we got, you know that. You ready, Chief?” 

Blair was looking down at the papers in his lap and Jim noted how pale the skin was on his scalp and at the back of his neck. Of course, he thought, even with a pony tail that area rarely got any sun. But still he eyed that skin. It looked so…vulnerable. He quickly shook away the burning need to feel if the skin was really as soft and tender as it looked but was ambushed by his eyesight which took in the tiny whorls of nearly blond hair that had escaped the razor. He wanted to touch them, rearrange them with his tongue as Blair’s taste, maybe a little salty, maybe musky or sweet, filled his mouth and mixed with Blair’s scent which already filled his nose. Jim felt himself hardening and tried to pull back his rampant thoughts. Man, he had it bad if he was having such intense erotic thoughts about the back of Blair’s neck. Oblivious to Jim’s dilemma, Blair shifted a bit and then Jim was shocked to see the edge of what looked like a bruise peeking out from Blair’s collar.

“What happened to your neck, Blair?” Jim reached out to tug the collar down, wanting to see what Blair had done to himself but Blair jerked away so quickly Jim was left with his hand hovering in mid-air.

“Nothing, man. I’m fine.”

“Your neck is bruised, Blair. What happened?” Jim demanded. Despite his tone, all he felt was overwhelming concern and anger at the fact that his Guide was hurt.

Blair stared at him for a moment and to Jim it looked as though he wanted to say something. Then his eyes lost focus and Jim knew he wasn’t seeing him anymore. He again raised a hand to touch him but he blinked and jerked away. Shocked at the reaction, Jim dropped his hand. He was about to demand Blair tell him what was going on when Blair interrupted him with the answer.

“I was digging some stuff out of my closet and some junk came crashing down,” Blair explained quickly. “I tried to duck but must’ve still got hit… I didn’t realize I had a bruise. It’s nothing.” Blair rattled the papers a bit before he dropped them on the seat in between them. “So the first site is the second warehouse on the left. Let’s go take a look.”

Ignoring Blair’s suggestion, Jim forced himself to look closer and saw what looked like makeup on Blair’s collar and on his chin. He sniffed the slightly perfumed overtones. Maybe Blair had comforted a woman earlier and she had left makeup on his collar and on his face. Or maybe an overly made-up friend was having problems and Blair was trying to help, but what did that have to do with Blair’s haircut? He didn’t know. All he did know was that Blair’s heart rate was up which was a dead giveaway that he was covering something up, and he could smell the fear coming out of Blair’s pores. 

“Blair….” he started, but Blair had turned away, shoving the papers he’d been reading.

“We’d better go, man,” Blair said quickly, and reached for the door handle. 

Jim’s eyes narrowed a moment but he decided that he wouldn’t call him on it – yet. He hoped Blair would talk to him when he was ready but for now he’d let it go and vowed to keep a much closer eye on his friend, even if he could barely stand to look at him.

“Let’s go,” Jim said with a nod, and then jumped out of his truck and approached the first warehouse, Blair at his side. 

~*~*~

The muscular man watched from a distance as the two men started nosing around the warehouse, one tall and muscular, the other quite a bit shorter. They were much too far to see any details but from their movements it was obvious they were cops. He felt a nervous twitching and it angered him. He knew he shouldn’t have given in to his needs, not so close to where he worked and especially not now that things were picking up with the shipments coming in. He just couldn’t help himself. He’d had to leave his last job due to his extracurricular activities because he’d inadvertently brought the heat down on himself and his employer at the time. He couldn’t afford to do it again here. To top it off, he’d been seen on his last foray and he had to bring that bastard into his business… HIS business! 

Damnit! It’s started. It’s too soon, _too soon_! He felt a twitch in his back muscles, an itch that started just below his shoulder blades at that spot he couldn’t quite reach. It was always the same. The itch started there and then it would spread until it about drove him crazy and then he’d see someone, someone with that long, beautiful hair that felt like silk and he had to have it. He needed to smell it and feel the soft strands slide through his fingers. He almost had what he needed to finish his task but it was hard finding the lengths of silky hair he needed to weave into the braided crop he was working on. Why do they cut it? Stupid styles, some were so short it was an obscenity. It became so hard to find what he needed in the right length, uncolored and unbleached. It was hard work but that make it more worthwhile. But when it was finished, then he’d be able to reach that spot where the itch started and he’d be able to keep it from spreading and driving him fucking CRAZY! 

He took a deep breath. In the meantime, though, he could play with the other shorter prizes he’d collected. Touching them, holding them up in the sunlight, it helped stave off the need, took his mind off that GODDAMNED ITCH. He twisted his head to loosen the muscles tensing up in his neck. Relax, he told himself, think of the pretties… In seconds he was lost in the memory of the rainbow glimmer that showed up on soft, natural hair. _So lovely, so soft…_ His eyes glazed over a bit as he lost himself in thoughts of his collection. 

He was brought back to the present by the continued movement of the cops and he resolved to stay away from the docks, hunt further out if the need became too great. Yes, that’s what he’d do…


	3. Chapter 3

“It is a good divine that follows his own instructions.” – William Shakespeare

 

Chapter 3

Jim sat in his living room two nights later and rubbed a tired hand down his face despite the relatively early hour. They hadn’t found anything useful during the initial walk-around. Two nights of surveillance had netted zero results so, since it was pouring rain and there was absolutely no movement out, they decided to call it quits early. They had been watching for any type of suspicious activity because Simon had also told them there’d been another rape down on the docks. That case was being worked by another team of detectives. 

He thought about the source of their tip. Vice had two officers working undercover down on the docks trying to dig up information on the rapes in the same area they were watching. Both rapes had the same MO and Vice was concerned that they may have a serial rapist on their hands. Simon told Jim that both young victims worked in admin sections for a couple of the shipping companies down there. It was during Vice’s sweeps on the street that one of the undercovers from Vice saw some movement that he believed to be an illicit shipment of some type. Yates knew of the possible arms deal from the department-head briefing so when his man reported back, he got Simon involved and Simon had briefed Jim when he assigned him the arms case. Jim had asked about the rape case but Simon said Vice was keeping it, especially now that they had given Simon the tip. Jim figured that would work out, leaving them more manpower to put towards the arms case. Jim sat back and thought about what they were up against. _Great_ , Jim thought morosely, _arms deals and trophy-taking rapists. Just what Cascade needs…_

But despite all of the illicit activity that was supposed to be going on down there, everything remained quiet, completely quiet, just like the atmosphere in the truck during their on-going surveillance. Jim leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. He had no idea what was going on with Blair and he was worried. His friend had been silent and nervous. He’d been having nightmares. And he still couldn’t figure out what in God’s name had induced him to cut off all his hair. He’d tried to talk to him but Blair had been avoiding him like crazy and he was as skittish as a wild animal. Every time Jim had even come close to touching him, he’d jerk away as though burned. He’d asked, almost begged, for Blair to tell him what was wrong but Blair just shut him out. He didn’t know what to do. Maybe it was time to talk to someone else. Yeah, maybe Simon could help.

With that decision made, he figured it was best to call it a night even though it was early. Blair had already gone to bed but considering the dark circles that were appearing under his friend’s eyes, Jim thought it was the best thing for him. Hopefully, Blair would feel better in the morning and then he’d try again to get Blair to tell him what was wrong.

~*~*~

_Sharp teeth tore at him, pain flared across his back and thighs. Flashes of feral canine teeth and wild yellow eyes came from every direction as the pack of hyenas bit and clawed at his fur. There were too many, he couldn’t fight them off. He turned and saw the largest of them leap, its jaws clamping around his neck. A spray of hot blood soaked into the hyena as he was borne down by its weight, its paws tearing at his chest, spreading out and changing into large hands that held him down, clawing at him. He was fighting but it was like fighting through molasses, everything was too slow, too soft. He couldn’t get a hard punch in. He rolled over and moaned again when suddenly the hand was on his shoulder, a heavy weight on his back bearing him down as a sharp pain speared through his ass. He pushed back, turned and swung, terror and fury fueling him. He hit out and connected solidly with his attacker…_

“Damn it, Blair!” resounded through the small room and Blair opened his eyes enough to see a dark figure fall backwards, crashing into his desk chair. 

The loud crash succeeded in waking Blair up completely and he turned on the light, inadvertently blinding what turned out to be his Sentinel lying on the floor. Still wrapped up in the emotions of the nightmare, Blair was both terrified and furiously angry. 

“What in the _**hell**_ were you doing, Jim?” Blair practically shouted at Jim who lay on the floor with his forearm blocking his eyes.

It took a moment for Jim to respond. _Dialing down his senses_ , Blair thought distantly. He knew Jim had succeeded when he pulled his arm away from his eyes but by then, Blair was already out of bed and staring down at him, his hands still curled into fists. He was sweating and breathing heavily and could still feel both the anger and fear coursing through his body. 

“I thought I was helping by waking you up from that damn nightmare. Wanna tell me what the hell that was all about?” Jim demanded, his icy blue eyes filled with anger of his own.

Blair actually growled. “No, I don’t want to talk about it and I can take care of myself, damnit!”

“Yeah, I can see that from the shadows under your eyes and your bright and cheery disposition,” Jim said as he pulled himself up from the floor, anger and embarrassment now radiating from every pore of his body. “Sandburg, this can’t keep going on.”

“Fine, I’ll find someplace else to crash until I get it all under control, alright?” Blair said through clenched teeth.

Jim closed his eyes. “That’s not what I meant and you damn well know it.”

Blair blew out a frustrated breath, forcibly calming himself. “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m working on it. Honest. Why don’t you try that white noise generator, huh? That should help you sleep,” Blair offered as he breathed in deeply in an effort to dispel the emotions lingering from his nightmare.

Jim just sighed and his shoulders dropped as though all of the anger was draining out of him. “How can I sleep knowing that you’re going through…whatever this is? Blair, why won’t you talk to me? Maybe I can help?”

Blair ran a hand over his head. “I’ll handle this, Jim, please just go back to bed,” he asked sincerely.

Jim looked at Blair for a moment but then his eyes slid away and Blair knew that his best friend couldn’t bear to look at him. That thought was like a punch in his gut. With a small shrug of his broad shoulders, Jim just nodded, seemingly at a loss over what to do. Silently, he turned and went back to bed. 

Once he was gone Blair threw himself back onto his bed. It had taken almost everything in him to keep quiet about what was going on. But as desperately as he wanted to tell Jim, he knew Jim couldn’t help him. This was something he had to do himself. _Oh, yeah, not to mention that it’ll really help to lecture me on failure to report a crime and destruction of evidence. Not to mention that the very last thing I need is for Jim to go all Blessed Protector and make me feel even more worthless and weak than I do now…_

Still, Jim had been right. This couldn’t go on, but he really believed it would get better once he came to grips with what had happened and had a chance to get over his anger with himself and at those men. But the anger and the fear, it was a vicious cycle and man, oh man, he just couldn’t see how to get out of it yet. Paranoia had him barely holding on to his sanity at the university as every single physically large guy that passed him by had him practically running screaming for the hills. And Jim, oh man, Jim…that day at the docks, he’d really very nearly lost it when Jim had asked about the bruises and moved closer to him and then it felt like his heart seized and it took everything in him to stay calm. 

Blair ran a shaky hand over his head and face and had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep the moans in as memories of a steel grip clamped around his neck, keeping his head in place, as one cock after another was shoved in his mouth tumbled through his mind. And he’d pushed it away and blinked and suddenly Jim was there, right in his face with that show of concern that made his stomach ache with the need to just crawl into Jim’s arms. He hadn't done it then because he couldn't, and he wouldn't do it now no matter how much he needed to. He felt the quick sting of tears and blinked them away because men don’t cry, damn it. Still, he remembered wanting so badly to just tell Jim, to let Jim touch his neck and soothe the hurt away but he couldn’t – just _couldn’t_. He was a man and he’d deal with this on his own and the last thing he wanted was Jim’s pity. _Suck it up, Sandburg._

Time was all he needed. He was still teaching his courses because he kept his lecture notes outlined more than two weeks in advance. He could do this because no matter what, no matter how bad it was right now, he couldn’t afford to pull Jim into his mess with him. He just needed some more time. That was all. Just a little more time.

~*~*~

Blair rushed back to his office muttering the whole way about getting his head out of his ass. He’d specifically called a student to meet with him this morning and then promptly forgotten all about it. He shook his head, unaware of the amused glances he was getting from some of the students. _Jeez, Sandburg, you’ve got to get your act together!_ But he was fine; everything was going to be fine. It _had_ to be fine… 

Fine, yeah, he was fine this morning, getting his things ready for class and digging through the mountain of papers on his desk when he found a flyer listing student medical services. He was about to chuck it into the trash when the letters STD seemed to stand out from the page. He stared at it for a moment, the letters having no meaning initially when his brain seized until everything suddenly became clear and an ice-cold realization hit him like a two-by-four across the head: he hadn’t gotten tested for STDs. A chill ran down his body and his breath froze in his chest. He had to do this – for himself, for Jim. That frozen breath left his body in mad push of air. What if he’d caught something from those bastards? What if they were HIV positive or something? _Oh, God…_ He’d immediately rushed from his office; the flyer clutched in his hand as he flew to get himself tested. Once he was done he’d looked at the clock and realized that he was late for the meeting he’d scheduled so, again, he took off running.

Fumbling open the door, he dropped his backpack by his desk, glad for once that a student was late for a scheduled meeting because it gave him time to settle down. A short time later, Blair looked at Scott Bensen with some confusion. He’d asked Scott to stop by because of his falling grades and he wanted to know what was going on, but when Scott sauntered in seriously late and completely unrepentant, Blair realized that he hadn’t really taken a good look at Scott lately. The guy had changed…a lot. The young man who slouched in the chair before him was oozing attitude and didn’t seem to give a damn about his grade which had dropped drastically from a previous 3.9 average. However, Blair noticed more than just the change in attitude. At the beginning of the semester Scott had worn his blonde hair long and had been a casual dresser. He was quiet and pretty serious. Now, though, he had buzzed hair and a tight black t-shirt and jeans which showed off his buff body. Blair asked him how he spent his time if he wasn’t studying. Scott gave the obvious answer by stating he was working out a lot. His priorities had changed, he explained. So Blair asked him if he was into sports now.

“No way! I’m not into that competitive bullshit. Hate all that crap. Especially _**football**_ ,” Scott answered, nearly spitting out that last word. 

Scott’s vehemence and the other changes suddenly clicked into place for Blair and sent another cold chill down his back. The pattern of behavior was just too similar. Blair moved to sit on the edge of his desk closer to Scott but Scott moved back a bit, as though uncomfortable with anyone getting too close to him.

“You know, sometimes we reach a point in our lives that where we realize we need to reorder our priorities and that’s cool. But sometimes outside influences change our priorities whether we want them to or not. Scott, has something happened lately that has changed your priorities?” Blair asked gently. 

Scott looked around the office and ran a hand over his head, a gesture that Blair was becoming very familiar with himself. “No. I just couldn’t be the way I was anymore…” 

“So are you happier with the changes you’ve made?” 

Scott stared at him, a lost look in his pale blue eyes. He didn’t answer. 

“Look, Scott. I don’t want to pry, but I think you need to talk to someone. I’ve got a friend who helps out on a hotline. This is the number. You don’t have to give your name or anything. They’ll just listen and maybe they can help you out a bit.”

Scott looked down at the card that said Rape Hotline and Blair saw him blanch. He looked back at Blair, an obvious denial hot on his lips, but whatever words he was about to speak died in his throat. Blair saw Scott’s eyes searching his own and then saw them travel up to look at his hair, or lack of it, and a look of pained understanding crossed his face and then he looked as though he was about to be sick. Desperately, he began to look around the room as he lurched to his feet. 

Blair quickly reached down for his trashcan, positive that Scott was about to puke, but instead he seemed to get hold of himself although he still swayed slightly. With a shaky breath he nodded his head and turned to leave then paused at the door but didn’t turn around. In a quiet voice, he promised to spend more time on his studies and then hurried out.

Blair stood up to close the door after him and the fleeting thought about taking his own advice flashed through his mind but he pushed it away. While he hoped Scott was ready to talk, it was too soon for Blair. Besides, their situations weren’t the same. Scott was a full-time student who lived in a dorm. He didn’t share a loft with a Greek God, nor did he work part-time in a macho, homophobic environment. He hadn’t spent most of his life being the outsider, never fitting in. He’d probably never once been called a ‘hippie fag’ or had anyone doubt his masculinity. Blair clenched his eyes shut and fought back the prickling of tears and then cursed himself for his weakness and his mother for encouraging the display as he grew up. _Wouldn’t have been an issue if I’d had a father to show me, teach me…_ The bitter thoughts burned like acid in his stomach but he couldn’t dwell on that anymore than he could anything else. His thoughts scattering, he wondered if he’d ever come across any cultures that _didn’t_ place a huge value on masculine strength, ferocity and bravery. No, he couldn’t think of any. Nor could he think of any rituals that revalidated your manhood once you lost it…or had it stripped from you.

Blair recalled the football players in the pub. There had also been some firemen, cops, maybe military guys and in his mind they all stood well over six feet tall: big men, strong men. All around him… He felt his breathing again begin to pick up and he struggled to control it. He closed the door but was so caught up in his efforts to calm himself that he remained standing by the door with his hand on the doorknob. 

Blair was startled from his thinking by another tap at his door. He quickly glanced at his watch thinking the student was early but that wasn’t the case. He’d been standing by the door for the last twenty minutes. _Shit, just had my first zone_ , he thought humorlessly. He closed his eyes for a moment and then took a couple of cleansing breaths. A second tap at the door forced his eyes open and with one more deep breath, he let in the next student.

Lyle Bates had been given a dubious honor by Blair at the Chancellor’s insistence. It still rankled that Blair had to take the time to arrange for tutoring, normally the student’s responsibility, just because the student’s big-shot father got involved. And now there was a problem. 

Blair listened as patiently as he could but what he was told came as no surprise. It wouldn’t be the first time that a student with learning disabilities needed extra help. He gave Lyle a list of services available through the school, imparted some encouragement and then sent Lyle on his way. Lyle was forgotten as soon as he left the office as a thousand other responsibilities flooded through Blair’s head. The first order of business was to grade some papers. With luck, he hoped to be able to finish grading the quiz he’d given out earlier in the week before his next class started. With a deep sigh, he got busy.


	4. Chapter 4

"It is not the size of a man but the size of his heart that matters." - Evander Holyfield

Several hours later, Blair was pissed. He was already late and now he had to swing by the loft for another shirt since he’d gotten makeup all over the collar when he hurried to touch up the still-visible bruising. Huffing because he’d taken the stairs up to the loft two at a time, he rushed into his room and opened up his small closet. He noted with a grimace that he only had one clean shirt left. “Okay, add trip to one-hour laundry on top of everything else,” he muttered to the empty room. He balled up his dirty shirt and grabbed his keys. Eschewing the elevator because of how slow it was, he practically flew down the stairs. So far the only good thing about today was that it was payday so he should be able to throw at least a little Jim’s way for the rent and then maybe he could pick up some groceries. Okay, good: first stop Rainier for his pay and then the laundry and then to the station. Check.

He was just about to his car when he heard some yelling. Looking over to his left he saw several children ringing two others who were on the ground throwing heartfelt punches at one another. His first inclination was to just let it go because he was already running late. Unlocking his door, he glanced again at the scuffle. Those kids weren’t that old, he told himself. They couldn’t really hurt each other… His attempt at justification lasted about two seconds before he was stalking over to the combatants. His arrival split open the ring of kids but had no effect on the two fighting despite his shout to stop. Blowing out a frustrated breath, Blair reached in and grabbed each boy by the scruff of the neck. 

“Whoa, you two, that’s enough…” he said, but the two kept struggling. “Hey! I said…stop…HOLD IT! STOP _**NOW**_!!” he ended up shouting before the two boys finally settled down. “What is this all about?” he questioned the two, but all he got in return were heated glares and belligerent attitudes. He knew the boys and had always thought they were best friends. Judging from their current attitudes he thought he might have gotten it wrong but, somehow, he didn’t think so. Looking around at some of the other kids, most of whom he recognized, he asked again. “Can anyone tell me what started this?”

No one wanted to step forward so he looked straight at the boy he was holding with his left hand. “Okay, Tommy, you first.”

Tommy looked down. “I found it first, Mr. Sandburg,” he said petulantly.

“YOU DID NOT! _**I**_ DID!” shouted Paul, the boy on Blair’s right.

Before the two could get back into it, Blair got them to focus on him. He found out that the dispute was over a dollar bill so, since the ice cream truck was due any minute, they were fighting over who would get a treat. Blair rolled his eyes. 

“Hey, I thought you two were friends,” he said, already knowing that Paul had brought Tommy’s homework to him every day when he had tonsillitis. Tommy, too, had helped his friend in the past when Paul had broken an arm falling from his bike. Being a natural conciliator, Blair got the two boys to admit to their friendship first and then, within minutes, he had them attesting to the depth of their friendship for one another. A short time later he even had them trying to push the dollar bill onto each other but he knew that wouldn’t work too well in the long run because, given their ages, resentment would be quick to grow despite their currently good intentions. 

At that moment the high-pitched jingling tune from the ice cream truck could be heard coming down the street. Several of the kids ran off to meet it but some hung around either out of curiosity or because they had no money to buy a treat. 

“How much money do you boys have?” Blair asked them, hoping that there’d be a way for both kids to get something. As it turned out, they each had only one quarter, not nearly enough to buy two treats even with the additional dollar. He didn’t really want to give them money since that would set a poor precedent. Blair saw the truck approaching, the colorful pictures of cold, sweet offerings visible on the side and then he smiled. 

A short time later, both Paul and Tommy were sitting on the curb each sucking on half of a Super Rocket Blaster double popsicle, currently selling for exactly $1.50 from the local ice cream truck, and deciding what they were going to make out of the popsicle sticks once they were done. Blair, satisfied that he was able to salvage the boy’s friendship, looked at his watch with a groan and begged his classic Volvo to please, please start. A couple of tries later, he thanked whatever gods were listening to his plea and rushed off to Rainier.

~*~*~

Blair took a last look in the rear-view mirror and then adjusted his collar and straightened his tie. The bruises were covered and his shirt was still clean, he saw with relief. He needed to be careful with this one since it was his last clean shirt. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the cash to pick up his other ones at the one-hour laundry because the paychecks at Rainier hadn’t been distributed yet and his account was tapped. He still couldn’t believe how much it had cost to buy a few shirts and ties. That purchase had eaten up everything he’d been saving to give to Jim for the rent. Man, when was he going to get his life in order? He wasn’t a kid. He didn’t need anyone taking care of him. He’d been taking care of himself for a long time. _Yeah, like that night, right? Took care of yourself really well, didn’t you?_ He berated himself as the memories came again.

 _“Jee-zuz! You are one sweet piece, such a sweet, tight boy-pussy…yeah, baby, if I could, I’d keep you forever…”_ Blair remembered sobbing as the thick cock rammed into him and still the hateful voice kept on. _“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, bitch. Someone to take care of you, treat you like the little woman, fuck your pretty pussy every morning and all night long…”_

Blair felt his stomach churn and he willed it to settle down. God, why didn’t they give him a roofie or something other than what they’d used, anything so he didn’t have to remember what they’d done, what they’d said? A big ol’ blank in his memory had to be better than this! He felt his stomach roil again as the memories came at him, echoing voices in the dark and hands – so many hands – touching him, shit, _everywhere_. 

“Oh, man, oh, man,” Blair gasped out loud; he couldn’t start throwing up again… He just _couldn’t_. He forced himself to settle down, breathe in and out. _No panic attack here, no sir-ree…_ After a few more deep breaths his stomach settled and he thanked all of the gods he knew. Okay, time to move. Don’t think, just do. He’d put in a few hours at the station then he’d get his paycheck, go to the bank and then get his shirts. Everything would work out just fine and, hopefully, he’d have a chance to talk to Sam. He grabbed his backpack and started into the station, praying they didn’t have anything that would keep them too late.

~*~*~

It had been almost a week and Jim was no closer to learning what was going on with Blair than he had been that first day. Unfortunately, neither Simon nor Joel had gotten any closer, either. The only positive thing that did happen was a lead on their case. Jim was reviewing what little information they had on the arms they knew had already made their way into Cascade when he surprisingly realized that he could sense Blair in the building and he gave a wry smile. It wasn’t a surprise to sense Blair; he’d been aware of his ability to pinpoint Blair’s location for some time. No, he was surprised that Blair had actually come in after stating that he probably wouldn’t because of pressing work at the university. He noted the increased heart rate which seemed the norm lately and hoped that it was for no other reason than Blair rushing around. But regardless of the reason for Blair showing up today, Jim was glad to have him by his side. Still, Jim felt the same twist to his stomach as soon as he saw Blair and his new look. Fortunately, he was able to push away the dismay at Blair’s appearance away before Blair reached his side. Blair had the right to change his appearance, he reminded himself, but he couldn’t help but wonder what was driving the need to. 

“Hey, Jim, what’ve you got?” Blair asked without preamble as he dumped his things on the floor behind Jim’s desk. 

Jim looked up and noticed that again Blair was wearing a high collar and a tie. Must be some serious stuff going on at Rainier if Blair still felt he had to keep up appearances. He took an unobtrusive sniff. He was glad that he didn’t detect any hint of the sour scent of sickness again but he could still smell makeup although after the quick glance he forced himself to do, he couldn’t see any sign of it on Blair’s collar this time. Leave it up to Blair to fit nursing a sick friend into his already frantic schedule. He was about to comment but Blair must have sensed the nature of it and shot him a warning glance. Jim sighed and went back to the case at hand. “We’ve got a lead on the location of some explosives that might be part of the arms coming into Cascade. Joel’s going with us to check it out.”

“Okay,” Blair said with a nod. “Good. When are we heading out?”

“About 30 minutes, Joel’s getting the warrant now. We’re waiting on a fax with the chemical composition of another shipment of explosives that was picked up down south earlier this month. We think it might have come from the same source so we need to do a comparison.”

“Cool, okay. Do you mind if I head downstairs for a bit? I’ll be back in 15, tops,” Blair said, and Jim nodded knowing he was on his way to see Sam.

“But no more than that, okay Chief? I want to be ready to head out as soon as we’ve got the info.”

“Yeah, yeah, no problem. Back in a few,” Blair said as he headed out the door and Jim gave a faint smile. Blair had been going round and round with Sam down in the lab. Their on-again, off-again relationship left him dizzy. He wondered if it was her makeup he smelled. Regardless, he was grateful that he hadn’t smelled anymore vomit.

~*~*~

Blair slid into the lab with some trepidation. He hadn’t seen Sam since before _that night_. He’d had to cancel their last two dates because of work and now, the thought of being with her, being with anyone at all since _that night_ , almost overwhelmed him but he had to get back to normal, he had to put – what happened – behind him. So with that in mind he called her to schedule another date. It had taken every bit of persuasion on his part and still she was unsure plus she said that she hadn’t been feeling well. Still, Blair had to try because he _really_ needed to see her. He’d never believed in gender stereotypes but something inside of him was crying out for a re-affirmation of his masculinity and he figured a date with a woman would fit the bill. Besides, sex with Sam had always been the easiest part of their prickly relationship. 

Blair straightened his shoulders. He was sure that this was what he needed so if Sam was waffling on the phone, then a face-to-face was necessary. And if she didn’t want to go out with him, then he’d go through the list of possibles at the uni. Either way, he was determined that somehow, he was going to get over this. He had a sudden flash of fear about being able to perform because he hadn’t been able to do anything on his own, but figured being in the moment with a beautiful woman had to be the answer. He desperately hoped so at any rate.

“Sam?” Blair asked as he looked in the door. Sam was bent over her desk, her head in her hand and the other wrapped around her stomach. She looked up at the sound of her name. Blair saw her eyes widen and his stomach clenched but he forced his face to nonchalance.

“Oh my God, Blair! You cut your hair!” Sam cried in surprise and walked quickly over to him. She automatically raised a hand to run it over his head but Blair instinctively started to duck away a bit and then mentally kicked himself.

“Hi, Sam…uh, yeah, got tired of dealing with it…” he said, straightening and allowing her to run her hand over his head. 

“But it’s so short!” she practically wailed, which made Blair’s jaw begin to tighten. He knew exactly how short it was, damn it.

“Oh, Blair,” Sam said sadly, and then in a lightning-fast change stomped her foot in either anger or frustration, Blair wasn’t quite sure which. All of a sudden, her face turned slightly green and she again wrapped her arm around her belly.

“Hey, are you okay?” Blair asked carefully as he placed his hands on her upper arms. While he was worried that she wasn’t feeling well, he had to admit to feeling a little relieved to get away from the subject of his hair. 

“It comes and goes,” Sam said, but ignored whatever was going on with her to again raise her hand to rub over the short bristles. 

Blair stopped her by catching her hand in his. He didn’t want her touching his head or talking about his hair or lack thereof. Distraction was his only option. “So, do you think you’ll be free for dinner tomorrow?” 

Sam stared at him. He could see her indecisiveness and got the impression that she wanted to say something. He’d seen that look far too many times to not know that she was thinking of dropping him and he so did not want that right now. He needed her, well, her body at any rate, and then grimaced at that incredibly selfish, macho thought but it didn’t change anything. He added his best pleading look. 

“Sure,” she answered with a wan smile and Blair hoped she’d be well enough to go out the next night.

“Great,” Blair said with a smile. “Gotta go. Jim’s waiting,” he added, and then made his exit before she could change her mind. He gave her a small wave and left.

~*~*~

Sam watched Blair leave and then returned to her microscope. She needed to break things off with him…permanently this time. He’d canceled a few of their dates recently, citing work reasons so she’d found herself at loose ends. Well, at loose ends up until a new patrol officer who’d just transferred in from eastern division had asked her out. He was tall and very muscular and although he wasn’t the conversationalist Blair was nor did he have Blair’s sense of humor, he did make her feel comfortable, safe and, if she was honest, he was just manlier. Okay, so maybe she could tell Blair about Steve over dinner, break it to him easy. Besides, the fact remained that she was very curious about why Blair had cut his hair. So, more for curiosity than any other reason, she’d agreed to dinner. With a shrug, she turned back to work.

~*~*~

Jim heard the whir of the fax machine across the bullpen and quickly walked over to Rhonda. She handed the fax to him with a smile and then looked up as Joel came over.

“Is that the list, Jim?” Joel asked tensely. 

“Yeah, tell me, is this as bad as I think it is?” Jim said as he handed the list over to his explosives expert. They’d been anxious to see if the composition of the explosives found down south matched what they had locally. All C-4 had a chemical composition that was like a signature that designated the source. This mix was one they’d never seen before so Joel had been working with both the ATF and the FBI to identify the source.

Joel whistled quietly. “It sure is, Jim. There are some nasty things here. I’ve got the warrant. Are we ready to go?”

Jim looked at his watch. Blair had said that he’d be back in fifteen and it was almost that now. Making a quick decision, he told Joel that he’d meet him downstairs, figuring that if he grabbed Sandburg’s things they could leave directly from the lab.

Jim instinctually focused in on Blair’s heartbeat as he rode the elevator down towards the forensics lab and noted its still-elevated rate. He really hoped he wasn’t intruding on anything important because they really needed to go. Turning the corner he saw Blair speaking with Sam who had one arm wrapped around her stomach. Blair was holding her by her upper arms and Jim caught the scent of sickness emanating from her. Not wanting to intrude he pulled back a little and heard Blair asking if she was okay. Okay, so obviously it had been Sam who’d been sick lately and Blair had been worried about her. But he had to wonder, was her illness enough to make him worry to the point of having nightmares? And did whatever this was also have something to do with Blair’s sudden desire to change his image? Maybe – if Sam was pregnant. 

Jim shook his head at the shock that thought engendered. Man, not only would that turn Blair’s world upside-down, it would tear his own world apart, too. He leaned back around the corner and put his head against the wall. He honestly couldn’t even imagine what this was going to mean for everyone involved…especially when whatever relationship they tried would end up failing. That really was the only outcome he could envision. Sam and Blair just weren’t right for one another. _Not like we are_ , Jim thought but pushed that thought away because that was never going to happen, either. Still, he knew that it never boded well for a relationship when one person tried to change the other and it was his gut feeling that Blair wasn’t completely on-board with whatever it was that was going on. There just wasn’t much he could do about it until Blair was ready to talk to him. He barely stifled the impulse to just slam his head backwards so he took a deep breath instead. Jim then heard Blair confirm a dinner date and he figured now was as good a time to interrupt as any so he pulled himself away from the wall and headed around the corner to pick up his partner.


	5. Chapter 5

“You never really know your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks.” – Eskimo proverb

It took an hour and a half for the bomb squad to clear the building. When they were done, Jim and Joel followed by Blair, went in to do their thing. Jim and Blair started working their way around the room noting several stacks of empty crating piled in various parts of the warehouse while Joel examined one of three crates stored in the center of the large space. With Blair’s hand on his arm, Jim opened up his senses while Joel was occupied with the crate. With a satisfied look at Blair he pointed out several areas where he knew there were some prints and he had also come away with various distinctive scents of the people who’d been in the room. Unfortunately, that information was useless until he got close to one of their perps. They proceeded to examine the empty crates more closely.

Jim saw Blair glance over at Joel so he did, too, and saw Joel stand up from the open crate he’d been examining. He looked over their way and Jim saw the look of consternation on his face. It seemed as though he was as puzzled as they were feeling. Jim turned back to the packing material he’d been examining.

“Looks to be the same stuff but we’d have to verify it in the lab,” Joel called out, and this time both Jim and Blair turned to see Joel staring at Jim who was sniffing some of the packing material. An odd look crossed his face but then the big man shrugged and turned back to the crates he’d been examining. There was a deep frown on the usually jovial man’s face as he looked at the three crates and then a look of realization crossed his features. “Jim, it seems to me that there isn’t nearly the amount of explosives we were led to believe would be here.”

Jim nodded, knowing that many of the empty crates had once held the same explosive material. Others held the definite scent of gun oil. Anger coursed through Jim at the thought that they’d been too late to stop the distribution of most of the shipment. “Looks like we were too late. I think these crates held what they’ve already distributed,” Jim concurred with a grim look.

Joel nodded. “We’ll get forensics in here to work the place up,” Joel said and then stepped outside to make the call.

It didn’t take long for the forensics team to show and Jim saw Blair smile when he saw Sam leading the team. He walked over to her and they chatted lightly while she began her work. Jim watched as Blair flirted, a sight he was accustomed to, but today it seemed as though there was an edge to it, as though the act of flirting was important somehow. In fact, Blair seemed to be making an effort to let everyone around him know that he was with Sam. The whole thing struck him as odd because Sandburg had never been one to indulge in macho posturing but if she really was pregnant, maybe it made a bit more sense. Blair was on one side of Sam while Joel was on the other as they discussed the evidence being collected.

Jim’s thoughts were interrupted by the rise of excitement from a group of officers at the far end of the warehouse. He dialed up his hearing and realized that the men had found a door hidden by several large empty crates. While the crates themselves had been checked out, he knew that whatever lay behind the door had not. He moved closer just as they got the door open. He wasn’t consciously aware of the click he heard as the door opened but in that moment he just knew the room was wired. He screamed a warning which galvanized the officers nearest the door and they dispersed. Jim broke out into a full-blown run and, without conscious thought, grabbed his Guide’s arm and started dragging him out of the building with him. Without question, Blair started running alongside him.

Sam had stayed frozen in place then began following them slowly. It was apparent she had no idea what was going on. Peripherally Jim saw Joel grab her by the arm, a look of determination on his broad face and was relieved when he saw Sam picking up her pace as Joel hurried her along.

Jim was still yelling for everyone to take cover as he charged out of the building and dove behind a police car and hauling Blair along with him. He curled over his Guide’s body, covering him with his own just as the building blew behind them.

Jim turned his head to check on the others and saw Joel uncurl from around Sam whom he’d automatically protected when the building blew. There were men screaming and a fire raging in what remained of the warehouse building. 

“You okay?” Jim heard Joel ask quickly, and then stepped away after she nodded. He stood and immediately began to take charge of the scene.

~*~*~

Sam looked up in a daze when Joel stepped away and saw Jim still curled around Blair although his hands were moving, stroking up and down Blair’s arms and back and talking to him quietly. She had a sudden flash of jealousy and wished that someone was taking care of her the same way. Jim patted Blair on the cheek and then stood, helping Blair stand as well. Together both men moved to help Joel control the scene. In the distance she heard more sirens and knew that ambulances and probably fire fighters were on the way. She pulled herself up and looked at the controlled chaos around her as officers helped their injured brethren. The warehouse fire raged in front of her and she had the chilling thought that she could have been killed in that warehouse if not for Joel. She looked around until she spotted him.

Joel was now talking to the Fire Chief. Sam couldn’t hear what was being said but there was a lot of gesturing going on. Jim and Blair were standing off to the side although it didn’t look as though they were paying attention to either Joel or the Fire Chief. Instead, it seemed as though Jim was concentrating on the burning building. He had a hand on Blair’s shoulder and it struck her as both protective and possessive at the same time. Blair, on the other hand, was looking up into Jim’s face and was telling him something rather intently. Blair’s expression was one of complete concentration and, in her opinion, almost adoration. It was a look he’d never given her and then she felt a dawning realization. She felt anger suffuse her body at the thought of being used as a beard. _That little twerp! Look at him, fawning over muscle-bound Ellison._ Her anger slipped away and was replaced with derision. She wondered how often he needed big, brawny Jim to take care of him. All the time, probably. And to think she had seriously dated him! Moments later a police officer was tapping her shoulder and asking if she needed medical assistance. She shook her head and then glanced back at Jim and Blair, saw them yelling something to Joel and then everyone moved back, Jim’s arm once again around Blair. The officer next to her said that they needed to move and he urgently pulled her behind the fire truck. It seemed like only seconds later that another explosion destroyed what was left of the warehouse.

~*~*~

Hours later after sorting through the remains of the warehouse, Jim and Blair were back at the station. Jim was still getting the occasional high-five for his quick actions on the scene and claiming that it was just luck that allowed him to see a broken wire when the door had been opened. With Blair’s corroboration, he claimed that he’d seen some more explosives on the other side of the warehouse and just figured that the fire would set off a second explosion. Only he and Blair knew that he’d actually heard the delayed activation switch on the rigged door, which allowed him to warn everyone of the first explosion. It had been the scent of unburned explosives in the middle of the fire that let them warn everyone just before the second explosion. Blair had been ecstatic at Jim’s ability to sort out the various smells despite the heavy smoke in the air. He’d been practically vibrating ever since. 

Now, they were due to sit down to do some background searches on the warehouse despite the fact that there wasn’t a warehouse left anymore. Blair asked for a few minutes to go down and check on Sam. Jim gave him an odd look but then turned back and got to work on the searches.

Blair, still feeling euphoric over Jim’s accomplishments, was also grateful that he had something else to think about besides his own problems. It suddenly occurred to him that with everything going on, he hadn’t asked after Sam at all. But if she’d been hurt, he was sure he’d have known about it so, with a smile on his face, Blair bounced into the forensics lab. He found Sam bent over her microscope.

“Hey, Sam, sorry I didn’t get to you sooner but we just got back. Are you okay?” Blair asked in a rush as he entered.

“Of course I am, Blair. I had Joel to protect me.” The cold reply brought Blair to sharp stop. 

Blair frowned at the response. “Yeah, uh, I’m really glad Joel was there to help…” Blair trailed off uncertainly. He had no idea what Sam’s problem was. Everyone got out and there’d been only minor injuries. Was she pissed because he hadn’t pulled her out himself? 

“…and you’re okay since you had your big, strong protector there to take care of you, too…”

“Whoa, Sam, where’s this coming from? Who cares who got who out; the point is that we all did get out, right?”

Sam blew out a breath. “Of course that’s the point, Blair, and I _**am**_ glad everyone got out,” Sam spit out, sounding even angrier now. “All I’m saying is that we’re both lucky we had some _**real**_ men there,” she finished spitefully. 

“I don’t know where this is coming from, Sam, and I guess I really don’t care,” Blair said quietly as he struggled to contain his humiliation and anger. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said tightly, not bothering to hide his hurt and confusion, and then turned to leave.

“Oh, and Blair?” Sam called out, obviously unwilling to let Blair have the last word. “You can forget about tomorrow night!”

Blair’s only response was a dismissive wave of his hand as he marched angrily out of the door. Pausing before he got back to Major Crimes, Blair leaned against a wall as he tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. _What was it that had sent Sam off the deep end? Let’s see, Jim had sensed the presence of the bomb. He called out a warning and evacuated the building, hauling my ass out along the way. I helped him figure out that there were still explosives in the building. We were standing close to each other but then, we always do. Jim did have his hand on me. Was that it? Was it because Jim had gone into Blessed Protector mode?_ Blair dropped his head back against the wall. _Of course that had been what it was! Sam had seen Jim coddling me – as usual – because everyone knows that I can’t take care of myself, right? Hell, after the bomb had exploded and Jim peeled himself off of me, he ran his senses over me to make sure I wasn’t hurt. Jeez, he might as well have kissed my boo-boos while he was at it, for chrissakes! And after that he had his paws all over me. No wonder Sam has doubts about my manhood. Jim didn’t treat me like a partner. He’d treated me like a little kid – or a woman – that needed to be protected._ Blair closed his eyes as more humiliation rolled over him. _Damn it. DAMN IT!_ He slammed his fist into the wall and then heaved himself upright and stalked towards Major Crimes. 

~*~*~

Jim poured out two cups of coffee, one for himself and one for Blair, and then he doctored Blair’s up the way he knew he liked it. He had called downstairs and Sam had told him that Blair had left so he figured he’d be up in a minute or two. He paused to wonder about her tone of voice. It had been almost sugary sweet and had a wealth of undercurrents, none of which he liked but, considering that this was Sam, God only knew what bee had flown up her butt between the earlier events and now. Jim ran a hand over his face. He sure as hell hoped Blair knew what he was doing getting involved with that woman. Then, as though on cue, Blair walked into the bullpen.

Well, walked probably wasn’t the best descriptive term he could have used, he realized a split second later. It was plainly obvious that Blair was pissed. And he seemed to be the target.

“Jim, I need to talk to you,” Blair demanded the moment he got close to Jim.

“Okaay,” Jim said in a cautious tone. “I poured you a cup of coffee. What say we take them to the break room?”

“What say we take them into the nearest _**interrogation room**_?” Blair all but growled. 

Jim’s eyes narrowed as his anger and confusion grew. It seemed that whatever bee had flown up Sam’s butt obviously made a home in Blair’s butt, too. He nodded once and then led the way to the nearest unoccupied room where they could have the privacy that Blair obviously felt he needed.

Once they were in the room Jim turned on Blair. “Okay, Junior, what’s going on?”

“First of all, don’t call me ‘Junior’. I am an adult and I have a name which you know well. Secondly, what was up with hauling me out of that warehouse this morning? Do you think I’m incapable of running right along with you? I heard your warning and I’d have been right on your tail. I didn’t need you to practically carry me out of that building!”

“Now wait just a damn minute –” Jim interrupted. He couldn’t believe that Blair was complaining about having his _life saved!_

“No, I am _**not**_ done, yet! Jim, I don’t need you to cover me as though I were a little kid. I know how to duck and cover. God knows I’ve learned that much from being around you.”

“Protecting you is part of my job, damn it! You are still a civilian observer and you’ve been placed in far too many dangerous situations because of me. Blair, what the hell’s the matter with you! I won’t apologize for protecting my partner – for protecting _**my Guide**_!” Jim finished the last part through clenched teeth.

“Well, maybe you need to reevaluate your definition of partner, Jim. I’m supposed to be a part of a team, not a burden. I’m a man and fully capable of taking care of myself so don’t treat me like a little kid or…or like I’m weak, understand?” Blair said, and then stood there, hands clenched into fists, waiting for Jim to say something.

Stone-faced, Jim remained mute for another moment, his teeth grinding in an iron jaw. He wanted to kill Sam because he knew she was the one who’d started all of this. He also wanted to kick Blair’s ass for buying into whatever bullshit she’d spouted. Of course Blair was an adult, but he was also his Guide. Jim had been acting purely on instinct when he’d pulled Blair from that building and then later, when he protected Blair from injury by flying debris and explosions and he wasn’t about to apologize for it. His eyes narrowed a bit as a thought occurred to him. Maybe this had something to do with whatever else was going on with Blair right now but regardless of that, he couldn’t change how he reacted to a dangerous situation. It was part of who he was. 

“No, I think my definition is spot-on because I know you would have done the same for me if our positions had been reversed. But I still hold to the fact that you are a civilian observer, Blair, and I am both a detective with the Cascade Police Department and a Sentinel, as you’re so fond of pointing out. So either you accept that there will times when I’m going to follow both my training and my instincts or we’re going to have to _**reevaluate**_ our partnership,” Jim grated out, but paused at Blair’s stricken look. He took a deep breath. He was beginning to understand that whatever had happened had made Blair doubt himself and he wasn’t about to add to his problems by inadvertently challenging his manhood. However, the fact remained that Blair just didn’t have his training and in a situation like that, where a bomb was about to go off, there simply wasn’t time for individual sensitivities. Jim stared at Blair and, despite his better judgment, he realized that he needed to step back a bit…at least until he knew just what the hell was going on. 

“Look, I will try to back off on protector mode unless I deem the situation warrants it, okay? That’s all I can promise.”

Blair looked down and seemed to accept his offer. He looked back up at Jim and nodded. “That’s all I’m asking for,” he said in a quieter tone, and Jim nodded again, relieved that whatever this was, was over – this time.

“Fine. Now I’ve got to get back and start researching that warehouse. You in?”

“Yeah, yeah, Jim, I’m with you,” Blair agreed, and then both men picked up their now cold cups of coffee and returned to the bullpen. 

~*~*~

On the way there Blair continued to fume but no longer in anger at his Sentinel. His stomach had clenched when Jim called him his Guide. He was Jim’s Guide, Jim had been following his instincts, but there had to be a line, right? How can a Sentinel protect the tribe if he was more worried about his Guide? He really needed to think about this, he needed to meditate but had been unable to because he couldn’t focus. There was a pang in his chest and he felt like things were moving too fast. He had the overwhelming urge to throw himself into Jim’s arms, to just hold on until everything started making sense again but Sam’s taunts still rang too strongly through his mind and his mouth had taken off without him. 

He hadn’t intended for the conversation to go that way and he sure as hell didn’t want to ‘reevaluate their partnership’. He just needed Jim to realize that he could take care of himself, even in some of those extreme situations. He might be short and an academic, but he wasn’t a wimp. Maybe he just needed to prove that to Jim – and maybe he needed to step up his personal program a bit. Decision made, he tried to focus on their case. 

Hours later, both men grew even more frustrated as every individual and company they found connected to that warehouse turned out to be bogus. The only good thing to have come from the days’ events was the fact that that particular shipment wouldn’t be hitting the streets, leaving the Major Crimes team still at a loss as to who was behind it all.


	6. Chapter 6

“Nothing is more contagious than example, and no man does any exceeding good or exceeding ill but it spawns new deeds of the same kind. The good we imitate through emulation, the ill through the malignity of our nature, which shame keeps locked up, but example sets free.” – François Duc De La Rochefoucauld 

 

Gerald Messing was furious. The police had found his latest shipment. Fortunately, he’d set things up so that if they didn’t buy the decoy he left in the front part of the warehouse, finding the majority of the shipment would buy them a much bigger problem and would, after the explosion, destroy all of the evidence. It had worked beautifully. Except that while it was a good thing that the cops didn’t have anything that could lead back to him, his problem now was fulfilling the contracts he’d set up for that shipment as well as finding – and eliminating – the informant responsible for leaking the information to the police. Whoever it had been was a dead man, Messing swore to himself. He had to arrange for another delivery at a secondary location in order to meet his obligations but he needed to plug the leak first. He also needed to transfer his own funds to cover the cost of another shipment, which pissed him off even more. The only good thing was that he already had a second storage area lined up at one of the older docks in the area. In amongst several ancient buildings, it was on the city’s renovation list but Messing knew from his friendship with several members of the city council that there were no funds for it now. He realistically had years before any real step was taken to renovate them. For now, though, it was nearly perfect for storing the new shipment. There were only a couple of problems he could foresee. One was the possibility of witnesses because of the number of bums, drug addicts, and hookers in the area. He figured he could get around that by getting his men to discourage their presence when the time came for the new shipment. The other problem was that the cops were looking around the docks and asking questions about some rapes. He’d just have to time this very carefully because he was in a tough position. The very last thing he could afford would be disappointing some of his ‘customers’, men who wouldn’t take ‘I’m sorry’ very well. His men would just have to move very carefully when the shipment arrived. He turned to his men and delivered his orders in low, clipped tones. He then turned and went back into his office.

~*~*~

Daniel Messing watched from behind some crates as his father stood outside of his office and talked to a couple of his men. He knew his father was pissed. He caught a word here and there about someone sticking his nose into his business and some missing goods. Daniel didn’t know what that was about but he was sure it had something to do with his father’s side interests. He listened closely, but it didn’t make much sense so he waited, knowing that his father’s preoccupation would only benefit him in the long run. 

His thoughts wandered for a bit as they usually did but he brought them back under control although he’d ceased listening. He looked at his watch. He was supposed to meet with that little shit of a tutor Sandburg had hooked him up with. Just the thought of having to meet with that little twerp pissed him off but it had to be today because the team had an away game scheduled, which would make him miss his regular session. He idly wondered if the little jerk-off would even show. He’d kind of lost it a little bit when the pip-squeak had suggested that maybe he had a learning disability or something ( _…Messings DO NOT have problems like that_, echoed in his head.) and now he was making noises about quitting. Daniel was already skirting the edge of academic probation and if that happened he’d be benched. So, he figured a monetary incentive would keep the little shit quiet and then he’d squeak through the rest of the semester. 

Daniel turned back to his father and watched, knowing from his father’s low voice that he was giving out new orders regarding that new shipment at the secondary location (wherever that was) and filed it away. You never knew when that type of knowledge would come in handy, especially since he wasn’t supposed to know anything about it. His father tried to keep his business dealings away from Daniel, but Dan knew all about dear old dad’s side business. It was almost offensive, in a way, that his father thought he was stupid enough to believe he was completely legitimate. Daniel heard a change in tone and knew their little meeting was coming to an end. He wondered why his father had warned his men to take extra precautions but blew it off because it was now time to make his presence known so he walked out into the open as though he’d just arrived at the warehouse.

~*~*~

“Daniel, what are you doing here today?” Gerald Messing said as he looked up from his desk when Daniel entered. He eyed his tall muscular son with pride. He stood a head above Gerald’s own five foot nine inches and was in excellent physical condition. The boy was a star player on his college football team, handsome and charming. He was the pride of the Messing line. Gerald made sure of it and would accept nothing less regardless of what any of those fag teachers and school psychologists said. His son would go far, much farther than he had. He was already a step up in terms of his physical stature, the only resemblance between the two men being the unfortunate legacy of very thin brown hair and early pattern baldness but his money would fix that further on down the road. Despite that, though, Gerald knew his son did well with the ladies, even if it had taken a bit of money to make sure no hint of scandal came about from those unfortunate incidents when he was much younger. He stepped up to his son and slapped him heartily on the shoulder. Oh, yes, Daniel Messing was going to go far in life. Gerald would make sure of it and absolutely refused to believe that his son was anything less than a man’s man. 

“Just thought I’d come by to say hi and remind you that I’m traveling with the team for our next game.”

“Excellent. That’s very considerate of you, son. I’m sure you’ll play well. You always do. So,” Gerald said, “have you got enough cash for the weekend?”

Daniel smiled and Gerald hoped his son hadn’t heard any of what had just transpired between him and his men. Maybe the boy just needed some more cash. He hoped so because cash always served as an easy distraction.

“Well, I did have to buy another text for my Anthro class so I’m a little strapped, but I’m sure I have enough.”

“Nonsense, son, if you need more cash all you have to do is say so,” Gerald said, relieved that he’d been right. “And isn’t this the class with that professor you said you didn’t care for? The long-haired fag? Why would you require additional texts after the class has already begun? Do I need to speak with the Chancellor again?”

“No, Dad, it’s alright. The text was a suggestion only. I decided to go ahead and buy it rather than wait in line for it to be returned to the library.”

“Good thinking, son. You need to make sure you have a leg up on the others if you want to succeed,” Gerald replied while pushing away any belief that his son would need whatever help was available. Without pursuing that thought any further, Gerald reached into his billfold and extracted numerous bills and handed them to his son. “There you go, son, have a good time and play well. I’ll be expecting a play by play when you return, alright?”

“Sure thing, Dad. Thanks. I’ll get out of your way now. I know you’re busy.”

“Never too busy for you, son. Remember that.” 

~*~*~

With a quick wave Daniel left his father and wandered out into the warehouse. He smiled. His father was so gullible but he knew it was only with regard to him. In the business world, his Dad was an absolute shark and, with his sideline, he was the toughest sonofabitch ever, Daniel thought admiringly. 

He saw several of his father’s men busy moving some crates but he didn’t see the man he was looking for. He had to go, anyway, because he had to make sure he was very convincing when he spoke with his tutor about his ill-conceived desire to quit. With a smile Daniel walked out to his shiny black SUV and drove away.

~*~*~

Blair dug his fingers into his scalp and rubbed furiously for a moment and wished he could take a quick trip to the gym but there was no time. _Shit!_ That’s all he needed right now, his mother coming for a visit on top of everything else. He’d never been able to lie to her and there was no way that it would be any different now. And he really couldn’t avoid her like he’d been avoiding Jim, by just not showing up. It would raise too many questions, too damn many questions. But he had no other choice, there was no way he was going to tell her what had happened, certainly not when Jim could find out as well. He was just going to have to make their time together as short as possible. She was never one to just hang around anyway so he was sure he could talk her into visiting again later. When things got better. When he was over this.

Nodding to himself Blair re-checked his schedule. He had one more class to teach before he began office hours but Naomi would be flying in before he would be done for the day. Maybe Jim could help him out? They had a stakeout planned later but hopefully he’d have some time to at least drop her off at the loft. He blew out a deep breath of relief when Jim said it wouldn’t be a problem, thank all the gods. At least something, some small little thing had gone right. Not like everything else that was going to hell in a hand-basket. Except that now he was asking for a favor – again. Damn it! When was he going to be able to stand on his own two feet like a man?

He blew out a breath. He needed to get himself under control before his next class started so took a moment to just breathe. After a bit he decided that this was as good as it was going to get so he gathered his papers and headed to class. He stood awkwardly behind his podium as the more serious students filed in, darting quick glances at him and then quickly finding their seats near the front. Then, just before class was due to begin loud voices and laughter heralded the arrival of the partiers and the jocks followed by their sycophants. Rather than the darting glances, these students openly gawked at Blair as they passed him on their way up to the high seats at the back of the auditorium. 

Chief among this group was Daniel Messing and his friends, Charles Strumm and Richard Gibson, all-stars of Rainier’s football team and the Big Men on Campus. Blair watched him carefully and found himself filled with loathing at the type of man Daniel Messing represented: the wealthy elite, gifted with good looks and physical prowess, the type of man that was not only accustomed to others fawning over him, he expected it. Daniel oozed the same arrogance and contempt for others that his father showed despite his father’s very different physical attributes. The only thing they seemed to have in common besides their personalities was male pattern baldness, an oddity on someone as young as Daniel. Nevertheless, Blair had already had a run-in with Chancellor Edwards, courtesy of Daniel’s father’s ‘concern’ over Daniel’s drop in grades. While Chancellor Edwards had grudgingly backed Blair’s grading ethic, she hadn’t stopped any of the disparaging remarks Mr. Messing had made over a supposed correlation between Blair’s appearance and his capability as a teacher. The end result was a demand that Blair set up specialized tutoring sessions for Daniel despite Blair’s reminder that the establishment of tutoring sessions were the responsibility of the student. Blair’s thoughts were interrupted when Daniel brazenly reached out to run a hand over the stubble on Blair’s head as he chuckled out a “Wow, Teach…” 

Blair backed away but it was more of an automatic flinch than a deliberate attempt to duck an unwanted touch. His heart started pounding at the sound of Daniel’s voice and Blair heard a roaring in his ears. _No, no, it couldn’t be…_ The roaring faded and Blair realized that his flinch had resulted in snickers and whispered comments as the group moved on to settle in for class. His stomach churning in both embarrassment and anger, Blair tersely ordered the group to take their seats and then quickly turned away from his class towards the dry erase board. He felt like he was going crazy but that voice… _God…_ He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Concentrating on writing down a few key points of his lecture gave Blair a few crucial moments to calm himself down.

Despite the rough start, Blair’s last class went well although he really wished those coeds who sat in the front row hadn’t kept looking at him with such sadness in their eyes. _It’s a haircut, girls! Get over it!_ he raged to himself as he sought refuge in his office from the startled looks. He again ran his hand over his bristled scalp. But he had to admit that he hated it, too. God, how he hated it and he knew that Jim did as well and he felt that familiar pang that threatened to bring tears to his eyes and he fought it down as his stomach twisted. Jim could barely stand to look at him now and, in the dark moments of the night when he’d awakened from yet another nightmare, he was sure it wasn’t the haircut so much as the fact that Jim could see how dirty he was, that with his Sentinel sight Jim could see how he’d been violated and left tainted. Blair wrapped his arms around his torso and leaned forward in his chair. Jim had to see how pathetic he was and was probably as disgusted with him as he was with himself. He thought he was going to pass out from his own self-loathing but he was brought out of his mental abyss by the tap on his door. Office hours – and there was someone needing help. He called out, asking for a moment and then, with a monumental effort and several deep breaths, he regained control of himself and called for the student to come in.


	7. Chapter 7

“None so blind as those that will not see.” Matthew Henry (1662-1714)

Chapter 7

Jim smiled at Naomi as she rattled on about her latest adventure. He checked his watch and it was nearly seven. The team had been going over their plans for the stakeout until just after six and he had expected Blair to be home making dinner since it was his turn to cook. He’d been very surprised to find that Blair hadn’t made it home yet. He was glad that Naomi had used her time to meditate away all of the stress from her flight but he was starving and he was sure Naomi was, too, even if it was for some weird tofu something or other. But Blair should have been done with office hours at five that afternoon. Where the hell was he? 

As Jim asked himself that question, Blair sat outside and looked up at the lit windows of the loft. He was late, intentionally so. With the timing Jim wouldn’t have had any time to cook so they would have to go out for dinner. He should be able to tap-dance around all the awkward questions while in public – he hoped. With that thought, he got out of his car and made his way upstairs.

Unfortunately, it hadn’t been as easy as he’d hoped it would be. The first thing his mother did when he walked in the door was shriek. Then she ran to him, her distress obvious at the fact that her son looked more and more like a jack-booted pig. She threw her arms around Blair but he couldn’t bear being touched right now. He pulled back which both surprised and hurt her. Then she’d turned her horrified eyes to Jim and resolutely blamed him for corrupting her son.

“Mom, no! Jim didn’t have anything to do with this…it’s just a haircut. I wanted a change, that’s all. Come on, Mom…!” Blair pleaded, and he looked at Jim but Jim had turned away. 

“I wanted you to be free of all the social trappings ensnaring you because of your gender and now look at you!” Naomi continued, her anger rising. “I knew that working for the police department would change you! I should never have allowed it.”

“Allowed it? Mom! I’m a grown man and I make my own decisions,” Blair responded in very nearly a growl. “And there’s nothing wrong with looking like a man. That’s what I am. I wanted to work at the police department. I needed to do more research…”

Naomi’s eyes widened momentarily at Blair’s tone, making it obvious that she was unaccustomed to hearing that tone from him towards anyone, let alone her. But she continued anyway. 

“But you don’t have to look like them. Blair, honey, look at you. You’re tense and your aura is frantic,” Naomi said in a soothing voice, spontaneously changing gears in her normally confusing way. “Come on, we need to meditate. Honey, I don’t think you’ve been taking care of yourself. If you had you would realize that you’re simply not cut out for this type of work…”

“Mom…” Blair choked out in shock. She’d said it before and, while it had humiliated him, it didn’t burn a hole in his heart that time as it did now. His own mother didn’t think he could handle working at the station, didn’t think he was _man_ enough to do the job.

Naomi stepped back and looked at her son. “Honey, I’ve always worried about you, about your size and gentle nature in a world full of hard men who take what they want and who try to force their will on those around them,” she said, and Blair felt himself blush but she ignored that and continued anyway. “You’ve made me so proud with your love of learning, your desire to reach out to unique cultures. Blair, you’ve always tried to understand the different societies but not become a part of them. You don’t need to. You need to be free to be who you are. Baby, you can’t do that if you become a part of a structured society that will only try to force you into a mold like everyone else.”

“Naomi, Blair is already who he wants to be,” Jim said, coming to Blair’s defense which made Blair cringe inside. Still, from the look on his face, you’d think those humiliating words had been directed at him. It mollified Blair somewhat as Jim continued. “He’s made his choices, give him the respect he deserves and honor them…”

Naomi whirled, her face furious and Blair knew she was blaming Jim for his changes.

“Don’t you dare, Jim! Blair was the sweetest boy in the world until he met up with you. Now look at him! He is not a part of this life you lead! You don’t understand him…his needs…”

Blair felt almost physical pain. “Mom! Naomi…stop this! You’re still trying to keep me apart from everyone else! I’m not different. I’m just me. But I’m not a little kid anymore either…”

“Baby, I’ve never kept you apart, I’ve always let you explore who you are,” Naomi said, sounding completely baffled. 

“Right, is that why you wouldn’t let me cut my hair and kept me in dresses until I was almost twelve…?”

“Those weren’t dresses! They were tunics – and the occasional sarong…” Naomi turned to look at Jim, her fury from a moment before immediately dissolving like cotton candy in the golden glow of her memories. “He had the most beautiful curls. Ringlets almost to his waist…”

“Mom, that’s the point! There are places where I want to fit in, where I need to fit in. But you never saw that. Growing up you never saw that I didn’t fit in with the other kids. I was the long-haired freak who didn’t know how to play baseball.” Naomi still seemed lost in her thoughts, but Blair could see the moment when Naomi finally registered his distress. Guilt crossed her features and he saw the moment when she decided that she should support him. He’d seen that look so many times and now, like every time before, it came after he’d blown up at her.

“But then you cut your hair and we both grew, spiritually and emotionally,” she said with a smile as she straightened his lapels but then held on as he again tried to jerk away. “You learned how to play baseball. Martin took you to those games, you two talked baseball for hours.” She smiled and put her hands on Blair’s shoulders. “I hear you, honey, I really do. The change just shocked me a bit but I’ll get used to it,” she said with a smile and a caress to Blair’s head. “So you’ve cut your hair again and what is it this time? Football?” She laughed lightly until Blair pulled back sharply.

“It’s just a change, Mom. Let it go, okay?” Blair asked tightly, struggling to suppress his desire to throw her hands off of him and shove her back. Instead he stepped back and turned away as a flash of large men came to mind. She claimed that Jim didn’t understand him but he understood him better than Naomi did – except for this. Jim would never understand what it was to be vulnerable and weak, at the mercy of those who were stronger. Gods above, his kaleidoscopic emotions were too much and then he almost laughed. So maybe he was more like his mother than he’d originally thought… He shook his head. He wanted to hold his Mom and have her hold him. He wanted Jim to…NO! He felt near tears _again_. He bit back on the sob that formed a lump at the back of his throat and dropped his head into his hands. _No, damnit, you’re a man, get a hold of yourself_. He felt acid churning in his stomach and his eyes were burning but it had to be better than crying like a girl, right? He took a deep breath and turned to Naomi. The fear he’d been feeling a moment before turned to anger again at his mother’s words. 

“Mom, I need to do this. It’s not a whim or a childish need to fit it,” he growled again and saw her eyes widen in shock. He wasn’t sure if he was pleased at shocking her or sorry for bursting the little bubble-world she lived in. He drew in a shaky breath. He was losing it; the seesawing emotions were wreaking havoc with him. He looked over at Jim, saw him standing there as strong and resolute as an oak stanchion, a solid presence despite the riptide currents in which Blair was lost. He wanted nothing more than to move over next to him, to feel that steady strength. Blair shook his head and physically took a step back from his thoughts. 

Naomi looked pole-axed for a moment. “Honey, what’s the matter?” she asked and gave Jim a confused look. 

“Nothing, Mom. I’m tired. It’s been a long day and Jim and I still have to work tonight. You can sleep in my room, alright?” Blair said, feeling the need to get the hell out. He quickly turned to his room to get some things he’d need for the stakeout and next day.

“Blair? Where are you going and what about dinner? Baby, you need to eat,” Naomi said as she followed him to his room.

“No thanks, Mom. I’m not hungry. I’ve got to meet with a study group for a little while,” Blair said, speaking the truth about eating. With the way his stomach felt he doubted he’d be eating any time soon. He stepped by his Mom to grab his bag from where he’d left it earlier. He turned to her to say goodnight but paused at the sorrow on her face. He really hadn’t meant to hurt her, but he needed her to understand that he wasn’t her little boy anymore.

“Mom, I’m sorry you don’t approve of the man I’ve become, but you’ll have to learn to accept it. I’m not your pretty little baby,” Blair stated, and walked to the door.

“Blair…” Jim said.

“I’ll see you down at the office, Jim,” Blair replied, unaware of the anguish that showed in his eyes and then turned and left.

~*~*~

Jim was speechless. Everything in him screamed that he couldn’t just let Blair walk out. His friend needed help. And what was with that look in his eyes? He started to go after him but Naomi stepped in front of him and stopped him, her hands on his arms. 

“Let him go, Jim. He needs to process and, quite frankly, so do I. I’m afraid I’m not very hungry, so I’ll just call it a night, okay?” Naomi gave Jim a clueless brilliant smile and left, not noticing that Jim hadn’t answered. 

Jim stood still as a stature for a moment, too busy listening to painful, desperate sounds as Blair drove off into the night to worry about Naomi. He shook his head in wonder. What the hell had just happened? As he’d done far too often lately, Jim had dialed down his senses with regard to Blair but it was necessary because of Naomi, too. Blair had been anxious (probably over Naomi’s no-notice visit and Sam’s pregnancy) and with the nearly constant anger he exuded, he’d been unable to handle Naomi’s emotions running amok and polluting the air around him. He had to say, though, that he did agree with Naomi’s shock over Blair’s appearance. He barely looked at his friend at all nowadays. Still, he could feel her anger and confusion but he’d hoped, he’d really hoped, she’d be able to get through to Blair about what was going on with him because, God knows, he hadn’t had any success. 

Jim was glad that Blair had finally told his Mom to back off, though. He’d always felt that she had too much influence on Blair which didn’t bode well for him because of her flighty and erratic ways. Yes, Blair was changing just as he was. They were growing and learning about the whole Sentinel/Guide thing together. But there was no way possible that Blair’s current behavior was a natural change. In fact, he honestly thought Blair was on the verge of losing it. He clenched his hands into fists. He had so wanted to just take over and tell Naomi to get the hell out but his last argument with Blair stopped him. The last thing Blair needed was Jim trying to protect him from his own _mother_! 

With a shake of his head, Jim decided he wasn’t hungry, either, so he grabbed an extra blanket and pillow and left them on the couch hoping that Blair would make use of them at some point. He then made his way slowly upstairs.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter details a rape.

“A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, ‘The one I feed the most.’”  
― George Bernard Shaw

 

Several hours later Jim and Blair hunkered down behind the shipping crate, listening in to Rafe and H with their mic turned off. Tonight they were on the east side. Although their tip hadn’t stated a specific location other than ‘down on the docks’, they were covering all their bases. They silently watched their section of the docks for any movement, Blair quietly directing Jim to dial down the scent of rotting wood, dead fish and industrial chemicals. Per the informant, the shipment was due in near midnight but so far they’d seen nothing. Jim closed his eyes and Blair suggested he try to extend his hearing but Jim seemed to be having trouble focusing. 

Blair took a deep breath and tried to push down his irritation with Jim’s difficulty. _Calm down_ , he told himself, _how can you help Jim if you’re all stressed out?_ He took another deep breath but it didn’t help. His stomach was churning and he could feel sweat breaking out all over his body and he realized he wasn’t so much irritated as afraid. _Calm down, damn it, he told himself forcefully. Jim NEEDS you!_ But no matter what he told himself, it didn’t help. He was too scared. Yeah, right, he was fucking _terrified_. What would happen if they found these guys? He’d been with Jim in enough situations to know that things could go south really fast. Under normal circumstances he tried not to think about what could go wrong, that was way too nerve-wracking. Tonight he couldn’t help but think of everything that could go wrong, of all the ways in which Jim could get in trouble or get hurt…and what good was he? He sucked at taking care of himself despite his recent training. How in the hell was he supposed to help Jim? Not to mention that something about being down here on the docks was sending painful memory flashes into his brain. Oh, man, now was _sooo_ not the time to start having flashbacks! Blair looked around as he tried to calm himself down but everything he saw just seemed to make it worse. Why? What was it about being down here was making him remember… _Oh man!_

He looked around wildly. The dark, dilapidated buildings that made his heart pound; the rotten stench of God knows what that was... His stomach flipped and he wondered if he was going to toss his cookies right on Jim’s feet and wouldn’t that just be the frosting on the cake of his life? Oh man, oh man – why was this happening? Why… Oh, god, jeez, shit… _Fuck!_ It was here! Oh, man, ohman… Not now! Not here! Blair found his heart rate escalating. No, he told himself, you can’t do this now. _Jim needs you…_

Jim suddenly turned and grabbed him by the arms, giving him a little shake as if to try to get Blair’s attention. “Blair, what’s wrong?” he growled out, his face registering intense alarm which, with Jim, came out as anger that anything or anyone had hurt his Guide. He began running his hands over Blair’s body, no doubt trying to find out what was wrong, where he was hurt.

Fear surged through Blair when Jim suddenly turned on him. Memories of big men, strong men holding him down, running their hands over his body suddenly slammed into him and he pulled away with a cry.

“Blair!” Jim bit out as Blair struggled to get away and he whimpered. Panicking, Blair scuttled backwards until he found himself with his back against a wall as he tried to get himself back under control. _This is Jim! Jim, not them… Calm, calm, breathe…_ The litany repeated itself in his head as he stared into the intense eyes of his Sentinel and something clicked. Despite the fact that Jim had his hands on his biceps and was leaning over him, he felt himself calm down. This was his Sentinel. His Sentinel would not harm him. His breathing slowed and his mind stopped racing. It was only a memory, not Jim, he repeated again and it worked. He could feel himself calming down and knew, from the look in Jim’s eyes, that he realized it, too. But just as he felt the easing of his panic he felt the upsurge of self-disgust and he turned away for a moment and that’s when he became aware that Rafe was radioing for back-up.

“Rafe!” he exclaimed when he understood that they’d spotted the men they were looking for. He turned back to Jim but he was too busy cataloging his physical status, his hands running constantly over Blair as he tried to ascertain what was wrong. Blair knew that it was his own emotions that were driving Jim to ignore Rafe’s call. He had to break him out of this state. 

“Jim, listen to me, I’m fine,” he said quickly and then took several deep breaths to calm himself. “Rafe needs us. We have to go. You must protect the tribe.” That seemed to do the trick and Jim’s eyes cleared and then widened and he spun around and took off, calling over his shoulder for Blair to stay put. Blair, already furious at himself for his loss of control, ignored Jim’s order and sprinted after him. He heard a vehicle racing away just as he caught up with Jim only to see him turn around to slam his hand against a crate in anger and frustration. He’d obviously lost the suspect and Blair knew he was to blame. Rafe showed up a moment later, breathing heavily. From his face Blair knew that he’d lost the suspect also. 

“Where were you, Jim?” Rafe demanded in between pants. They could hear H over the radio calling in a description of the suspect’s vehicle but they knew it would be a lost cause. It would probably be found later, wiped down and abandoned.

Blair saved Jim from answering. “It was my fault, Rafe. Jim took off when you called in,” Blair paused when Jim interrupted with a “Sandburg –” but he put his hand up. “He told me to stay with the truck but I followed anyway. I tripped and Jim heard me go down. I guess he thought I’d been jumped. He came back to make sure I was alright and then took off again when he saw I was okay. I’m the reason he was late getting to you. I’m sorry,” he finished. 

Blair could see the anger in Rafe’s eyes, but still the man just nodded, accepting the explanation. Blair felt his stomach twist. It had been his fault, but how it went down wasn’t exactly the truth so guilt for lying on top of everything else twisted his stomach.

Jim looked at him, anger and understanding in his eyes for the lie. Blair knew then that Jim wasn’t going to call Blair out on it in front of Rafe. It was going to be bad enough when they had to report back to Simon and he grimaced at the thought. H joined them a bit later and nothing more was said until later when Jim and Blair were in the truck.

“Jim –” Blair began but Jim put his hand up so he turned to look down, his hands twisting together in his lap. He wondered if Jim could still smell the fear coming off of him. No doubt that plus his obvious panic attack had set Jim off which couldn’t have happened at a worse time. 

Then Jim put his hand on top of Blair’s, stilling their agitated movement. “We don’t have time right now, Blair. We’re going to have to go back and report this to Simon and deal with this mess first. Later, we will sit down and talk about this.” 

Jim was quiet for a moment as he stared out of the windshield. When he spoke again, his voice was much quieter but filled with uncertainty and hurt. “You _**do**_ know that I would never hurt you, don’t you?” 

“I know that, Jim,” Blair whispered. The concern in Jim’s voice had him almost to the end of his resistance. He wanted so badly to just tell him but he couldn’t bear to see the disgust in those blue eyes that he was positive would be there when Jim learned how he’d been used. So he simply wouldn’t tell him.

“Okay,” Jim said but Blair knew it wasn’t and, right now, he had supreme doubts that it ever would be again. Miserable, Blair just stared out of the window as they drove off to report to Simon.

~*~*~

The SUV slowed down and pulled off to the side of the road. The three men inside were still breathing erratically after their narrow escape.

“Why’d you stop here? They could be behind us right now!” 

The driver scowled at the young man in the passenger seat. “There’s no one behind us. I checked! Calm down!” 

But the other two men wouldn’t calm down. They still had their plaything tied up on the floor at the back of the SUV. They had been preparing for a little fun in their usual location, a dilapidated warehouse down on the docks, when they’d heard some scuffling outside. Peeking around the corner they’d seen a large man bent over a smaller person who seemed to be struggling to get away. They didn’t want to be a part of anyone else’s party so they opted to just leave. Two of them took their plaything and had put him in the SUV. The third was making sure they didn’t leave anything behind when another man spotted him. He started running and things had gotten a little hairy but he got to the SUV and they got away clean. At least they hoped they did. It looked like it could have been cops on their tail.

“What’re we gonna do now?” the third man in the back asked. “We still got him in the back!”

“We’ll dump him near the uni. He’ll wake up and go home.”

“How can you be sure? Maybe he’ll go to the police…”

“Nah, trust me. These guys never report anything. He’ll figure out he’s not hurt and he won’t say a word. They never do…”

The other two men looked at one another for a moment but then nodded but one looked at the driver and the other man in disgust. “Figures this’d happen when it’s my choice and my turn to get first trophy.”

The driver snorted. Although they’d been taking enough trophies for each of them to have one, they had recently decided that whoever pinpointed their next toy got first dibs. It had just worked out that he’d chosen their first two toys and although the silky blonde lock he had stashed at home had been the first, his favorite was the curled mahogany trophy he now carried around with him. It had made it easy to let the others decide who would be next. Unfortunately, by their new rules they couldn’t take the dark brown lock because they didn’t finish the party tonight. They’d just have to set up another party sometime soon. 

“You’ll get yours,” he promised and then pulled back onto the road. They drove towards the university and found a quiet place to drop off their lucky almost-playmate. When they were sure they were clear, they drove off into the night lamenting the early end to their fun.

~*~*~

That same night in a neighborhood far removed from the dock area, the man watched as his target locked the gate that pulled down over the deli door. He pulled back the cuff of his glove to look at his watch. It wasn’t that late, only a little after nine or so. He had plenty of time to meet up with the others to talk about the new shipment that was due in. Settling in, he focused on his target and slipped back into the mind-set for this ritual. He was glad he’d decided to move out from the docks. That was how he’d found _her_. He’d been watching this lovely for a few days now but it was time, the itch was getting unbearable but the wait had been worth it, she was perfect. He could tell that those lovely long locks had never seen any chemicals apart from those found in shampoo or conditioner. He wanted to smell the scent, to see if the choice matched what he knew of his lovely, but most of all, he ached to see that beautiful hair in the full light of the sun. He watched as the key was pocketed and his lovely began to walk to the car. It was time. He crouched down. He only had a few seconds to make his move. When he did it was quick and silent and he dragged his prize backwards into the alley next to the shop, making sure she never got a glimpse of his face. With practiced ease he pinned her down, using his muscular form to advantage to hold her still while holding one hand over her gasping mouth and then quickly sticking the needle into her neck. He felt his prize go limp in his arms as the drug raced through her panicked body. His lovely would end up with a headache but he didn’t care. He heard a shuffling noise behind him and hunkered down silently. He remained still until two pedestrians walked by and then, when they were gone, he pulled his lovely into the darker shadows of the alleyway. That had been close but he’d had no choice. He needed this badly.

The light in the alley was dim but it was enough for him to gaze at his prize as all higher thought fled with his blood now traveling in a southerly direction. Oh yes, he could feel the excitement building up in his groin at the thought of another addition to his little collection. Well, at least the collection from this area. He smiled to himself as he quickly stripped the jeans off the long legs. He was hard and leaking as he pushed the limp legs apart. He rubbed himself as he looked at the beauty all splayed out before him and quickly put on a condom. No way was anyone getting any DNA from him. Without wasting any time he shoved himself inside of the glorious heat. It took a bit of effort and he knew his prize was a virgin to this. Excellent, he thought to himself as he thrust up again. He’d known this one was special. Carefully, while still buried inside, he removed one glove to finger a long strand of silk. He really couldn’t see all the nuances of color because it was so dark, but tomorrow he’d pull out the strand in the full light of the sun so that he could see all of the highlights, the shimmering colors. He stroked the strand of hair as he resumed his thrusts. Yes, this sweet, silky lovely would be one of his prize possessions. He knew it already and his excitement seemed to skyrocket and he thrust faster and faster until he came, exploding inside of the wonderful tight heat. 

Breathing heavily he pulled out and removed the condom, tied it off and shoved it inside of his pocket. God, yes! He felt powerful as he stood over the inert form. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. Sharp and deadly, it gleamed in the weak glow of moonlight that reached the alley. Bending forward he grabbed a handful of silk, intentionally taking a larger section than normal because of the value of this prize. He sliced it off close to the skin and lifted it to his nose for a bit, pleasure greater than that from a moment before coursing through him. He cataloged the scent but didn’t take too long at it. Experience told him he needed to move on, so he carefully tucked his trophy into a small plastic bag he carried with him for just this purpose. Putting away the knife he scanned the area before replacing his glove. Yes, this one would be a favorite. And when this job was over he’d go back to his special place to add his new prize to his collection and to reminisce over some of his other favorites. With quick movements to straighten clothes and verify nothing was left behind, he strode out of the alley and into the night with the arrogant swagger of the conqueror.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
“A beautiful thing never gives so much pain as does failing to hear and see it.” - Michelangelo

 

Blair accepted Simon’s bellowing with a stoic expression. All four men stood in Simon’s office but all of Simon’s comments were directed, very loudly, at Sandburg alone. 

Blair registered the threat of having his ride-along status revoked if he couldn’t follow orders. He acknowledged the danger he’d not only placed his partner in, but also the danger in which he had placed both H and Rafe as well. Jim had tried to interrupt with an admission of his own part in choosing to go back to check on Blair when he’d ‘tripped in the dark’, but Simon cut him off with a growl and Blair knew that Simon was mentally blaming this on some Sentinel thing. He closed his eyes in self-disgust. They’d lost the suspects and their lead to the shipment. All they had was a description of a dark SUV and partial descriptions of three suspects. And now with their stakeout blown, who knew when or where the shipment would be brought in. 

“So, as of right now, we’ve got no way to stop this arms shipment coming in and, to top it all off, there’s a serial rapist on the loose! Do any of you have any idea what frame of mind the Chief is in right now?” Simon bellowed. With a disgusted hiss and a firm chomp on his unlit cigar, he turned back to his desk. Simon was understandably furious and he didn’t hold back on letting his men know that. But when Sandburg attempted to hand over his identification badge, Simon waved it away with a warning glare.

“Not until I ask for it, damn it!” Simon growled. And then, with a final order for everyone to figure out a way to clean up this mess, hopefully involving some semblance of a lead on the whereabouts of the shipment, Simon growled out a dismissal.

Blair had never felt lower in his life. He and Jim trudged out of the station and silently made their way home. Once they got in Blair mumbled another apology and turned to go to his room when he remembered about his Mom. He paused and turned around only to see Jim reading a note. Apparently Naomi couldn’t sleep with all of the negative emotions permeating the loft right now. She had opted to go to a hotel for the night and said that she would call the next day. Despite the guilt he now felt over her unease, Blair was still glad she wasn’t there to see how this night had ended.

“Blair…” Jim started but Blair just shook his head and turned away to enter his room. He lay on his bed for hours, still fully dressed, as he slammed himself for allowing his problems to affect his work with Jim. God, he couldn’t believe he’d lost it like that in front of Jim. It was nearly four am and he felt the need to hit something. He wanted desperately to be at the gym taking his frustrations out on the punching bag. Going to the gym was his only coping mechanism. It was the one place where he could let his emotions out and the ferocity of what he felt fueled his workouts. But it had gotten to the point where any calm he found there was short-lived and he was back in the maelstrom of his thoughts. He couldn’t work out hard enough to still the raging emotions inside of him. He needed to meditate. It was his only option. 

Hours later Blair finally gave up the fruitless attempt at meditation when his alarm clock startled him. It was time to get ready to go to the university. With a heavy sigh, he dragged himself up to take a shower.

~*~*~

Despite the disastrous stakeout, Jim hoped things would get better between Blair and his mom. He was wrong. The next two days were, if possible, even worse. When he bothered to make an appearance, Jim could almost see Blair grinding his teeth at his mother’s incessant chatter, which was really unusual. Blair was the most patient man he knew. He was also incredibly polite. He no longer displayed either of those qualities, neither with his Mom nor with Jim. Finally everything came to a head and there was a huge argument over Blair’s name, of all things. 

Jim thought back to that night when Blair had accused Naomi of trying to turn him into the daughter she’d obviously always wanted. First he said that she’d named him a girl’s name and then he re-hashed the whole long hair/dress comments from Naomi’s first day there. 

“Honey, I chose Blair because I just liked it. It was popular back then…”

“For _**girls**_ , Naomi!”

“No, baby, for both girls _**and**_ boys. Although I have to say that had I known the meaning I many not have chosen it,” Naomi turned to Jim to explain. “It’s Gaelic and means ‘plain’ but Blair is so far from plain. He’s beautiful, isn’t he, Jim?”

Jim coughed and blushed a bit. The truth was that he thought Blair was very beautiful, even with his hair gone. And Jim would give his eye teeth to see Blair with hair to his waist. But, fortunately for him, he was saved from having to answer by the roll of Blair’s eyes. 

“Naomi, the origin of the name meant ‘from the plains’, not plain as in looks…” Blair ran a frustrated and angry hand over his head but then stopped abruptly and stood, saying he had a tutoring session to get to and quickly left, leaving both Jim and Naomi speechless. 

“Jim –” Naomi began, seemingly at a loss to explain what had just happened, but Jim just shook his head and tossed his napkin on the table. Naomi quietly picked up her plate and Blair’s and retreated into the kitchen.

“I’ll get those, Naomi –” Jim began, but Naomi just shook her head and raised a hand. Jim decided to retreat to the balcony hoping that the two could talk again the next day. 

Apparently, though, Blair’s attitude was too much for Naomi to handle, much to Jim’s dismay. He’d hoped she’d be able to settle Blair down a bit. But rather than trying to find out what was bothering Blair she opted to go to the retreat she had planned. She announced her change of plans the next morning. If Blair was surprised he didn’t show it but he did ask Jim if he was available to take her to the airport since he had a class to teach. Naomi just put up her hands saying she already had a taxi on the way so with some quick hugs and kisses she flew out of the door a full two days earlier than she’d originally planned. Although Jim had hoped she could talk to Blair it was obvious her presence was more of a hindrance than a help so he was glad to see her go. 

However, Blair didn’t seem to even notice her departure. He’d been too busy to notice much of anything as far as Jim could tell during those brief moments when they happened to be in the same room at the same time. In fact, Blair was too busy to even report to the station but Jim was sure his behavior wouldn’t have been any different there. He just wished he could have some time alone with Blair so that they could talk but that just wasn’t happening. He knew that Blair was avoiding being alone with him but he was at a loss over what to do about it. He hadn’t been available on either night of their latest stakeouts, claiming his study group was taking up a lot of time, which was just as well right now. There’d been no new leads on their case, although there had been another rape further downtown but with the same MO as the rapes near the docks, and Simon was still pissed off over the last failed stakeout. Still, they hadn’t even had dinner together this week at all. It must be one hell of a study group if Blair was too busy to even have dinner and then didn’t come in until midnight. And Jim could see that he was beginning to drag a bit with this new schedule. It was obvious to him that Blair had lost weight. Sandburg had always been stocky but it was mostly muscle. Jim had fantasized about the feel of Blair’s skin over that softly curving muscle. Now he thought that Blair was starting to look pretty lean and, if anything, even more muscular although that muscle was cut and sharply defined and Jim guiltily wondered what Blair’s ass must look like now. 

Jim kicked himself. He really did not need to start thinking like that, especially since he’d never be able to act on it. Blair was straight and that wasn’t going to change and he wasn’t about to add to his friend’s stress by making his own bisexuality known. He was glad, though, that Blair had apparently broken things off with Sam even if she might be pregnant with his child. While there’d be very little lessening of the stress his friend seemed to be constantly under, trying to make a relationship work with that harpy, on top of raising a child would be only make it worse. 

Jim ran a hand over his face. He was tired and stressed, too. And the dreams he’d been having lately kept circling in his head. He didn’t remember much, just flashes of a wolf, snarling one moment and whining softly the next. 

Speaking of stress, Jim felt the tension in his shoulders and he rotated them a bit. He wasn’t hungry but figured another workout might ease the tightness he was feeling. Things had been so off lately that he’d taken to working out at the station before coming home instead of in the afternoon when Blair could join him. Tonight he skipped the workout at the station because he’d just been tired and figured he might catch Sandburg on one of his whirlwind trips to the loft, assuming he would even come home. It didn’t happen so Jim sat on the couch in front of the TV but staring out of the balcony window. Frustrated but too wired to go to bed he decided to hit the local gym. It had been ages since he’d been there but he figured a quick workout would help him sleep since he had to go back on surveillance the next night so he grabbed his gym bag and headed out. 

Jim parked his truck and headed into the gym. He’d considered bringing Blair here at one time, but they tended to hit the gym at the station instead. He missed those workouts. Jim would help Blair with his form while Blair kept up a steady monologue that seemed to make their workouts fly by. Yeah, he missed that but mostly, he knew, he just missed his friend. He scanned the area around the dark lot through habit but didn’t notice anything unusual. As soon as he walked through the door, though, he felt more than heard a familiar heartbeat. Blair was at the gym? He’d told Jim that he was with his study group. Why would he lie about that? Maybe the group had been canceled for the night, but if so why didn’t Blair come home for some much-needed rest?

Jim decided to just scout around a bit as he listened for Blair’s heart-beat. He saw Harry, the night manager, and he gave him a nod and a smile but didn’t stop to talk. He was following the sound and then stopped at the doorway to the weight room. There was Blair working with a good amount of weight on the bar he was pressing. He watched from a distance as he neared the end of his set, heard his spotter pushing him to do one more rep and Blair gave it all he had. Under normal circumstances Jim would have been right there cheering him on but now he was hesitant to approach. It was obvious Blair had been coming here instead of studying judging from the amount of built-up muscle his friend now sported. Jim just thought that he was too lean, his face almost gaunt. His thoughts were interrupted by Harry stopping by.

“Hi, Jim, it’s been quite a while. Going to lift some weights?”

Jim gave a distracted nod.

“Once you’ve changed Stan will be free to spot you as soon as he’s done with Jake,” Harry offered.

“Jake?” Jim asked perplexed.

“Yeah, the little guy. He’s a real go-getter. He’s got a kick-boxing workout scheduled after this so the bench will be free –”

“Kick-boxing, huh?” Jim asked in surprise.

“Yeah, don’t know where he gets the energy, but he’s a pretty driven guy. Doing good, too.” Harry looked back at Jake and then back to Jim who was still staring at Jake. 

“He looks pretty cut. Is he going into some competition?” Jim asked. Blair was really pushing at those weights with a concentration that surprised him. Normally Blair enjoyed the workouts but he’d never been interested in sculpting his muscles claiming that Jim had enough for the both of them.

“Not that I know of but I’ve been meaning to talk to him about his diet. He doesn’t need to lose any more weight, he’s looking a little too cut, you know what I mean?” Jim knew that Harry wouldn’t normally discuss another customer’s regimen with just anyone but Jim had occasionally helped out as a trainer, so he apparently didn’t mind sharing more details. “I also don’t like those shadows under his eyes. I think he’s doing too much, but he doesn’t like to hear that.”

“Yeah,” Jim answered, and then Harry was called by another patron. He slapped Jim on the shoulder and told him not to be a stranger before walking away. Jim stood there just watching. There was something definitely wrong here and he was definitely going to find out what. 

Covertly, Jim watched as Blair finished with the weights and scrubbed the sweat off his face and neck. Since Blair was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt (which was odd since Jim would have bet that Sandburg didn’t even own anything that wasn’t long-sleeved) he scanned his friend’s body remembering the bruises Blair had on his neck. With Blair lying back on the weight bench, his head pointing away from the doorway in which Jim stood, Jim could easily see the faded marks once he dialed up his sight. As soon as he did, though, he felt his stomach turn. Those bruises hadn’t been caused by anything falling on Blair. Jim could easily see the imprints left by fingers.

Jim was stunned. Blair had been hurt by someone who’d held his jaw tightly enough to leave bruises. And there were faint bruise marks on his biceps and wrists. He felt the fury build up inside of him as all of his protective instincts began to rage. Who’d hurt Blair? Was it Sam? No, while she was more than capable of hitting out at Blair she wouldn’t have been able to leave that bruising. Maybe she got someone else involved. But if he’d been jumped, why hadn’t Blair said something? Knowing him, he probably cut her some slack because of her pregnancy. Well, he’d figure out who did this and make damn sure they paid. What tore at him now was wondering why he hadn’t seen the bruises before now. He thought back and then remembered seeing makeup on Blair’s collar, a high collar like the ones he’d been wearing ever since he’d gotten his hair cut off. Jim had thought it was a woman who’d left the makeup on him but he was probably using it to hide the evidence. Jesus, all this time since Blair had been hurt and Jim had never suspected a thing; he’d just been hurt and angry that Blair hadn’t seemed to want to be around him ever since he’d returned from the conference with Simon. Everything had been fine before that trip and, since all of this started after that weekend, he assumed that had been the weekend that Sam had told him of her pregnancy.

Jim closed his eyes in self-recrimination. Blair might have shut him out because of his own issues but he was at fault, too. He hadn’t looked closely enough, couldn’t bear to see the changes his friend was going through. _Face it, Ellison, you didn’t want to look because you’re so freaking shallow all you could think about was the loss of those gorgeous curls._

Angered as much at himself as with Blair, Jim stepped forward with a desire to just grab Blair and force him to tell him what was going on. He took another step but Blair had gotten up from his workout and was leaving through the other door, apparently without seeing Jim. Jim crossed the weight room and followed him out of the door into the hallway only to see him disappear into another room. Jim knew that Blair had gone into one of the smaller rooms used for individual training or small classes. The door had a small inset window so he moved closer intent to see what Blair was doing.

Blair spoke with another man for a bit as they stretched and then they each put on some gloves and headgear. Jim was sure he’d seen the man around the gym before and Harry had told him that Blair had a kick box workout scheduled. Jim figured it was probably some cardio kick boxing to build up some stamina and flexibility. He decided to watch.

Blair bounced back with his hands up and his opponent moved forwards. He could hear talking so he dialed up his hearing. Despite the mouth guards they each wore he could easily hear their discussion on form and strategy. They suddenly exchanged a flurry of blows and Jim was surprised to see Blair hold his own. Then he remembered that Blair had told him that he’d done some boxing a long time ago. The men continued their session, exchanging both blows and kicks. Then it seemed that their warm-up was over and Jim saw the trainer move in with some fast blows followed by a kick that Blair couldn’t block. Blair flew backwards and Jim had his hand on the doorknob to stop the fight. Everything in him wanted to knock the shit out of the trainer for touching his Guide. But before he turned the knob Blair was back on his feet motioning with his hands for the trainer to continue. It took everything Jim had in him to take his hand off of the doorknob but he succeeded although he had to physically back away from the door. 

With his back to the wall in the hallway Jim forced himself to take some deep breaths and calm down. This was a training session, damn it, not someone setting out to deliberately hurt his Blair. And nothing of what was happening was about him. It was all about Blair. He needed to get his head together now or he’d be of no use to his friend. After a bit Jim knew he was calm enough to watch again. He moved back to the door and this time he watched more critically, less emotionally. And that’s when he saw it, the aggression on Blair’s face. And not just aggression – Blair was furious. It was a look he’d never seen on his calm and peaceful companion and it shook him deeply. Whoever had hurt his Blair had caused this change. But how could he get Blair to open up to him? He had to figure it out so he decided to leave it alone for now and left to go home, determined to fix whatever had happened.


	10. Chapter 10

“It is wrong to think that misfortunes come from the east or from the west; they originate within one’s own mind. Therefore, it is foolish to guard against misfortunes from the external world and leave the inner mind uncontrolled.” – Hindu Prince Gautama Siddhartha, founder of Buddhism

 

“This is a sample?” Gerald Messing questioned the man standing in front of him in calm tone, completely opposite to the fit he’d thrown earlier. “It wasn’t easy to get more this soon after the cops found our last shipment,” he went on without waiting for an answer. 

The man ensured no expression showed on his face despite his employer’s slightly accusatory tone. He’d had nothing to do with that last shipment being found, but was accustomed to his employer blaming everyone around him for his own problems. Still, if his boss went down, he would, too, so he needed to do whatever he could to ensure the safety of the next shipment. 

He watched as Mr. Messing looked at the sample and then shrug before continuing. “This had better satisfy our customers. I can’t get any more until our usual shipment comes in through our regular channels tomorrow night.” This was said almost in warning which the man understood even though he had no control over whether or not the customers would be satisfied. Messing handed him the open package to hand-carry to the technician for testing. 

Without a word, he took the sample and carried it out of the room. He’d only seen this stuff from a distance before now so, out of curiosity, he picked up a block and hefted it a bit in his palm. He dug a fingernail into it knowing enough about it to not be afraid of it exploding in his hand like some jerks he’d known. He smelled it and frowned, not liking the chemicals that assaulted his nose. Curiosity appeased, he put it back into the box he held and then closed the plastic wrapping over the block of explosive as he walked into the other room, grateful to be away from Mr. Messing even though he wasn’t yelling anymore. Ever since that other shipment had been destroyed he’d been a bear to be around. _This shipment had better go according to plan _, he thought to himself as he rolled his head to ease the tension in his neck. He handed the package over for the tech to analyze a small sample. He was tense as he watched the tech do his job. Running a hand through his thick shock of hair, he waited in the corner and tried to ignore the twitching of his shoulder blades. A few minutes later the tech handed the sample back and the man returned it to Gerald Messing. A short time after that, Messing’s business was concluded and his men dispersed, most going back to the warehouse itself except for one. He chose to get some fresh air outside. It was then he saw the kid. His shoulders twitched again, only this time it was in irritation. He needed to set some things straight with that punk.__

As soon as he reached the younger man he grabbed him by the arm and hauled him around to the side of the building. After a heated conversation, he watched the younger man drive away, anger coursing through his body. He’d purposefully moved his activities away from the docks but the boy had obviously decided he liked playing close to home. _Stupid shit_ , he thought with a low growl. If he got caught, not only would that curtail Mr. Messing’s activities, and therefore his own source of income, but there was a good chance he’d squeal which would lead the cops right to him. He was going to have to do something about that. He moved his shoulders restlessly. That itch was back, stronger than before. He couldn’t do anything about it, though…it was too close to when that load was supposed to come in. So not tonight and especially not tomorrow, not until afterwards and then it’d have to be somewhere downtown again. 

Okay, so he’d scout tonight, find someone, watch them tonight and tomorrow night and get their schedule down. He rolled his neck again. _Fuck_! He needed it now but moving without a plan was too dangerous. He had no choice but to wait. He looked around and noted the other men packing up and leaving in preparation of the night’s work. He twisted an arm up and tried to scratch the itch but couldn’t reach it. He contemplated rubbing up against the stack of crates next to him but knew from experience that he could practically gouge the flesh off of his back and the itch still wouldn’t go away. 

It was getting dark. He didn’t have much time. He needed to find her, watch, plan… _Damn it!_ He went inside to grab his jacket, rolling his shoulders uselessly as he walked. He could go straight downtown right now, maybe over by the university. There were lots of young people with long hair, students – not hookers – and not all clubbers with hair all crazy colors. He was sure he’d find someone suitable. Yeah, that’s it, he thought desperately as he imagined a flesh-eating beetle of some type or a worm working its way into the spot right in between his shoulder blades. He knew that identifying his next target would help ease the itch for now and then he’d be good to come back and handle that load. 

With that plan in mind, he decided to drive the opposite way off the dock, head straight towards the school. He drove through the portion of the dock where all the offices were. Most of the workers having already left for the day kept things quiet. The roadways were lit by dim, yellow lights installed over the doors of the various companies that were housed in the many warehouses. As he drove along from one band of light and into the next, a flash of muted golden color caught his eyes. There! Moving to get into a small, compact car… Oh, man! He was mesmerized by the long, golden cascade of hair trailing down the young woman’s back. Perfect! But he couldn’t… Not now, not yet. He felt his heart thumping as he watched her walking, saw the sway of the golden treasure and his dick got hard. He quickly pulled his car over and watched as she stopped, as though realizing that she’d forgotten something inside. He saw her call to someone and then wave before turning around and heading back into her building – alone. He felt sweat break out on his brow as his breathing deepened and his hand automatically went to the knife he kept with him. He had to have her. At that moment all of his plans went out of the window. As though in a trance, he stepped out of his car and followed…

~*~*~

“Jim, we’ve gotten word that another shipment is coming in tomorrow night,” Captain Banks said to his top detective when he got in the next morning and then proceeded to fill him in on the details. “We’re going to go through everything we’ve got so far. I need you at the top of your game on this, Jim, so where’s Sandburg?” 

Simon didn’t pull any punches. He knew there was something going on between the two men who comprised the best team in the Major Crime squad despite Sandburg’s ride-along status, and he wasn’t going to put up with any personal issues that could compromise the successful outcome of this investigation. Although he’d tried, at Jim’s request, to find out what was bothering the young man, he hadn’t gotten anywhere. He understood Jim’s concerns. While he had appreciated some aspects of the new, quieter Sandburg, he had to agree it just wasn’t right. As a whole, the new Sandburg just screamed wrongness and it made his instincts stand up and tell him that Jim had been right in that something really bad had happened to Sandburg. The only problem was that unless he was willing to talk about it, there wasn’t much he could do…until now. He could deal more with the serious mien the man displayed, but another change in behavior was that Sandburg was displaying an attitude that Simon would never have attributed to him. Now, Simon didn’t put up with macho bullshit from any of his men, but that Sandburg had been displaying that same behavior both confused and amused him. Sandburg was like one of those little Banty roosters, tiny and all aggression. Unfortunately, it was now causing a problem. He just hoped it didn’t have anything to do with the weird mystical stuff that surrounded his best team. He didn’t think so, though, since as far as he could tell and from what Jim had told him, the problem seemed to center around Sandburg alone.

It was H who’d come to report an incident about Sandburg and a couple of guys from Vice. It seemed that they’d made some comments about Sandburg’s new look, saying that he’d finally realized he looked too girly and was now trying to follow in Ellison’s footsteps. The only problem, they figured, was that he wasn’t man enough to pull it off. Apparently one thing led to another and then it took both Rafe and H to pull Sandburg back. 

“He was like a wild man, Captain,” H told him with a slightly awed look. “He was throwing punches and kicks… I think Jim must be coaching him. I’ve just never seen him so _**pissed…**_ ”

Simon ran a hand over his face. An altercation like that couldn’t be ignored and he was sure he’d be hearing from Captain Yates in Vice at any moment. Until then he could get Sandburg’s side of the story. Simon thanked H and asked him to send in Ellison.

“Where’s Sandburg?” Simon demanded the minute Jim walked into his office.

“He said he’d be here, Captain,” Jim said and Simon hoped it was true. Then he saw Jim tilt his head in a typical listening pose and Simon wondered if he listened for Sandburg’s heartbeat or breathing or whatever. 

“He’s here,” Jim said quickly and Simon rolled his eyes which earned him a smile from his stoic detective. Simon had often told him that the blatant display of his ‘special gifts’ gave him the creeps so every now and then Jim liked to show off a little just to tease him. 

A few moments later Blair entered the bullpen and answered the greetings from some of his fellow detectives that were still on duty. Both Jim and Simon watched from Simon’s office as Blair dropped his backpack onto the floor behind Jim’s desk. He pulled off his jacket to reveal his usual flannel shirt. Then, surprisingly, he pulled off the shirt to reveal a tight t-shirt showing off a strongly muscled chest and buff arms.

“Damn, Jim,” Simon said in shock as he saw Blair’s upper torso. “You been giving that boy advice on working out?” He turned back to Jim and saw his eyes narrow. It was obvious that Jim didn’t like what he was seeing and he had that same uncomfortable thought that there was more to their relationship than they admitted. He was curious, though. “What do you see, Jim?”

“I see some very faded bruises on Blair’s biceps. Blair probably figures that they’re not very visible anymore, so he’s more comfortable in taking off his flannel. But Simon, he wouldn’t normally assume I couldn’t see them unless he’s very distracted.”

His words were interrupted by Blair suddenly being surrounded by H, Rafe, and Connor. They could both hear Blair spouting some made up story about his new physique and Simon could see Blair nearly preening at their comments but if he was enjoying their attention it sure didn’t show in his eyes. “I can’t tell if he’s happy over the way he looks or not,” Simon commented and then turned towards Jim only to see his eyes narrowing again as he watched Blair. “Jim?” Simon asked since Jim looked like he was almost zoning on Blair. He reached out with one hand the way he’d seen Sandburg do, hoping to stave off Jim’s reaction. He again had the thought that there was something more than friendship going on between the two men but since it wasn’t any of his business and it didn’t affect the running of his squad, he kept his nose out of it. But something had caused a change in not only Blair’s looks, but his attitude as well and he had to wonder if whatever that was could involve Jim on a personal level. God, he hoped not. He didn’t like to get into his people’s personal business unless he absolutely had to. His relief about an incipient zone was put to rest when Jim turned worried eyes back to him. “What’s going on, Jim? What started this bout of ‘Little Big Man’ syndrome in Sandburg?” 

“Someone hurt him, Simon.” Jim’s use of his first name brought their discussion to the personal level. “Someone hurt him,” Jim continued, “and everything he’s been going through is a result of that. But he won’t talk to me, he’s avoiding me. It’s like I had to make a special appointment just to get him to come here tonight.”

“Jesus, Jim. Who?” Simon demanded, leaning forward in his concern. He saw Jim’s look of frustration and a negative shake of his head but he could see how concerned Jim was. “Shit. But until he’s willing to talk about it, I don’t know what we can do. In the meantime, I need to talk to him about his attitude. There’s been an incident with some guys from Vice. Maybe that’ll get him to open up a bit.”

“What incident?”

“Seems Sandburg took offense to some comments and it took both H and Rafe to pull them apart.”

Jim just stared at Simon in shock which Simon fully understood. There was no way Blair would have gotten into a physical altercation over some comments, that just wasn’t something he’d do. But then, it might make sense considering how out of whack Blair’s behavior had been recently. 

“What are you going to do, sir?” Jim asked.

“I haven’t spoken with Yates yet. I’ll try to smooth this over as much as possible but there will be some type of reprimand coming, maybe a trip to Dr. Borat,” Simon said referring to the department psychiatrist. “There’s just one other thing, Jim.” Simon’s voice deepened with concern. “I need to know if this has anything to do with…you know…”

“No, Simon,” Jim replied, “this doesn’t have anything to do with the Sentinel/Guide thing.”

Simon let out a small breath of relief although he was still about to ask a question that would get him much deeper into his best team’s personal lives than he ever wanted to be. “You’re sure that someone hurt Sandburg? It’s not something…” Simon took a deep breath, “you know…between the two of you?”

Jim shot Simon a double-take when he realized what Simon was intimating. “No! We’re not…like that,” Jim said and looked away. “Besides…I’m still not sure, but I thought it might have something to do with Sam.”

“Sam? Sam who?” Simon demanded.

“From Forensics…” Jim answered quietly.

Simon blew out a relieved breath only because at least ‘Sam’ was a woman. This would all be so much easier to understand if it was woman trouble, but then his life had ceased to be easy ever since this Sentinel thing started. He ran a hand over the back of his neck. His gut was telling him a different story though. He knew Jim wasn’t being truthful with him. They may not be ‘like that’, but he got the impression that Jim wished otherwise. He wasn’t too sure how he felt about that potential situation, but since he really wasn’t too sure about anything when it came to best team and their ‘special circumstances’, he’d just go with it. He took a deep breath because, as usual, it wasn’t like he was ever given a choice in the matter. Just like he wasn’t given a choice now. “Then we need to do something. I’ll order him to talk to the department shrink if you think it’ll do any good.”

Jim just shot Simon a ‘yeah, right’ look which Simon really couldn’t disagree with. “Not Borat,” Jim said. “I just can’t see Blair opening up to someone like him. Let me talk to him again first or maybe we could get him to agree to speak with someone at the university?”

“Okay, Jim, I’ll let you handle this but something has to change or I’ll be forced to take official steps.”

“Understood, Simon,” Jim answered, effectively ending the conversation just as Blair tapped on Simon’s door.

“Hey, Captain, Jim,” Blair said nonchalantly as he came in and leaned a hip against the table.

“Sandburg,” Simon said by way of a greeting. Simon looked the young man over and didn’t like what he saw. Yeah, it was obvious Sandburg had been working out, but had he been eating at all? Or sleeping? Simon looked at the gaunt face and saw the shadows both under and in Sandburg’s eyes and he had to wonder what had happened to put that look in the eyes of a man who had been, until now, perpetually up-beat and happy. “Are you alright?” he found himself asking.

Blair’s eyes narrowed as though he’d been challenged. “I’m fine, Captain,” he spit out. “What’s on for tonight?”

Simon said nothing at the sharp response that was so unlike the Sandburg he knew. “We need to talk about that incident yesterday, Sandburg. Do you want Ellison to step out?” Simon began formally, all semblance of their personal friendship absent. He had to handle this completely professionally.

It seemed Blair understood the change in Simon’s demeanor, as though he’d expected it so he pulled away from the table and stood up straight.

“No, Jim can stay, Captain,” Blair began and shot Jim a quick glance as did Simon. They both saw a very stone-faced Jim standing on the other side of the room. “Let me just say that what happened yesterday was my fault. I shouldn’t have let those jerks’ ribbing get to me. I threw the first punch and I deserve whatever disciplinary action you see fit.”

“While I appreciate your candor, this incident comes on top of a very notable change in your overall behavior, Blair,” Simon said, using Blair’s first name as a mark of how serious he considered this conversation. “It seems to me that something serious has occurred recently to cause this change. I’ve tried to talk to you about this before but you assured me everything was fine. However, this incident leads me to believe otherwise. This level of aggressive behavior isn’t like you.”

“Why?” Blair demanded his emotions apparently on a hair-trigger and now boiling over into anger. “I’m a man just like you, like Jim, I can get pissed off, too, only I’ve never seen Jim being called on the carpet when **he** gets pissed off at some jerk! But if I stand up for myself, it’s obviously because something’s wrong with me. It’s because you see me as being weak, right? I’m short and…” Blair paused for a moment and a disgusted look momentarily crossed his features, “…a, a fucking target…!”

“Whoa, Chief, calm down, buddy! Where is this coming from?” Jim said, finally jumping in.

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Jim! You’re as bad as everyone else out there, throwing your muscles around, the big bad-ass ex-Ranger, covert ops-trained killer. No one would **ever** mess with you!”

“Now wait just a minute, Blair…!” Jim responded, sounding shocked at his friend’s accusations.

“Alright, that’s enough, Sandburg!” Simon growled. “This is exactly what I’m referring to. I meant no offense with my comments but you have taken them completely out of context. Now you listen up. I’m going to smooth things over with Captain Yates in Vice but there is one condition, Blair. You will talk to someone, either Dr. Borat or someone from the university clinic, and you will bring me some type of documentation to that effect. Failure to do so will have ramifications for your ride-along status.”

“Captain…?” Jim asked in a shocked voice. 

Simon knew he’d surprised Jim with that but it wasn’t just a threat, it really was a possibility if Sandburg didn’t get his act together. 

Sandburg remained quiet, which was very unlike the young man. His furious eyes glared at Simon from under knitted brows. Simon saw his fingers twitch and he guessed that Sandburg wanted to reach up and unclip his ID and throw it at Simon but then he turned to look at Jim. Simon did, too, and despite the stone face he saw the shock and what looked like – fear – in Jim’s eyes. Jim needs him, he thought with surprise although, intellectually he’d already known that. He’d just never fully realized how deep that need truly went. He wondered if Blair understood that and he looked back him. 

“ **Fine** ,” Blair spat out and then turned and left Simon’s office but Simon still felt relief because despite his anger, Blair had agreed for Jim’s sake alone. Simon watched as Sandburg grabbed his things, not bothering to notice how everyone stepped back to let him pass as he practically flew out the door. 

Simon sighed and then pulled off his glasses and ran a hand over his face. He glanced back out into the bullpen and saw that everyone was still standing around as though in shock.

“What are all you looking at? Get back to work!” Simon bellowed in the wake of Sandburg’s departure and then practically slammed his door shut again. He was so pissed off at how that conversation had gone he couldn’t speak for a moment. He turned to look at Jim and felt immediate remorse. “Jim…”

“No, you were right, Simon. If he won’t talk to me he has to talk to someone else. Just, please, don’t pull his pass…”

Simon ran a frustrated hand over his face. “Never planned on it, Jim, but the boy needs help. You were right and now that I’m finally looking, it’s obvious someone hurt him, someone he couldn’t fight off. Jim,” Simon said tentatively, hating to bring this up but Jim was a detective, he had to have thought of this already. “You said he had bruises on him. Could he have been assaulted…uh, sexually?”

Jim looked like all the blood had drained from his face and Simon raised a hand towards his friend but then something changed in him, both physically and mentally. It looked like Jim kind of crouched, as though ready to spring. 

“I’ve got to go,” Jim said as he shot towards the door. He stopped as he reached it and turned back to Simon. “The case…?”

“Go find him, Jim. You can catch up with us later.”

Jim spared Simon a grateful glance and then he was running out of the bullpen. Simon watched him go and then found himself praying, not only for Sandburg but for Jim, too. Both men were going to need him and he was determined to stand by them both no matter what happened in the coming days.


	11. Chapter 11

“The strength of a man’s virtue should not be measured by his special exertions, but by his habitual acts.” – Blaise Pascal, _Penseés_ , 1670

Jim tried the loft first, stopping outside and listening but knew within moments that Blair wasn’t around. He was about to pull away when he saw Jeannette Murphy wave at him. He gave a half-hearted wave to his neighbor, a recent widow with two children, her son Paul and daughter Rebecca, and started to put the truck in reverse when she began to walk towards him. Jim groaned to himself, he really didn’t have time to chat but something Blair had recently said suddenly rang through his head as he watched Mrs. Murphy approach. 

One night while making dinner after an intense case they’d been talking about the impulses that drive people to commit crimes. Naturally, Blair had gone into lecture mode and Jim had listened with only half an ear, or so he thought. The fact that some of Blair’s words immediately came to mind now implied that he’d been listening more than he’d realized and he smiled. That night Blair had been going on about the criminals they caught and how they weren’t citizens. He started talking about how someone who didn’t have fellow-feeling for other men, who didn’t share in their joys and sorrows, who didn’t empathize with others when they were in pain or were happy, isn’t a citizen of any society. (Note below) So, to Blair, those who committed crimes never learned to bond with others and, therefore, never took on the reins of responsibility for their fellow man which allowed them to commit the crimes they did. He then went on to say that, regardless of their failure to become a part of society, it wasn’t an excuse and it didn’t mean the scumbags didn’t deserve jail time for their crimes. Jim’s only response was to laugh. 

Blair may have had an unusual upbringing, but that was something Naomi had definitely done right. To Jim’s way of thinking, Blair epitomized the title of ‘citizen’, using his discourse as a definition, which made him quite a guy, in Jim’s opinion. 

Jim could honestly say that he’d never really considered true empathy, or the lack thereof, in a person before he’d met Blair. Most people tended to be sympathetic but didn’t really _feel_ another’s emotions, not like Blair did. But he was sure that if you looked up the definition of empathy, Blair Sandburg would be listed. Jim had the fleeting thought that maybe that’s what made Blair so incredibly suited to be his Guide. He shrugged minutely thinking that maybe he’d throw that at Blair one day when he was going on about tests and let him figure out a way to test himself. Of course, knowing Sandburg, that would turn around and bite _him_ in the ass when Blair figured out some way to test the two of them together. Jim sighed ruefully as Mrs. Murphy continued her approach. 

Blair was certainly unique but he always made an impact on people, always quite positive once you got passed the initial annoyance, so it wouldn’t hurt to follow in his footsteps a bit as one of those Blair-influenced people came closer. With that thought in mind he pasted a smile on his face, making sure that no sign of his impatience was visible. As it turned out, Mrs. Murphy was just looking for Blair to thank him for settling the fight between Paul and his friend, Tommy. It seemed the two boys had been at odds for a while but Blair had somehow fixed things. Naturally.

“He is such a good man,” Jeannette said almost wistfully and Jim felt a small twinge of jealousy at the tone of her voice. Jeannette looked down then, as though trying to decide if she should say something. Jim’s only thought was that he wished she’d hurry up and say what she wanted because he really needed to find Blair. Jeannette looked up at that moment and he was surprised to see what looked like trepidation on her face as well as something that Jim could only identify as hope. 

“He is a good man,” Jim agreed hurriedly hoping that she was done. “One of the best.”

“Yes,” Jeannette said with a slight smile and then a nervous laugh. “You know, Blair and I’ve talked and I’m going to tell you something right now – you’d be a fool to let him get away from you.”

Jim coughed a bit as the color began to crawl up his face. He really didn’t have time for this. “Mrs. Murphy –” he began but she cut him off. 

“Please. It’s just that there’s something going on and I think you are the only one who can help him. Just – let him know how you feel. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. So, now that I’ve said that, I’ll let you go. Please give my thanks to Blair. Bye.” 

And with that, Jeannette stepped away from the truck and walked away rather quickly leaving Jim sitting there with a stunned expression. What? How did she –? Jim thought he’d kept his feeling pretty well hidden but if Jeannette Murphy had picked up on how he felt about his roommate, had Blair done so as well? Jim ran a hand over his face. That was definitely something he’d have to deal with later. Right now he needed to find Blair. 

As he drove towards the university, it struck Jim as typical of Blair to step in for something as simple as a boys’ scuffle regardless of what was going on in his life. Blair always put others’ needs before his own and never failed to step up to the plate to help when he could. It was just one of the many things Jim admired about his friend. Yup, his friend – the ‘citizen’.

As soon as Jim got to Rainier, he was relieved to hear the faint sound of his friend’s heartbeat. He parked his truck and walked up to Blair’s office. He had no idea what he was going to say but he was going to make damn sure that Blair knew he was there for him, no matter what.

He heard voices in Blair’s office as he entered the building. Blair was talking to a student by the sound of things which meant he’d have to wait. He listened in for a bit to try and gauge how long the conversation might last. Apparently, the student was having a personal problem and had asked Blair for help. Jim smiled slightly. A friendly ear when someone needed it, always there to lend a hand to his friends, students, and even their neighbors and their kids. He was always ready and willing to help everyone else but Jim just wished he’d ask for help for himself. Yeah, right, he thought with a sigh. Sounds like Blair just took a page out of your own book. So, following that logic, he needed to fill Blair’s role which was to help whether it was asked for or not. With a smile, he figured he could do that.

Jim ran a hand over his head and listened in again. It sounded like the discussion was at an end and a moment later the door opened and a young woman walked out. As she cleared the doorway he stepped up to the still open door and tapped lightly. Blair looked up and Jim saw a brief flash of grief cross his friend’s face before he turned away. Jim took a deep breath and then stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

~*~*~

 _Oh, man, I should’ve known he’d come here…_ Blair thought desperately. He so needed to be alone right now but it looked as though the gods were conspiring against him. He almost laughed then because he realized it wasn’t as though they conspired against them, it was more like they’d totally abandoned him.

“Never a moment’s peace, even during non-office hours, huh, Chief?” Jim said in a teasing tone and Blair knew he was referring to himself as much as the student who’d just left. 

Blair shrugged but remained silent. After a bit he turned around but kept what he was feeling hidden behind a serene blank mask. “I’m sorry I left the station like I did. I needed to just get away. Paula saw me and stopped to ask a question but I’m done here. I’m still free for the stakeout tonight.”

Jim nodded. “Simon says he’s got it covered. Look, we need to talk, Blair,” Jim said quietly, but Blair shook his head.

“I can’t, Jim. Not yet, but…I need to apologize, to both you and Simon. I was out of line and I will talk to someone. It’s just that things have been a bit crazy lately, between classes and…and everything…”

“Blair,” Jim said as he stepped further into the room. “Can you please just be honest with me? I know something happened to you…something bad. But I’m your friend, Blair. Please let me help.” 

“I can’t, Jim…” Blair choked out but then took a deep breath. “Please, just… Give me some space, man…”

“All I’ve done is give you space and it’s not helping!” Jim growled and took another step forward but Blair hurriedly backed away without thought. It was then he saw Jim’s shocked reaction.

“Blair, come on! Right now I think you’re actually afraid of me, like you were at that stakeout. Do you really think I’d hurt you? I’d never do that!” Jim held one hand out. “You **have** to know that, right?” 

Blair closed his eyes in a pained grimace. He knew Jim wouldn’t hurt him but he’d reacted that way just the same. He had to be losing his mind! He took a breath that was more like a sob but he hardened himself. No matter what he did it didn’t seem to be helping. Simon was already pissed at him for that botched stakeout and now because of that fight he had to get some professional help. Man, why didn’t he go to his friend like he’d counseled Scott? He really was worthless and now Jim thought he was afraid of him. Gods above, he was so fucked up and he was fucking up so badly and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. It was like he was caught on an out-of-control ice sled, streaking head-first into a cold, dark tunnel and he knew, he just knew he was going to crash any minute… Blair’s breath caught on another hard lump in his chest but then he felt the touch of a large hand. Jim had come up behind him and had gently laid a hand on his shoulder. He started at the contact but forced himself to be still, to accept the touch of the man behind him, telling himself over and over that this was Jim, his friend and not anyone else. He trembled slightly but then breathed in deeply and then just as suddenly as the tremor had gone through him, it was gone. All he could feel now was the warmth of that hand on his shoulder and the heat emanating from the solid strength behind him. 

“Please, Blair. I’m begging you, here. Please let me help –!” Jim whispered desperately. Blair dropped his head. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and just lay it all on Jim, let Jim fix everything because he sure as hell couldn’t seem to get it right but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

“Jim, I know what you’re thinking, okay? I know what you see when you look at me. Blair Sandburg, pathetic loser, wimp… I just need is a little more time, is all.”

“Actually, Chief, you couldn’t have it more wrong…” Jim paused but then continued. “What I see is a truly good man, no doubt the best man I’ve ever met in my life. Blair, I’ve never known anyone more loyal or with stronger moral convictions than you and I’m damn lucky to have you at my side and watching my back. You’re honest and despite all the weird stuff you spout sometimes, you’re one of the wisest men I know. Probably all that traveling and reading you do, your mind running a thousand miles a minute even in your downtime. Jeez, Blair, your energy alone puts a lot of other men to shame, me included.”

Blair’s eyes widened at the unaccustomed sentiment. “Jim…” Blair began but Jim moved his hand from Blair’s shoulder and put it across his mouth.

“Blair, let me finish this because I doubt I’ll ever so this again,” Jim said desperately with a small pained laugh. Blair heard him take a deep breath as though readying himself for some monumental task and he almost laughed because every fiber of his body was telling him Jim was about to _talk_. “That fact is that you are probably the bravest man I know. Who else would have faced his own fear of heights just because I needed it? What other untrained pacifist would have followed me into some of the violent situations we face just to watch my back and make sure I don’t zone? Who else would have stood up to the Sunshine Patriots like you did? No one else that I know of, that’s for sure.” Jim moved his hand back to Blair’s shoulder. It felt warm and strong but so tender it almost made his teeth ache and he leaned into it and felt rewarded when Jim lifted his other hand and placed it on Blair’s other shoulder as he continued. 

“I was stopped by Jeannette Murphy today. She wanted to thank you for stopping that fight and for salvaging her son’s friendship with that other boy,” Jim said and then leaned forward into Blair’s peripheral vision. He could see that Jim was looking at his profile. He wanted to duck away but forced himself to stillness.

“They were just scuffling… It wasn’t serious…” Blair whispered, his eyes darting to the side to look at Jim in confusion.

“Well, it was serious to them. You helped them just like you helped that student earlier. Whether you realize it or not, Blair, you influence a lot of people…”

Blair grimaced as a flash of shame and anger coursed through him. “Yeah, like down at the PD. I influenced the hell out of those jerks from Vice…” Blair said, the thought leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

Jim laughed at that. “Bet that was a real eye-opener for them…”

Blair closed his eyes, Jim’s low laugh felt like a knife in his heart. He shook his head sadly. “See, that’s just it, Jim. No one sees me as an adult let alone a man, someone they thought would actually stand up for himself. They never would’ve made those comments to you!”

Then Jim apparently decided he’d had enough of speaking to the back of Blair’s head because Blair felt himself being turned around although he kept his hands on Blair’s shoulders. Even though Blair kept his head down, Jim kept on speaking.

“Buddy, you know that idiots are going to make comments based on their own prejudices and narrow-minded views no matter what. If they think you’re an easy target just because of the way you look or your size, then they’re even bigger idiots. I just wish I could’ve been there to see you prove those assholes wrong. It would’ve been great.” Blair looked up in astonishment, the shard of pain easing at the look of pride on Jim’s face. “Size or looks don’t determine a person’s capability and they sure as hell don’t make a person a man and you, with all your studying and experience, know that more than anyone. Christ, Chief, some of those manhood rituals you’ve told me about really made my balls want to crawl up inside of me. Physical size doesn’t have anything to do with it because I gotta tell you, I don’t think I’d be able to get through most of those. Especially that one about the Australian Aborigines and circumcision…” Jim gave a real shudder that brought a small, sad smile to Blair’s face, but apparently Jim wasn’t done, yet. 

“The point I’m trying to make here is something you know damn well: size doesn’t determine if you’re a good man or even if you’re a man at all. It’s what’s inside of you that counts, right? It’s how you live your life, taking responsibility, honesty, integrity – all those things that earn respect. You’ve got all that in spades.” Jim said, sounding almost tired which wasn’t surprising. This was the longest, most heartfelt speech he’d ever heard Jim make. “But in the long run,” Jim continued, “the opinions of idiots like those Vice guys don’t matter. What matters is how you see yourself and how your friends see you. While I can’t speak for Simon or Joel or anyone else at the office or for any of the probably hundreds of people you have positively influenced, I can speak for myself. When I look at you, I see a good man, one that I both respect and care for. You’re a man I’m proud to call my friend. But I gotta tell you, buddy, I also see a man who’s in a lot of pain so I’m asking again, please let me help.”

Blair took a deep shuddering breath, both amazed and shocked at Jim’s words. It was too bad he was so wrong. Jim thought he was brave? He respected him? It was only because he didn’t know what they did – or how he’d caved… Blair felt his stomach twist and he wanted to puke at the memory of how he’d given in, stopped fighting, let them…

Blair felt the hands tighten on his shoulders and then, all at once, the walls he’d built around himself started to crash down. He tried to pull back. “Jim, don’t, man. I’m gonna lose it here…” he begged desperately.

“Then lose it – maybe you need to…”

Blair grimaced and a tear escaped. “Yeah, like you do?”

“Don’t use me as an example. I have it on good authority that I’m a repressed asshole.”

Blair almost laughed but it came out as a sob and another tear escaped instead. “Y-you’re not **a-always** an asshole…” he choked out in an attempt at humor.

Jim gave him a sad smile and pulled him closer – and Blair finally let him. But whether it was due to Jim’s words or if he was giving in to his despair, Blair didn’t know. It was all just too much. With a gasping breath he reached up and grabbed Jim’s shirt in his fists and then buried his face in Jim’s chest as a sob was ripped out of him. He felt the strong arms he’d needed desperately every night since this happened close gently around him and he lost his last semblance of control and even though he hated himself for the weakness, he just couldn’t hold on any longer.

“I’m here, Blair, I’m not letting you go, no matter what. I’m here, buddy…” he heard Jim say as strong arms tightened around him. He could feel himself shaking as Jim repeated the same things over and over in a low litany as he ran his hands over his back and head. Somehow Jim got them both over to the couch where they sank down, arms still tightly wrapped around one another as Blair cried harder than he ever had in his life. 

“I’ve got you, buddy, go ahead and let it out. I’m not going anywhere, I swear it –” Jim continued.

After what seemed like hours later to Blair, his tears dried up and his breaths finally calmed. Shamed at his tears, he looked up from the sodden mess of Jim’s shirt and his eyes widened to see the streaks of tears down Jim’s face as he looked down at Blair with grief plain on his face. Blair raised a finger to Jim’s face and touched the moisture, still in wonder that Jim had cried – over him.

“It shouldn’t come as a surprise to know that I care about you, Blair. I knew there was something wrong but it took me too long to get here, to this point with you, and I’m so sorry about that. But I want to help. Would you let me? Please?”

Blair dropped his eyes in shame. Jim was his friend. He’d always been his friend even if, in Blair’s dreams, he wanted him to be more. “I’m sorry…” he whispered painfully.

“Sorry? For what, Chief?” Jim asked as he wiped at Blair’s tears with a gentle finger. Jim reached over his head to the side table and grabbed some tissues from the box there and was about to wipe Blair’s face but he couldn’t let him do that. It was too much so he took them out of Jim’s hand with a grimace.

Blair wiped his face with the tissue, not wanting Jim to deal with the gross mess he’d just made and then sighed. “I don’t know if I can tell you yet.” He felt the strong arms tighten around him and he wanted nothing more than to burrow deeper into the embrace.

“You don’t have to tell me unless you want to – and then only when you’re ready. But you need to talk to someone, Chief. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what,” Jim stated as fact.

“Okay,” Blair said in a whispered breath. His eyes closed without volition and his head dipped lower into Jim’s chest. He was exhausted and Jim’s arms felt wonderful but he needed to get up, Jim shouldn’t have to cradle him like a baby and they still had that stakeout…

“Easy, Chief. Let’s just relax here for a bit, okay?”

“But the stakeout –?” Blair asked, desperately trying to lift his head against the lassitude that had invaded his whole body.

“It’s still early, we’ve got time. Trust me,” Jim whispered. Blair felt a large hand cup the back of his head and pull him closer to Jim’s broad chest. Blair felt that he shouldn’t give in so easily but Jim felt so good and he was so tired. Besides, he _did_ trust Jim, trusted Jim more than he’d ever trusted anyone in his life. Jim was his friend, his Sentinel, his love… 

“Always, Jim,” Blair said and he succumbed to the pressure of the large, warm hand on his head. He cuddled in closer and closed his eyes. _Not cuddling…getting comfortable…_ he told himself as sleep easily claimed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Allen, R. T., _The Education of Autonomous Man_ , Guildford, Ashgate, 1992


	12. Chapter 12

“Awakening is the process of overcoming your false self and discovering your True Self. It begins when you decide to grab the tiger by the tail and ends with the tiger tenderly licking the sweat off your brow and face.” – Steve Baxter

 

Jim ran his hand lightly over the stubble on Blair’s head as he stared off into space. His Guide’s heart beat out a steady rhythm and his breaths were even but a minor twitch, undetectable by anyone other than a Sentinel, let Jim know that something was changing. A moment later Blair’s heart rate increased and his breathing stuttered slightly. Minor twitches became more pronounced and Jim knew that Blair was having a nightmare. He could smell the scent of fear gathering on Blair’s skin and knew he needed to stop this now. He moved his hand down to run over Blair’s shoulder and whispered, “Shh, easy, Blair. It’s just a dream…”

~*~*~

_He was caught in a blue jungle which had an odd, surreal feel to it although it seemed familiar somehow. He tried to walk forward but he was lost. The growth around him was so thick that it obscured any semblance of a path. He turned around and around but there was no evidence of his passage, nothing to indicate how he’d gotten to that point. He could feel panic curling in his chest as he stared at the tall trees to one side looming over him, their very height making him feel small and insignificant. How was he going to get through? He knew that he was incapable of battling his way through the stand of trees but he was so lost now he feared trying to go around. He turned around and the growth behind him, which was once thick with vines began to change. He saw the vines begin to twist and thicken as they grew into more trees, their girth widening and the bark becoming thick and strong. The wind rose from nowhere, making the branches sway and the leaves shift, forming a noise like a low, hissing murmur that rose from twisted, twining shoots, whispering dark and vile threats and promises. The trees continued to grow, their height looming over him, more vines growing, streaming off the branches, bearing down on him like long-taloned fingers moving over him, touching, petting, shaking, hurting…_

Blair felt the shaking and his eyes shot open. He heard Jim’s voice saying something over and over and, after a bit, it started to make sense.

“Branches…” he gasped.

“Blair, it was a nightmare, a dream. You’re alright. I’m here, I’ve got you…” 

“Jim…” 

“I’ve got you, buddy. It was just a dream.”

Blair closed his eyes again, trying to get himself under control. When he reopened them he looked down at his hands which were clutching Jim’s shirt. 

“Sorry,” he murmured but Jim just tightened his arms around him in response.

“Don’t say sorry, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Jim said quietly. He ran his hand up and down Blair’s arm as though reassuring himself that Blair was alright. “Can you talk about the dream?” he asked hopefully.

Blair looked up into Jim’s sky-blue eyes. He saw not only the deep sadness but the outright pain in them and his heart gave a lurch. Jim was hurting for him.

“There’s no weakness in accepting help when you need it, Blair,” Jim whispered. “You taught me that. Without you I’d have been either locked up somewhere or dead by now…”

Blair dropped his eyes and focused on a button on Jim’s shirt, stroking it lightly with a finger. He was so torn. He needed to tell someone and who else if not Jim? He trusted Jim with everything that he was and he’d always been there whenever he needed help. He had to trust him with this, too.

~*~*~

“Damnit!” Gerald Messing screamed as he slammed down the phone. One of his men, a member of his team, had just been arrested for rape. He ran a frustrated hand through his thin hair. His shipment was scheduled to come in the next night. He thought it was going to be alright, that last rape had been downtown and everything had been quiet on the docks but instead now there were cops crawling all over the place. Fortunately, though, they were concentrating on the east side, close to his office and not over in the old section where his shipment was due to come in.

While he was sure the heat would be off when he needed it, he had no guarantee that fucker Kalinski would keep his mouth shut. He’d probably try to cut a deal. He looked at his watch. He decided it would be safer to bring the shipment in a day early, no one would expect that. To make sure, though, he’d need a distraction to keep the cops away not to mention that he also needed to make sure Darryl Kalinski kept quiet about how he’d been earning his keep over the last few months. He could do this and it would cost him but he had no choice. He reached for the phone.

~*~*~

Jim watched the expressions fly across Blair’s face and prayed that Blair would trust him. When Blair turned away he felt his heart clench but then Blair turned back although he still didn’t raise his eyes.

“They were big…” Blair said in a pained whisper. 

Jim remained silent for a bit although he kept up the soothing strokes across Blair’s arms and back. 

“How many?” Jim asked in an encouraging tone.

“Three…”

Jim couldn’t help but tighten his arms even more around Blair at the thought of three large men hurting him and he ground his teeth together hard to keep any more of the tension he was feeling from traveling to his hands or his body. He needed Blair to feel comfortable enough to tell his story without shutting down because of how the telling was affecting _him_ … It took a while but Blair finally told Jim what he remembered of that night. Through it all Jim kept up the comforting strokes and gentle touches, even when Blair related finding the cut sections of his hair and how his hair-stylist friend had only the one option. Only then did Jim realize that Blair had been the victim of the same serial rapist Vice was after, the trophy-taking rapist. He looked down in sorrow at the loss of those gorgeous curls but remained quiet fearing any sound from him would stop the flow of words. Finally, when Blair’s voice faded into silence, he looked at Blair’s face. Blair’s eyes remained lowered as he nervously fiddled with the button of his shirt. He gently covered the shaking hand with his own.

“Blair…” Jim choked out, too many emotions crowding together to put a name to any single one.

Blair finally looked up. “Jim…man, how can you bear to look at me? I gave in – didn’t fight hard enough and…and I did what they told me to…” Blair said as though he’d expected disgust or derision which was so damned far from what Jim was feeling. Jim stilled the hand that threatened to rip the button off his shirt and he prayed that Jeannette Murphy was right.

“You did what you needed to survive. You were drugged, beaten, outnumbered… You have nothing to be ashamed of. God, Blair, what I can’t bear is the thought that I could have lost you – lost you before I ever had a chance to tell you what you mean to me…” 

That statement had Blair looking back at Jim in astonishment as Jim’s hand tightened on his. He shook his head in denial, as if disbelieving the words Jim was saying. “No man, you can’t… Not after all this time and not…not after what they did…” he said in a pained whisper.

“What they did has nothing to do with how I feel about you,” Jim said, determination supplanting the fear he’d felt a moment before but doing nothing to diminish the love he was finally unafraid to let show. “Blair, I should have told you before now and I swear we’ll talk all about it later, but please believe that I love you…I’m in love with you and have been for a while but whether or not you’re up to loving me back, I’m still here for the long-haul,” Jim said, pausing as his own emotions started becoming too much. He looked into the deep blue of Blair’s eyes, as though he could will Blair to believe the words he was saying. “You said once that it’s all about friendship. Well, I’m your friend, Blair, and nothing’s ever going to change that. Whatever you need…” Jim gritted out, his arms tightening around Blair just as his throat tightened both in fear that Blair would push him away or, worse, that Blair really didn’t feel that way about him and he’d just ruined the best relationship of his life with his admission.

“Oh, God, Jim,” Blair said with a sob. “Why? Why now after all this shit happened?” Tears again streamed down his face and he started to shake. Jim heard his heart rate start to climb and saw what looked like the beginning of a panic attack – one he’d caused.

Jim was mortified at Blair’s reaction to his words. He shouldn’t have opened his fucking mouth. Blair… Jesus, what had he done? “I’m sorry,” he gasped and physically pulled back not wanting to make matters worse with a potential flashback. He tried to lever himself up to give Blair some space but Blair shocked him by stopping him, locking his hands around his biceps.

“ ** _Stop_**!” Blair almost shouted. “Jim, it’s just… I love you, too – God, how I love you but, man, after everything that’s happened… You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for. I’m – I’m a **mess** …!”

Jim stopped breathing for a moment as relief flooded through him. _Blair loves me, too!_ He smiled in relief. “Oh, I know. Trust me, Chief, I know, but you’re **my** mess,” he said sincerely. He carefully put his hands on Blair’s shoulders. “Okay?” he asked and at Blair’s nod, he so very carefully pulled Blair towards him. Slowly, he buried his face in Blair’s neck. “Just like I’m yours…” he breathed out which elicited a choked laugh and he pulled back long enough to claim Blair’s mouth with his own in the gentlest manner he could and then smiled when Blair decided it wasn’t good enough and latched on with a fierce claiming of his own that made Jim’s heart sing out in joy. In that moment he knew they had a chance.

~*~*~

“Any word on the streets about the shipment still coming in?” Simon asked Joel when they’d gotten word that Vice had busted their suspected serial rapist down on the docks. He was concerned that the activity would scare off their arms dealers.

“As far as we can tell it’s still a go two nights from now. I spoke with Yates, he had the same concern but there’s a good chance this’ll actually make things settle down even more now that the locals know the rapist is off the streets.” 

Simon nodded, grateful that at least one thing seemed to be going right. He was glad for Yates’ case being closed but he’d be happier still if they could get a handle on their own case. “How’d they get their guy?” he asked.

Joel smiled. “It seems the word that’s been put out for the locals to be careful worked this time and the workers were traveling in pairs. When the victim realized that she’d left her keys on her desk she called out to a friend that she was going back into the office. Her friend, who was being picked up by her husband, decided they should follow her back in. That’s when they saw the suspect attack. The husband jumped on the guy while the wife called 911.”

“Brave…the husband alright?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Joel answered with a laugh. “The suspect was jumped by none other than Cascade Dockworker’s Union No. 395’s amateur arm wrestling champ,” he added, pausing for Simon’s bark of laughter. “You’ll probably hear all about it on the news tonight.”

“Wait. You said you talked to Yates. How’s he taking that?” Simon wondered since Yates couldn’t exactly crow about his boys solving the case and taking the collar since a civilian had actually taken the man down. Hell, Simon was pretty sure Yates would have gotten an earful from the Chief about it taking a local citizen to step up to the plate since the police couldn’t solve the crime. He could honestly say he didn’t envy Yates on this one.

“Let’s just say that he’s sticking to the politically correct line about the important thing being that the suspect is off the street,” Joel answered with a chuckle.

Simon gave a low chuckle of his own. “I’ll just bet he is although he is right about getting the guy off the street.”

“That’s true, Simon,” Joel agreed. “It doesn’t matter how we catch these guys as long as they’re caught. At any rate, they found a whole slew of the guy’s trophies stashed at his place, more than the number of rapes reported locally. They’re tracing his whereabouts and checking into unsolved rapes at his previous locales now.”

Simon gave a satisfied nod. “Well, I’ll tell you, I’d be happy to take any help we can get if we can stop this shipment coming in, so let’s talk about this stakeout tonight.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more…” – William Shakespeare, _King Henry V_

Blair forced himself to pull away from the sweet mouth covering his. It felt so good, so comforting. He couldn’t believe that he was finally here, with Jim in his arms – and that he wasn’t freaking out – well, not anymore, at least. So was it because Jim was his Sentinel? While that thought was cool, he realized that he hoped that wasn’t it. He wanted it to be a Jim/Blair thing and not a Sentinel/Guide thing. But how would he know the difference? Was there a difference? He almost let himself get involved in that idea but purposefully put the brakes on knowing that it was a self-defense mechanism to keep him from thinking about more potentially heartbreaking issues and now was so not the time to go there. There was too much to do and there was a long, hard road ahead of them still, but he had to believe that it would get better – especially now with Jim at his side. That thought sent warm tendrils skittering through his chest. It might not be all hearts and roses from this point on, but he wouldn’t be handling any of it alone, he thought with relief which was then followed by an immediate feeling of shame that he couldn’t handle this alone. God, he was so fucked up. 

Okay, deep breath, think of the positives: number one being that you _are_ with Jim now. The next was that all of his tests had come back negative although he still had more tests ahead of him unless they caught these bastards and they tested negative. Jim said he’d make damn sure they’d know, one way or the other, and then he reassured Blair that no matter what, he would never leave Blair’s side. That vow meant everything to Blair but he wasn’t a fool. He’d almost had a panic attack even in Jim’s arms. Fortunately, Jim had become aware of it and had pulled back. Oh, yeah, this was going to be the longest, fucking hardest road of his life but every journey began with taking that first step.

“Guess we can’t stay here forever.” 

“Well, we could but I’ve got to be honest with you, Chief, I can think of comfier places for the two of us than this couch.”

Blair gave Jim a faint smile. “Already trying to get me into your bed?” he asked jokingly but then his smile quickly faded as apprehension filled him. What if he couldn’t ever give Jim what he needed? He did a quick check and knew that Little Blair hadn’t had even the remotest interest in his current physical location. He didn’t even want to look down or shift enough to know if Little Jim did. Fuck, he felt like crying again.

“Hey, partner, I’m not asking for any more than you’re willing to give and, right now, I want to take this real slow, too, okay?” Jim said as though he’d read Blair’s mind.

Blair looked searchingly into Jim’s eyes and prayed that Jim was telling the truth and not just saying what he thought he needed to hear. That Jim had feelings beyond friendship for him at all was a shock. That he seemed so comfortable with the idea of it implied he’d known of his feelings for a while. That he didn’t seem freaked out over it meant that the idea of man-on-man action was not new – another shock. “Have you ever –?” Blair started to ask but faltered.

“Yeah, Chief, I have although it’s been a long time.” Jim paused and looked down at Blair’s face. “Blair, this wasn’t… I mean before all this, have you ever…?” he tried to ask but faltered, fear plain in his sky blue eyes.

Blair gave him a faint but reassuring smile of understanding. “Yeah, but it’s been awhile for me, too…” It hadn’t taken long, but he’d given up on men a short while after moving in with Jim. Deep in his heart he’d known then that if he couldn’t have Jim, no other man would do. He was relieved when he felt a tiny amount of tension leave Jim’s body and he was glad that he was able to truthfully ease that worry. Still, his heart gave a little lurch at the thought of such a violent act being any man’s first experience with another man and then forced the thought away. He couldn’t think about that right now. “What about the stakeout?”

Jim placed a soft kiss on Blair’s temple. “Simon cleared us from the stakeout but I still need to check in,” he said softly as he ran his finger down Blair’s cheek. 

Blair nodded and reluctantly extricated himself from Jim’s arms. He sat up, his forearms resting on his thighs, shoulders slumped and head bowed. He knew he should move but his body wasn’t listening. He was completely exhausted and despite the wonderful thing that had just happened between him and Jim, he still felt totally depressed. He watched as Jim pulled himself upright. He draped his arm across Blair’s shoulder as he pulled out his cell phone. Blair didn’t pay much attention to the phone call until he felt Jim stiffen beside him and drop his arm. Only then did he listen.

“Just one?” Jim asked and then paused with a look at Blair. “Well, there’s a possibility that there could be as many as…three…”

It was Blair’s turn to stiffen. Oh, God…were they talking about him? Does that mean that Simon already knew? But how? They must have arrested one of them but he couldn’t – no, he couldn’t _testify_!

“Look, Simon, I don’t want to talk about this over the phone… Yeah, we’ll be there in 30.”

“Jim! NO! I can’t.”

Jim grabbed Blair by the arms and then immediately released him as though afraid of Blair’s reaction. _Learned the hard way…_ Blair thought to himself with a nearly panicked sob. 

“Honey, please listen. You don’t have to go with me. I can take you back to the loft first but I have to go in. I promise I won’t tell Simon anything. You say as much or as little as you want, to whomever you want, okay? The way I look at it, you don’t need to come forward at all if you don’t want to. They already have at least three other victims that could testify when they get those bastards in court. Right now I just think they need to know that there were three rapists, not one. Other people could still be in danger.”

Blair settled when Jim placed his hands on his shoulders but when he listened to what Jim was saying, he remained frozen in shock. Jim, the quintessential officer of the law, was telling him he didn’t need to make a statement despite being a victim, too. He shook his head, unable to correlate what Jim was saying with the Jim he thought he knew. But, when you considered that Jim was again trying to protect him, maybe his statements weren’t too far out in left field. Blair tilted his head in bemused wonder. Jim was being protective again only this time it didn’t bother him. And all it took was a few kisses. Go figure. And not only that…

“You called me ‘honey’,” Blair said and rolled the word around in his head, noting with pleasure that it didn’t raise any issues or concerns with his masculinity. It simply was what Jim intended it to be: an intimate endearment. Jim stared at him, uncertainty in his face in case he’d overstepped whatever boundaries Blair might have now.

“I did. Is that okay?”

“Sure… **babe** …” Blair answered tentatively and then grinned with Jim laughed. However, he sobered quickly as a decision formed in his gut. He didn’t want to, but knew he had no choice. “I want to go with you to the station. I – I want to see this guy for myself…” Blair said faintly amazing himself with the decision. After days of just wanting everything to disappear, here he was, saying he wanted to look his rapist in the face. Something inside of him knew, though, that if he didn’t, he’d never truly heal.

Jim looked at him for a moment and Blair sensed his hesitancy. “It’s my decision, Jim. I’m going with you.”

“Alright, then,” Jim said, accepting Blair’s decision as he grabbed Blair’s backpack. “Let’s do this.”

~*~*~

By the time Jim and Blair reached the station, the building was in lock-down. It wasn’t until they made it up to Major Crimes that they learned that someone had killed Vice’s rape suspect. Unfortunately, the hit man had also been killed while attempting to escape so they had no way of learning who’d sent him.

Later, Blair watched from the back of the room while Jim looked at the corpse. He was having a hard time reconciling the body on the table with his memories. He wasn’t sure what he expected but somehow he thought that something about the body would have triggered some type of recognition. He was still trying to decide if he was disappointed or relieved when he saw Jim bend down, obviously smelling something in Kalinski’s hair. He then looked down and picked up one of the corpse’s hands and studied the fingers. As always, concern for his Sentinel made Blair step forward and lightly place a hand on Jim’s back. While not saying anything, the slight lessening of tension across the shoulders let Blair know that his touch was welcome and appreciated. 

Rather than look at the body in front of him, Blair looked at the chart with the ME’s notes. He frowned as he read the numbers and annotations. Darryl Kalinski was 5’9”. That couldn’t be, Blair thought. He was sure each of his attackers was much larger than him.

“Jim…” Blair hissed and grabbed Jim’s arm.

“Yeah, buddy. Come on,” Jim said and then pointed out some minute traces of something under the dead man’s fingernails. He then asked the ME to have Kalinski’s hair, hands, and clothes tested for explosive residue and then he and Blair moved out into the hallway. 

“Jim, he wasn’t one of them,” Blair stated as soon as they were alone.

Jim looked around to make sure no one else could hear them and then looked down at Blair. “You’re sure?” he asked.

“You saw how tall he was? Kalinski was only about two inches taller than me. Those guys that night – they were all at least as tall as you,” Blair said in a tight voice. “Didn’t we hear that they found his stash of trophies? That doesn’t make sense unless he wasn’t with them that night.”

“Blair, can you be mistaken about the size of those three? You were drugged,” Jim asked tentatively and literally cringed when Blair turned furious eyes on him.

“No, Jim. That was the only thing I could do while they were…” Blair turned away for a moment but then turned back, still angry. “I couldn’t fight them but I tried to memorize everything I could about them. There are others doing the same thing – maybe a copycat gang out there.”

Jim ran a hand over his face but Blair saw the moment when he decided to believe him. 

“I believe you, Chief, but that’s not the only problem. I think I smelled C-4…”

“What? How can that be? Someone would have said something if they found explosives on him!”

“I don’t think he had them on him. The scent wasn’t strong enough for that. But he was handling it recently. I found some traces of explosives under his fingernails and I could smell it in his hair.”

“Could he be part of our other case?”

“That’d be a hell of a coincidence, Chief. Why bring such a high-risk person into a touchy deal like arms smuggling?”

“Maybe whoever’s in charge didn’t know about his sideline. I think we can verify it though. Joel talked about the chemical make-up of the explosives, Jim. He said it was some bad stuff. Think back to the scent in the warehouse before it blew…just close your eyes and remember the scent on those empty crates. Was the scent on Kalinski the same as the explosives we found in the warehouse?”

Jim closed his eyes, holding tightly to Blair’s biceps. Blair could tell that he was mentally comparing the two scents. After a bit he nodded and Blair knew they were the same. 

“Oh, man, this is just too weird,” Blair said, grateful to be able to concentrate on this puzzle and not on himself, not on the thought of some copycat. Maybe once word got out that Kalinski had been stopped, they’d stop what they were doing, too. Otherwise the police would focus on them and look for other victims. _No, no, don’t think about that! The case, man, think about the case._ “So, we need to find out where Kalinski’s been hanging out and then we can find the connection to the explosives –”

“Blair,” Jim said, slowly interrupting the flow of words. 

“What?” Blair asked at the tone in Jim’s voice. A suspicious foreboding began to grow in his chest.

“You realize that the copycats are connected somehow to Kalinski? They were using his MO; they might even be part of the same group of smugglers. Eventually we’re gonna get everyone involved in this. Blair, I don’t know if we’re going to be able to keep you out of it…”

Blair shut his eyes and turned away. He honestly didn’t want to think about this. “We don’t know if they worked together, they may not even know each other. Maybe they just heard about Kalinski somewhere,” he said desperately. “Didn’t they say that he’d been doing this in other cities? They didn’t have the whole MO right, the other victims were all women. Just the hair thing’s the same. There’s still a chance they’ll stop when word gets out that Kalinski is dead…”

Blair stopped his rambling to look up at Jim. He saw sorrow and regret in the features he loved and knew there was no way he was getting out of testifying when they found these guys. Blair figured Jim would prefer to just pick him up and carry away somewhere safe but Jim couldn’t do that – and he couldn’t let him.

“Blair…” Jim gasped in a pained voice, his hands warm on Blair’s shoulders but he stopped at Blair’s resigned sigh.

“No, Jim, I know, man. We’ve got to stop these guys – all of them,” Blair said. For him, Scott and who knew how many others. It had to stop. Blair straightened his shoulders determinedly. “I can’t let them hurt anyone else.” 

Jim smiled at him then and Blair easily saw respect and love in the warm gaze and he knew he’d made the right choice not only for him, but for Jim, too. He could do this.

Jim squeezed Blair’s shoulders and said, “Let’s go get ‘em, Chief.”


	14. Chapter 14

“There are risks and costs to inaction. But they are far less than the long range risk of comfortable inaction.” – John F. Kennedy

Blair sat at the computer in Simon’s office and watched the tape of Kalinski’s interrogation. Darryl Kalinski sat alone in the room, his hands cuffed together and then secured to the table in front of him which was fortunate because that one tie-down point seemed to be the only thing that was keeping him from twitching out of his chair. Blair chewed his lip as he stared at the man. While Blair had no doubt that the man he was staring at so intently was a violent man, he was positive he wasn’t one of the men who’d hurt him that night. He turned to look at Jim who was busy talking to the detective in charge while Simon and Captain Yates listened in.

“Do we know anything about the shooter, yet?” Yates asked.

“Local gun for hire. He works alone but I’ve got my people looking into who hired him. Nothing’s come up yet,” Simon answered.

“Thanks, Captain,” Detective Steven Peters said to Simon but then he turned to look at Jim. “I don’t know why you decided to look at Kalinski’s body in the first place, but that’s beside the point now. What made you ask the ME to run a test for residue?” 

“I told you, it’s just hearsay but I got word is that there was more than one perp doing these rapes. Yeah, I know,” Jim said, holding up his hand. Blair knew Peters was about to interrupt, probably to bitch Jim out for withholding information, but Jim continued. “I’d just gotten word about the rapes and I was bringing that straight to you. When I got in and heard he’d been shot, I just wanted to see if he matched the description I’d been given. When I got down to the morgue I thought I got a faint whiff of something familiar and then I saw something under his fingernails. It was just a hunch, that’s all. Now that the hunch has panned out, it connects Kalinski directly to our case which means that there’re two possible reasons for him to be killed. One, the smuggling group offed him so he couldn’t identify them. The second was maybe it was his rapist partners that put the hit out on him.”

“Okay, I can’t deny your first supposition but rape partners? Per our victims’ statements, they were grabbed from behind and dragged into a remote location where they were drugged. They didn’t say anything about any partners although I suppose it’s possible there could have been more once the women were drugged. Still, to risk a hit while he’s in the station wouldn’t come cheap… Any possible partner’s got to have something big to lose to even consider it. Arms smugglers sounds more like it than a group of rapists.”

Blair listened in knowing his experience varied quite a bit from what Peters was saying. The victims, all women, were grabbed and then drugged. Maybe it was different for him because he was a man, but it just didn’t seem right. He spared a glance at Jim but could see that something was still pinging Jim’s radar as well. 

“Maybe,” Jim said. “But what if the other rapists were also part of the smuggling ring?”

“Then they have to be the stupidest criminals in history if they think they can get away with both crimes without attracting any attention at all,” Captain Yates growled. The large man had remained quiet up until now. He’d spent the meeting glaring at Blair who had steadfastly ignored him. “I want to know who your victim is that’s claiming there were three rapists.”

“Jim,” Simon said in a low, steady voice and in it Blair could hear the suspicion about the identity of Jim’s victim. But Blair also knew he wasn’t going to say a word unless either Jim or he brought it up first. “What makes you think the rapes were similar?”

Blair looked at Jim but he didn’t return the glance. Jim wasn’t about to answer too much at this point because there wasn’t much more he could say without violating Blair’s need for privacy. _Looks like it’s time to shit or get off the pot_ , Blair told himself. 

“I think I know of someone else who’s been…raped…but I need to talk to them before I reveal their name,” Blair said quietly. He was looking out of the window as he spoke but then he turned towards Jim. “This person’s hair was cut – afterwards – but there were three sections taken. I don’t…I don’t think this person will want to come forward. I can ask.”

Jim looked at Blair and although there was no expression on his face, Blair could read his support in his eyes. Blair gave him a faint smile in return.

“Three cuts, three trophies… What about the rest of the MO? How were the women drugged?” Simon asked, pulling everyone’s attention away from Blair.

“All of the attacks took place in quiet areas,” Peters answered. “Except for this last attack on the dock, the other two took place in alleys. The attacker came on the women from behind and dragged them away. Then they got a needle to the neck. The suspect used a condom and no DNA trace was found. After he was done with the victims, he cut a section, a single section, of hair close to the scalp and then left. The MO matches the rapes from both Sterling and Culver, Kalinski’s last two locations.” 

“What about this other rape?” Yates asked and Blair wondered if his frown was a permanent fixture on his face.

“The drug was placed in the victim’s drink. When the victim went outside for some fresh air, they were attacked by more than one assailant, placed in a vehicle and driven to another location where the assault took place after which the trophies were taken. The victim was then left in a park, their belongings piled next to them,” Jim recited from Blair’s account.

Blair watched all the men in the room. They all remained silent for a moment but Peters kept his eyes on Jim. Finally he asked the inevitable question.

“I notice you keep referring to the victim as ‘the victim’, without any personal pronouns. Is there a reason for that, Detective Ellison?”

“That’s because the victim was male. He’s a student at Rainier University,” Blair said quietly, speaking for Jim. Blair kept his eyes on the computer screen, paused at the moment when the hit man, dressed in a cop’s uniform but with his back kept to the camera, pulled his gun out and shot Kalinski. Did the gunman kill him because of the rapes or because of the explosives? Did it matter? Did he deserve to die? In his heart Blair felt a burst of rage that lasted only a moment. It was replaced with a sense of hollowness. Regardless of the reason for his murder, Kalinski had paid the ultimate price for his choices in life. He’d paid for hurting all of those women. But what of those other three? Just like Kalinski, those three that hurt him, hurt Scott, deserved punishment of some form as well, except that they would never pay if no one took them to task for their actions. Was it too late? In that moment, Blair knew that if he didn’t say anything, that hollowness would stay with him for the rest of his life. He had to do the right thing. After a moment he dropped his head and closed his eyes. Then he looked up and glanced at the other men in the room. He could feel Jim staring at him. _That’s right, Jim… There was someone else, too…_

“A student? Not a TA or anything else…a student?” Jim asked and he finally turned to look at Jim, expecting all forms of recrimination but instead saw only love and support for what he’d gone through. He also saw a need for clarification and hurt because Blair had hidden this from him. Well, he was about to make that right. He closed his eyes because he couldn’t bear to see the pity or scorn in the eyes of the other men in the room.

“He…he wasn’t the only one….” Blair said in a pained whisper. He didn’t open his eyes but somehow knew the moment when Jim stood and came to stand next to him. He felt that warm, strong hand settle down on his shoulder and it gave him the strength to continue. “I’m a victim, too.”

Later, both Peters and Yates had gotten Blair’s statement and left to search for other victims and to try and find a connection between the three unknown rapists and Kalinski. Blair was grateful for the way they handled themselves. Once they got over their initial shock, they were very professional and compassionate. Most importantly, they didn’t place any blame on Blair for his silence. Simon stood up and came around his desk to stand in front of Blair. Reaching out, he placed his large hand on Blair’s shoulder.

“I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to come and tell us about this, but I gotta tell you, Blair, it’s no surprise to me that you have that strength in you. You’re a good man and I promise you, we will find the bastards that did this.”

Blair just nodded, his throat too tight to speak but hoping his eyes relayed his gratitude. 

Simon smiled and turned to Jim. “So now we’ve got to find how Kalinski was connected to these explosives – hopefully before it goes down.”

“Peters says there was nothing at Kalinski’s workplace but he was searching for anything related to the rapes. I want to go back and search again. There’s still plenty of time before tonight’s stakeout.”

“Yeah, and more investigation into the rapes will help hide our looking for smugglers. The warrant is still in effect so that shouldn’t be a problem. Sandburg,” Simon said turning to Blair, “do you think you can talk to that student you mentioned, see if you can’t talk him into coming forward?”

“Yeah, Simon. If it’s alright with Jim, I’d like to make that our first stop.”

“We can do that, Chief,” Jim agreed. “Then we’ll go and talk to Gerald Messing.”

“Messing? As in Messing Shipping Industries?” Blair asked in surprise.

“Yeah, Chief, that’s the name that Peters gave me. Do you know him?”

Blair blew out a breath. Great, that was all he needed on top of everything else. “Yeah, I’ve got a bit of history with him because of his son, Daniel.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Chief, but I’m going to need you with me on this…” Jim said, which Blair understood completely. Jim was going to be using all his senses to find some connection between Messing and those explosives. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll be out of the office?”

Simon snorted at that and Blair rolled his eyes. “Yeah, since when has luck and Sandburg ever been in the same sentence without the word ‘bad’ thrown in?” Simon asked facetiously but immediately regretted it when Blair looked away. “Blair…”

“No, you’re right, man. I can’t exactly deny the obvious,” Blair said gruffly. “Let’s get going, Jim.”

Blair left the office with Jim following. It wasn’t until they got into the truck that Jim pulled Blair around to look at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his concern showing clearly in his light blue eyes.

“Yes…no… I don’t know, man. I know I’m doing the right thing but I guess I thought I’d feel better about it. On the one hand, if I’d said something maybe we’d have caught these guys sooner. What if they’ve already hurt someone else? I don’t even want to think about that. But, on the other hand, I keep wondering if I just…do you think I brought this on myself? Simon, you…hell, everyone knows bad luck follows me like a shadow. Was it just bad luck or was it because of my size, the way I look, my…my hair…” Blair’s voice trailed off as he ran his hand over his head.

Without a word, Jim just leaned over and pulled Blair into his arms. Blair was amazed because Jim didn’t even bother to look around to see if anyone could see them. Blair looked up to see Jim gazing down at him. 

“Baby, you’ve had more than your share of bad luck but if anything, I’d say I’m the source of your bad luck. This time? No, this isn’t on you at all. Yes, you’re good-looking, beautiful in my opinion, and you have – well, had – gorgeous hair,” Jim said ruefully and then smiled when Blair gave him a half-hearted chuckle. “You just happened to fit these guys’ profile. A lot of people did, both men and women, since we’re talking about some copycats. None of this was your fault, Blair, please believe that.”

Blair sighed. Intellectually he knew Jim was right. He just really needed some time to really process everything that had happened, not to mention this new development with Jim. He pulled back a bit. “You thought my hair was gorgeous?”

Jim smirked. “I seem to be letting out quite a few of my little quirks here. I like to use endearments –”

“That one’s no secret. Chief, buddy, guppy…” Blair interjected and then, with a look of surprised realization, he smiled. “Nicknames or endearments, I guess it’s the same thing coming from you, Jim.” 

“…and I have always loved your hair,” Jim continued giving Blair a mild noogy. “Shit, when Naomi talked about how long your hair was when you were young, I had to really fight the hard-on that mental picture gave me.” 

Jim smiled when Blair outright laughed at that but then got more serious. 

“You said you cut it because there wasn’t anything else you could do with it. Any idea what you plan to do once it starts growing back?”

Blair sat up straight as he thought about Jim’s question. “I don’t know, Jim. I can’t stand the thought of what they said or how they touched it, but I have to admit I hate it short, man. I mean, I always thought I’d cut it someday, you know? Whenever it felt right or I just got tired of it or something but now I…I just don’t know.”

Jim was silent for a bit and Blair could see that he was struggling with something.

“Well, if you want my opinion, high and tight doesn’t really work for you, but something a little longer on top, something that lets your inner curl out, might not be too bad…” Jim paused at the snickered ‘ _oh, man_ ’ before he continued, “…if you want to keep it short. I just want you to do what feels right for you. The last thing you want is to let what happened to you change the person you are, both inside and out.” 

Jim was quiet for a moment and Blair didn’t say anything sensing that he wasn’t done, yet. Jim seemed to find his fingers pretty interesting for a bit but then he looked up. “I can be pretty slow on the up-take sometimes,” he began and grinned when Blair laughed out loud. “I thought for a while that what you were dealing with was impending fatherhood.”

That made Blair’s mouth drop open. He didn’t say anything for a moment and then asked simply, “Who?”

“Sam.”

“Whoa! No way, man! Are you **nuts**?” Blair burst out in amazement but then back-tracked a bit as Jim glared at him. The absurdity of the idea was too much, though, and he couldn’t help but giggle. “Why?” he asked once he got himself back under control.

“I could smell vomit on you, more than once. Saw you with her down in her lab and she looked sick to her stomach.”

“She had the flu, man. And I was…I was trying to get her to go out with me anyway so that I could prove something to myself, maybe to everyone. I needed some kind of validation, I guess. But, uh, I have to admit that the vomit? That was me,” Blair said looking away. He could feel the heat climbing up into his face as he recalled Sam’s reaction after the explosion. He shook his head silently and then turned back to look at Jim with an expression of infinite sadness. “Real manly, right?” 

“Is that part of what the kick-boxing and weight-lifting is about?”

Blair smiled slightly at that. “How’d you know about the kick-boxing?”

“I went to the gym and saw you there. I didn’t want to interrupt because you were looking pretty intense. No, actually you were looking angry. I think you have every right to be.”

“My head is so fucked up, Jim. Man, I was – I **am** – angry. I had to get it out somehow although probably not enough if you ask Yates. God, I still can’t believe I reacted like that!” Blair shook his head and looked out the side window. 

“They’ll get over it,” Jim said, “and so will you.” 

Blair looked at his friend, saw the deep-seated belief, support, and the love in his eyes and felt everything settle inside of him for the first time in what seemed like forever. He wasn’t on that slippery slope anymore. He smiled. “Yeah,” he agreed simply and Jim gave him a nod and then they left to go to work.


	15. Chapter 15

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – Marilyn Monroe

 

They met up with Scott by mid-afternoon. Surprisingly, their talk with Scott ended up being much simpler than either man would have initially believed. The Scott Bensen they spoke with wasn’t the same angry young man Blair had seen in his office seemingly a lifetime ago. Blair, while happy for Scott, told Jim he regretted not having taken his own advice, too.

“You were right, Mr. Sandburg,” Scott said as he sat stiffly on the futon in his dorm room. He was staring at his clenched hands as he spoke but then he looked up again. “Right about everything but I have to admit, it wasn’t just speaking with you that made me decide to call that number.”

Jim looked at the handsome young man with the short blond hair. While his t-shirt was tight and seemed to be painted on his muscular frame, he wore a looser pair of cargo pants. He tried to imagine him the way Blair had described him looking at the beginning of the semester but found that he couldn’t. Scott Bensen’s experience had left him a very changed young man, which made Jim’s gut clench as he thought of Blair. Blair said that anger and attitude had radiated off the young man. While the anger was still present, Jim saw more sorrow and regret dulling the young man’s brown eyes.

“What made you call, Scott?” Blair asked.

“I met someone and I could just tell he was like me…like us…” Scott said softly. 

Blair swallowed once. “Like…us?”

“Well, maybe not completely,” Scott said and then he looked straight into Blair’s eyes. “They didn’t finish with him. Something scared them off and they dumped him here. He woke up in that stand of trees, east of the cross-country track, and then he called his girl-friend. She…she had a sister who’d been raped and she convinced him to report it. That’s how I met him. I was waiting to talk to a counselor at the clinic when he came in. There was just something about him, the long hair, the anger… Anyway, I kind of – overheard – what happened and I knew it was the same guys. But you know what, Mr. Sandburg? All I could think about was that if I had gone to the police, if I had said something, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened at all.”

Blair dropped his head and blew out a harsh sounding breath. He shook his head slowly. Jim knew he was flooded with guilt over not saying something sooner. Maybe he was right but, then again, maybe not. Even coming forward wouldn’t have guaranteed that they’d have caught these guys before they hurt someone else. There just wasn’t any way to know. Jim put a hand on Blair’s shoulder and squeezed. He knew exactly what his partner was feeling and, while he couldn’t say that it wasn’t justified, it was something they would have to work through together – later.

“Would you be willing to give us a statement, Mr. Bensen? Also, since you’ve spoken with this other man, maybe you could convince him to talk to us, too. We intend to get these men but we need every bit of information you can give us.”

Scott nodded. “I’ll give him a call. I’m sure he’ll agree to speak with you, Detective Ellison.” He turned to look at Blair. “I know how you’re feeling, Mr. Sandburg. Trust me, I know. Just remember that they didn’t get him. He was lucky and someone else caused enough of a commotion to stop what was happening. But we’re doing something about it now and I believe you and Detective Ellison will find these guys.”

Blair nodded and Scott left to call the third man. After a bit Blair turned to look at Jim. 

“I should have told you. God, Jim… I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

“You heard what Bensen said, they didn’t finish the job. We will get these guys, Blair.”

“Yeah,” Blair agreed but the devastation was clear on his face, “but how many others are out there?”

Jim had no answer to that.

~*~*~

Daniel Messing walked into the warehouse in search of his father. He had several scenarios running through his head, all geared towards the same goal – getting more money. He’d emptied out every account he had access to but his father had been thorough and every source of major funding was locked tight until he either reached the age of 30 or had assumed control of his father’s assets upon his father’s death. Up until now that had been fine and dandy with Daniel since, generally, he wanted for nothing. All he’d had to do in the past was point and say ‘I want’ and either his father or his father’s accountants fulfilled that desire. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t do in this case because he really couldn’t walk up to his father and ask to have someone whacked. He was pretty sure that type of request would be met with uncomfortable questions. That left him trying to figure out which lie would be the most likely to net him the funds required to have someone killed because he was really going to do it. Moving through the outer storage area, Daniel felt the blush work its way back up his face as the memory of his last encounter with his supposed mentor played through his head. Yeah, his soon-to-be-dead mentor.

Darryl Kalinski had become his new role model and Daniel had been so hyped about it, although it had been mostly because if his father were ever to find out, he’d shit his pants. Daniel had laughed at that mental picture. If his father knew that the man he’d hired to help secure the gun shipment also liked to dabble in other interests and that he’d involved Daniel as well, he’d have killed him himself. After all, you don’t mix two businesses like rape and arms smuggling easily. But Darryl had what you might call a compulsion. He enjoyed raping women and then keeping little souvenirs of their time together. He liked to cut off a section of their hair which he kept braided and locked away in a special box in his apartment. He’d shown it to Daniel after Daniel had caught him partaking of his particular brand of fun one night while Daniel had been slumming with the prostitutes near the docks. It had made one hell of an impression. And all those little braids – the array of colors catching the light – had turned him on in a way he’d never felt before. So much so that he decided to begin his own collection although he’d never mention that little fact to Darryl. It was his secret. 

Oh, yeah, he’d learned a lot from Darryl and not just about having fun. No, he’d learned about planning his fun from beginning to end to include an exit strategy in case the shit hit the fan. He almost laughed at the thought of his father learning that he had so much in common with someone like Darryl because Dad, too, had contingency plans, only his involved a boatload of cash locked up in a safe in his office. A safe that Daniel had taken great pains to learn the combination to just in case of an emergency. With that much money he could take off for at least a little while, lay low until his Dad could get things straightened out. He smiled confidently because he knew he’d never get caught. He was too smart for that, smarter than Blair Sandburg. That was for sure.

Daniel’s hand strayed down to his pocket where he kept his favorite trophy. The mahogany braid with the corkscrew pigtail at the end was carefully wrapped in plastic so that it wouldn’t get mussed but he didn’t need to hold it in his hand to remember the feel of those silken curls or the tight, hot ass he’d slid into that night. It made him ache for a return visit but that wasn’t safe. Darryl had cautioned him never to taste the honey from the same flower twice. Besides, he learned that the guys he’d taken tended to cut off all that beautiful hair after he’d sampled them. Such a waste. 

Daniel didn’t see his father and figured he was in his office. He slowly made his way there, letting the memory of his last encounter with his ‘mentor’ play through his mind. His blush darkened as anger shot through him. He would get the money he needed and then his ‘mentor’ would know who was in charge. 

He felt shame as he remembered how excited he’d been to see Darryl that day. He’d found him waiting for him down by his SUV. He’d actually smiled at the man because he’d been happy to see him. Although in reality Darryl was a pretty ugly guy with a broad, flat nose and almost non-existent chin, not to mention that scar on the side of his face, Daniel was really kind of jealous. Darryl had a head full of dark, thick, wiry curls, curls that seemed to extend all over the short, muscular frame. He walked closer to the older man, idly noting the slight twitchiness Darryl display as he smoked a cigarette. Darryl had offered him one when he approached. 

_“No, man, not here. My father would kill me.”_

_Darryl smirked and turned away. “I heard you and your friends got yourselves another piece coupla nights ago.”_

_“How’d you hear that?” Daniel questioned him worriedly. His hand automatically went to the pocket where he kept his favorite lock of hair but he’d never pull it out. If Darryl got even a hint that he was copying his kink, he’d kill him for sure. As for the other night, he’d figured there were cops out there but they’d gotten away clean, he was sure of it. Besides, they never even had their party so nothing could have been reported. “Nothing’s been reported. I would have heard,” Daniel replied confidently._

_“Let’s just say that your chosen location for your fun wasn’t all that empty, especially down here on the docks. The rumor is that there were cops out there, not to mention the bums everywhere, so I’m telling you now, you’d better watch yourself, boy. If you mess this job up for me I will kill you and your friends. And if your activities lead the cops anywhere near me, let’s just say I won’t be the only one going down. Got that? I am not going down for any spoiled rich kid who suddenly decides he likes the taste of man pussy. You are on your own with this. Keep it away from me and mine.”_

_Daniel eyed Darryl closely. The man was mean and maybe a little bit crazy. Daniel would be an idiot if he didn’t heed Darryl’s warning. “Yeah, okay, man. No problem. I’ll keep it away from you.”_

With a nod Darryl had walked away and left Daniel to consider his warning. The only thing was that Daniel sure as hell wasn’t ready to stop, although he would be more careful about where they partied. The problem now was Darryl. He’d threatened him and Daniel believed the threat. That was when he realized that he no longer needed Darryl and he was sure his father could do without him, too, so he started to quietly ask around and found out how much he needed to have Darryl Kalinski killed. It turned out to be a lot of money.

So, after running around gathering every bit of cash he could lay his hands on, he realized it still wasn’t enough. He’d briefly considered dipping into his father’s safe but with all of the hassles his father was having with his shipments, the last thing he needed was to be caught with his hand in the till. Out of options, he decided to just scam the money off his father. The question now was what story would work best.

~*~*~

By late afternoon, Blair sat hunched down in his seat and pondered every belief he could think of that dealt with fate, karma, his mother’s platitudes on the way of things and the probability of just plain dumb luck as Jim drove them out towards the docks where they would be meeting Joel for an additional search. Under the premise that they were still looking into Kalinski’s activities, they hoped to be able to find something out about the explosives, especially since the stakeout the night before was again a bust. “Do you believe everything happens for a reason?” he asked out loud.

Jim glanced at him for a moment. “Pondering the life view of Marilyn Monroe, Chief?”

Blair frowned for a bit. He wasn’t sure what it was that Marilyn Monroe had said so he made a mental note to look it up later. 

“I was just thinking that if I hadn’t been raped, I wouldn’t have had that panic attack that stopped the attack on Paul Sommers. Also, if this hadn’t happened, would you and I have ever gotten together?”

Blair’s mind had been in a whirl ever since their interview with Paul Sommers, the young man Scott Bensen had called. They had learned that he, like both Blair and Scott, had been drinking with friends when he’d been drugged. Fortunately, he apparently drank less than Blair thereby ingesting much less of the drug so he remembered a few more details about where they’d taken him that night. He remembered being on the docks and an old building, like a warehouse. He was also able to give the exact date of his attack which occurred on the same night of that disastrous stakeout.

“I’d like to think that we would have gotten together eventually, Chief. But I also think that our actions that night on the dock, which happened to stop those animals from hurting Paul Sommers, were just a lucky coincidence. If there was a reason for everything, what would be the reason for Scott Bensen to have been raped in the first place?” 

Blair sat back and pondered that question. As far as he was concerned, there was never a reason to hurt another person at all let alone in the way that they had been hurt. “I don’t know, Jim. I just don’t know.”

“In all my years on the force, with everything I’ve seen, it’s not a question I’ve ever been able to answer, either. But evil people keep doing evil acts and all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing to fight it.” Jim paused to reach over and grab Blair’s hand. “And the only way I’m going to do that is with you there, right beside me, Chief. Plus, you’re the one who keeps telling me it’s what I was meant to do.”

Blair smiled brilliantly and squeezed the hand holding his, his heart warming at the sincerity in Jim’s voice. 

“So maybe I’ll figure out a reason someday. Maybe Scott will figure out his own way to come to terms with everything and won’t ever need a reason…”

“Shit happens?” 

“Yeah,” Blair said, a sad smile replacing the brilliance from a moment before. “I guess how you deal with it is more important than figuring out why it happened in the first place. Talk about some serious meditating in my future.”

“Probably, Chief, but it’ll definitely have to be later – we’re here,” Jim said as he pulled up in front of the large metal building. 

Blair nodded and then cleared his mind of his ponderings. He needed to focus so he could help Jim. Steeling himself for the meet with Daniel Messing’s asshole father, he jumped out of the truck and followed Jim into the warehouse.


	16. Chapter 16

“It is a wise father who knows his own child.” – William Shakespeare, _The Merchant of Venice_

 

Daniel was still pondering his options as he approached his father’s office. When he got to the door he looked through the small inset window and saw three men speaking with his father, two tall men and one man even shorter than his father. He briefly debated coming back later but his need for funds overrode any reticence. Still, self-preservation kept his hand from the doorknob until he knew what was going on. 

Daniel knew his presence on the other side of the door was noted when his father glanced at him with an irritated look and he wondered if he shouldn’t come back later. It was at that moment that he heard his father address one of the men as “detective” and fear shot through him. He heard one of the men answer in a soft voice but the other detective, a man nearly as tall as him, looked at him through the window, his cold blue eyes staring with an intensity that almost made Daniel’s knees buckle. He again considered leaving but forced himself to think about what was happening in the office. He realized that the taller detective hadn’t done anything except look at him. The speaker didn’t even glance his way and he couldn’t even see the short guy but he hadn’t said anything at all. What was most important, though, was that his father was still ignoring him so maybe this visit didn’t have anything to do with his activities. Daniel took a deep breath against the icy knot of fear in his belly as he debated what to do. The deciding factor was that he needed that money so, opening the door quietly, he slipped inside.

~*~*~

Jim had been silent while Joel spoke with Messing regarding Kalinski. All of his senses were on alert because as soon as they had entered the office he’d detected the scent of explosives in the room. Subconsciously, he was aware of the hand subtly touching his elbow. With Blair’s grounding, he carefully expanded his senses, using his eyesight as well as scent so that he didn’t zone. He scanned each man in attendance but all he got was a general sense that there had been explosives in the room but not that any man had actually handled any.

“As I told the other detective who came to look around, my men do not keep personal effects on the premises so there are no lockers to search. However, you are welcome to again look around as much as you need, Officers,” Gerald said graciously. So far he’d addressed all of his comments to both Jim and Joel, completely ignoring Blair’s presence. “All I can say is that I’m ashamed that man worked for me. He is an animal and I’m extremely glad you caught him. I’ll have one of my men escort you wherever you’d like to go,” Messing said as he raised a hand to gesture to one of his men.

While Jim was scanning the room, the door opened and a tall, strongly built young man entered. As soon as he closed the door, that brief gust of air brought his scent to Jim and he froze. Instead of explosives, he was positive that he could detect Blair’s scent coming from him. He wondered if he wasn’t picking up a stray scent from Blair who was standing beside him but then he focused and knew without a doubt that the young man had something on him that belonged to Blair. Piggy-backing his hearing onto his sense of smell, he heard the boy’s heart rate jump and he could smell his fear. Jim became immediately suspicious as he stared at the young man whom he assumed was Daniel. 

“Jim?” Joel asked but Jim was too busy focusing on the young man who had just entered to respond. Jim wasn’t zoning because Blair’s unobtrusive touch on his arm and his quiet voice prevented that. He gave Joel a quick nod in response to his question and then looked down at Blair. He’d also felt Blair’s tension ratchet up when Daniel came in, which made his own instincts rise as well. 

“And whom might you be?” Jim asked the young man levelly while noting every detail of the boy as he waited for an answer.

“This is my son, Daniel. He is a student at Rainier University and a star running back on the team,” Gerald Messing said proudly in answer to the detective’s question, placing his arm around his son’s waist. 

“Do you work for your father, Daniel?” Jim asked. While he didn’t smell any explosives on the younger man, he was trying to account for the fear he sensed. Being a student at Rainier, it was very conceivable that he had some contact with Blair which might account for Blair’s scent being on him but it didn’t account for the tension he felt radiating from Blair. 

“No…ah…” Daniel mumbled with a look that said he regretted interrupting this meeting.

“My son does not work for me, Detective. What is your interest in him?” Messing demanded. 

Jim knew that he had nothing on the kid so he’d have to start digging. “You seem nervous, Daniel,” Jim said, ignoring the father and concentrating on the kid’s response.

“I, uh, didn’t mean to in-interrupt…” Daniel said faintly, his timid response at complete odds with his physical appearance. His eyes darted about the room, never once making eye contact with Jim, Joel, or Blair. 

“My son does not need to explain his presence here, Detective,” Messing stated angrily. 

While Jim was sure Messing was pissed at him, it seemed Messing’s anger wasn’t solely reserved for them. He appeared to be angry with Daniel as well. Interesting. 

“I strongly suggest that you do what you need to do and then leave. Stearns will show you around,” Messing said in an obvious dismissal.

“Very well, Mr. Messing,” Jim said levelly, although he was still looking at Daniel. “We’ll get started.” Without another word he turned and followed Joel out of the room. The man, Stearns, trailed right behind them.

“What was that about, Jim?” Joel asked as soon as they were out of the office and following Stearns into the main part of the warehouse. 

“Something about that kid is off,” Jim said as they started to look around although he had extended his hearing to find out what Daniel was saying to his father. 

“Okay,” Joel said, easily accepting Jim’s intuition. “We can check him out when we get back to the station.”

Jim nodded and pulled away slightly, letting Joel look through one side of the warehouse while he and Blair moved off to the other.

“Are you okay, Chief? What was going on?” Jim asked Blair in reference to his response to Daniel’s presence.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I don’t know what got into me back there but I’m alright,” Blair said quickly but, while Jim noted some distraction in Blair’s answer, Blair seemed to get himself together quickly enough. “What are you hearing, Jim?” he asked instead.

“The kid is asking his father for a lot of money, but – yeah, his heart rate is still up. Messing is giving the kid shit about his ‘pansy-ass response’...”

“Pansy-ass?” asked Blair.

“Yeah, he’s giving the kid a load of crap about acting like a man, saying his ‘pansy-ass’ response was unworthy of a Messing – that no way would a Messing show a less than perfect face to a public servant,” Jim said rolling his eyes. 

“Anything else?”

Jim shook his head. “Messing’s putting him off, telling him to wait until we’re gone.” Jim turned and focused on Blair. “How do you know him? I could smell your scent on him.”

Blair’s eyes widened. “My scent? I, uh, that’s – really incredible, Jim. But I can’t think of any reason he’d have my scent on him. He’s in my Anthro 101 class…failing, too, but I haven’t talked to him since, ah, last Tuesday.”

“Okay, Chief. We’ll check him out later,” Jim said as Joel approached, knowing that they weren’t through with Daniel Messing. The three men kept looking around the main warehouse and then entered a small interior building. Jim paused as soon as the door opened. There were some benches with open boxes and some partially packed testing equipment. He looked at their escort. “What is this room used for? What’s that equipment?”

“Storage of smaller items, mostly,” Stearns said. “That stuff was dropped off by mistake. We’ve got to ship it back out.”

Jim looked at him and knew he was lying, not only from his response but because he could smell that there’d been some explosives in that room recently. 

Blair tapped Jim’s shoulder and said for Sentinel ears, “This stuff is for testing chemical compounds, man”

Jim nodded and put a hand one Blair’s shoulder, stilling any additional comment. He looked at Joel who nodded back at him knowingly. Without a word the three moved off to continue looking around, ignoring their escort who was paying close attention. 

After a bit Jim turned to Joel in a low voice that he made sure could still be heard quite easily by Stearns, “So far, I don’t see anything that indicates Kalinski brought his victims back here. Nothing that we’ve seen even matches the description.” Jim turned to Blair and, in a slightly louder voice, said, “We’ve seen enough here. Sandburg, you and I are heading to the next spot.”

Jim smiled approvingly when Blair’s quick look of confusion was quickly replaced with understanding. He also noted the slight release of tension in their escort. They finished up and went back to their truck, which was parked next to Joel’s sedan, telling Joel they’d meet him back at the station. Out of the corner of his eye, Jim watched Stearns go directly to Messing’s office, hopefully to tell him that they’d found nothing more. He motioned for Blair to go ahead of him to the truck.

~*~*~

Both Jim and Blair got into the truck and Jim immediately tilted his head into his classic ‘listening’ pose. Blair automatically reached out with one hand to ground his Sentinel. While Jim listened, Blair’s foot started jiggling. He didn’t know what it was but ever since they’d been in Messing’s office he felt like he was going to explode. He wondered why but knew it had something to do with Daniel. Probably his size, he told himself in disgust and then blew out a quiet breath and tried to settle his nerves. After a few moments, Jim straightened and turned towards Blair.

“Okay, Jim, fill me in. What just happened in there?” Blair asked as soon as he had Jim’s attention. It had taken everything he had in him to sit still while Jim did his thing. He switched from jiggling his foot to bouncing one knee up and down.

“Daniel was still in with his father. He was complaining that whatever Messing gave him wasn’t enough, something about getting a girl in trouble. His father was pissed but the bastard actually sounded proud,” Jim said with disgust.

Blair wondered if Jim was talking about Daniel or his father. 

“Daniel was still lying and he’s either angry or scared,” Jim said quietly. “His father put him off until tomorrow but promised the cash. Daniel bought it and then left. Messing is still angry but then started to Stearns. Then I heard Stearns tell Messing that we didn’t find anything and Messing answered ‘good’, that he’d already made the arrangements.”

“Arrangements for what? Maybe we’ll find out during the stakeout tonight,” Blair muttered, wondering if he’d even survive a stakeout that night.

“Looks like it, Chief. We need to update Simon,” Jim said and then started the truck and they pulled away.

~*~*~

“So what’re you gonna do with those big bucks, Danny?” Charley asked.

Daniel lit another smoke as he and his cronies sat in his SUV. They were passing a bottle and planning, relaxed now that they’d heard through the grapevine that Darryl had been killed while in police custody. Daniel wished he’d known that before going to see his father. He could have done without talking with that detective. Not to mention that he really didn’t need his father getting on his case over his behavior during that meeting, either. He felt a rush of anger at the memory of his father calling him a pansy-ass. _What the fuck does he know about me, anyway? All my life he’s given me nothing but shit over ‘acting like a man’!_ He blew out a long stream of smoke as memories of his childhood assaulted him; of being dragged to psychiatrists and doctors all because he’d found a little neighbor boy to play with. Well, fuck him and his ideas of masculinity and his homophobia! A ball of rage coalesced in his chest making it ache. He closed his eyes against the pain, breathing in deeply a couple of times and finally felt the ball slowly dissolve leaving a hollow pain in his chest because he couldn’t be the man his father was no matter how hard he tried. Daniel blew out another slow breath as a feeling of recklessness came over him. Sure, he’d go back tomorrow and take every cent his father was willing to give him and maybe even more, if he played his cards right.

The bottle made its way back to Daniel and he took a long pull. He smirked at his friend’s question. He’d been thinking about the same thing for the last couple of hours. Even though he no longer needed the cash for the hit, he’d be stupid to turn it down. No, all that cash was going to be his to play with and now it was just a question of how he’d play. He couldn’t spend it on anything that his father would see so no new car. He had all the liquor and pussy he wanted, not that he really cared much for the type of pussy his father chased although it was definitely readily available, more so with the cash he threw around. No, what he liked, what he craved, was man-pussy, a fun term used by his late, unlamented mentor. Only thing was that paying for it wouldn’t do it for him, at least not the way he liked it, with real fear and tears he could taste. But that wasn’t the best part. The best part was watching his little flowers after he’d tasted them, seeing what they did with themselves as they tried to forget what he’d done. Only they couldn’t. They’d never be able to regain what it was he took from them – their virility, their self-respect, their very manhood. Mmmm. 

So, back to the original question, what was he going to do with the money? He couldn’t take off because of finals coming up and he didn’t do drugs, not if he wanted to keep playing football and he most definitely wanted to keep playing. In fact, he wanted to play forever, go pro and screw taking over his father’s business. He shook his head with a huff. There really wasn’t anything he wanted short of quitting school and if he did that he could kiss his inheritance good-bye. Well, screw it, then. That only left one thing… He turned and smiled at his friends.

“Pah- _tee_!” Rich crowed.

“Oh, yeah,” Charley added. “…and I’ve got just the one we can pah-tee with!”

“Wait! The next one was supposed to be mine!” Rich complained.

“You got someone in mind?” Charley asked in surprise.

Rich looked away and then grumbled “No –”

“Then it’s mine. You can have the blond and I take the black,” Charley said, fondling the blond braid he carried in his pocket. 

Rich was about to protest again but Danny held up a hand. “It’s settled. Let’s go.” He started up the SUV.


	17. Chapter 17

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

 

 

“Just one thing, Jim,” Blair said as he stared blindly out of the truck, his foot tapping away on the floorboard.  “Why wait until the shipment comes in?  Why not go back in with the warrant and test the equipment in that room?  You can get the information about the shipment out of him in interrogation...”

 “Think about it, Chief,” Jim said with a raised hand to stop the flow of words.  “While we could have legally pulled forensics down here to test this stuff based on Kalinski testing positive for explosives, we’d still have a couple of problems.  One: even if it tests positive, Messing can claim that the equipment was shipped in this condition and that he had nothing to do with it.  Secondly and by far the worst problem would be that we’d spook him and he’ll just cancel the shipment.  We need to get him **and** the shipment.”

Blair slapped his forehead with one hand.  “Of course!” he said, shaking his head in exasperation and kicking himself for not realizing that for himself.  Jeez, he really needed to get his head in the game or he’d be useless to Jim but ever since leaving the office he’d felt what was left of his nerves frazzle.  He tried to pinpoint the reason, but his mind just kept skittering away and out of his control.

Jim parked the truck at the station but instead of getting out he turned to Blair, halting his exit with one hand on his arm.

“Chief, are you okay?”

“Yeah, man, let’s get going,” Blair said as he tugged on his arm, but Jim didn’t let go.  “What?” he demanded testily.

“You’ve been practically bouncing all over the truck ever since we left Messing’s office,” Jim said, surprise and worry obvious in his voice.  “What’s going on?”

Blair frowned as anger suddenly suffused his body.  He wanted to tell Jim to mind his own business and he turned to look at him, ready to do just that but one look at the worry and concern in those blue eyes stopped him.  His stomach gave a lurch as guilt flooded through him.  He dropped his gaze in confusion and sorrow.  Man, he had no idea what was going on with him.

“Jim, I’m sorry.  I…I don’t know, man.  It’s just – it started with being on the docks and then when Daniel came in…” Blair said softly and then stopped in shock and he knew – gods above – _he knew_!

“Honey, I smelled you on him,” Jim said, his voice tightening in growing realization.  “Being on the docks – that stakeout on the east side…  He’s one of them, isn’t he?”

Blair nodded miserably, all of the pain and horror from that night coalescing in his mind now that the monster had a face – and a name.  “I realized the location that night on the docks and then I screwed up that stakeout – but damn it!”  He looked up into Jim’s furious eyes but, for once, he had no thought about what Jim was feeling.  He was too shattered by this new knowledge and the heart-rending pain it brought.  “ ** _He’s my student, Jim!_** ” he cried, not understanding a betrayal by someone he knew.  “Why would he do that to me?”  He closed his eyes as his knees threatened to buckle but Jim’s hands were on his arms holding him up.  “Oh, man, I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams!” Blair hissed as he ran his hands over his head but where he’d normally bury his fingers in the long strands, all he could do was scrabble at the short bristles.  Anger, pain, and a burning desire for vengeance burned through him and he pulled his arms down to wrap them around his torso.  He wasn’t sure if he was trying to hold himself together or to keep from lashing out at somebody, anybody – except that the only person around was Jim.

Jim took the decision out of his hands at that moment by wrapping his own arms around Blair, cocooning him in support and safety.  “I’ve got you, Blair.  I’m not letting go,” he said fiercely and Blair sensed impotent anger pouring off of him in waves.  “We’re going to get them, babe.  I swear it.”

“Jim…” Blair whispered brokenly, the anger dissipating leaving an aching chasm so deep he felt there was no end to it.  “Ah, god, Jim!”

“We’ll get through this, sweetheart.  Just stay with me, okay?” Jim said speaking quietly into Blair’s ear. 

All Blair could do was nod as burning tears streaked down his face leaving stinging trails as though they were made of acid.

~*~*~

“From the statements we got from both men at Rainier, Peters will be here with the rest of my men,” Yates said pointing to a spot on the map that was spread out in the conference room a short time later.  He pointed to the old Bursinger warehouse, an old fishing company that had gone out of business twenty years earlier.  It stood next to several other warehouses that had also been abandoned when the fishing industry took a nosedive several decades before.  Now that Yates agreed that they had a copycat group of rapists operating in the old section of the docks, he wanted his men out in force looking specifically for a group of at least three men driving a dark SUV.

Despite the fact that their informant said the shipment wouldn’t come in until the next night, Simon determined that they needed eyes all over the docks every night just in case.  Towards that end he worked with Yates to combine their forces with Joel in charge on-site, especially since their areas of concern overlapped.  Right now they had every available officer from both sections in for the early-evening brief, including two divers.

Jim looked down and noted it was the area they’d staked out the other night, the same area Blair had recognized.  There were several old buildings that were due for renovation.  _But probably not for another century_ , Jim thought angrily.  They’d petitioned the City to move those renovations up on the priority list due to their propensity to draw in a criminal element but the typical dearth of funding had prevented it. 

“Good,” Simon said.  “Captain Taggart, since you’ll be in charge out there, please continue the brief.”

Joel nodded and pointed out the locations where he wanted men posted.  When he was done, Simon again took over.  He looked pointedly at Jim.  “Are you sure Messing didn’t suspect anything when you were there earlier?”

“I’m sure, Captain,” Jim said confidently.  “He thinks we’re still following up on Kalinski’s activities.”

All three captains nodded and the meeting broke up with the officers dispersing to gather the equipment they’d need that night.  Jim followed Blair in the press of bodies filing through the doorway.

“Ellison, Sandburg –!  Hold up a minute,” called Simon as everyone else left the conference room.

Jim glanced back and then stepped away from the doorway bringing Blair with him with a hand on his shoulder.  Everyone else continued to file out.

“Yes, sir?” asked Jim quietly once the last officer stepped through the doorway.  He automatically pulled the door closed behind him.

“Blair,” Simon began and Jim saw him look down at the abnormally subdued young man standing very close to his side.  His eyes followed Simon’s to a haggard-looking Sandburg who seemed to be near the end of his rope.  He’d briefed Simon about their suspicions about Daniel Messing, but they had no real proof other than Jim’s senses and Blair’s memory.  They couldn’t pull him in for questioning because the former was something they couldn’t tell Peters about and the latter was insufficient for probable cause.  Their best bet was to make sure Peters kept up the surveillance and hope they caught Messing and his crew in the act.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with this tonight, son,” Simon said gently.

Blair had been staring at his shoes until Simon called him son.  He looked up, the surprise evident on his face.

“The only reason you’re going tonight is because Jim needs you.  Otherwise, I’d pull you off of this.”

“I don’t see a conflict here, Captain,” Jim said assuming Simon’s concern was duty-related.  “We’re after Messing and the weapons.  Sandburg isn’t a part of Yates’ crew.”

“That’s true, Jim,” Simon said with a raised hand.  “It’s not about any conflict, it’s about my concern for Sandburg,” he clarified and then turned back to Blair.  “I’m worried about you, Blair.  Are you okay doing this tonight?”

Blair had remained quiet.  Jim knew Blair was worried about another panic attack but also knew he’d never leave Jim without backup.

“I’ll be alright, sir,” Blair said quietly, determination in his voice. 

Simon nodded.  “There’s no evidence of a pattern to those attacks, no reason to believe Daniel will do anything tonight.  You’re there for Gerald Messing, alright?  But by the same token, if you see anything even remotely suspicious, you call it, understand?  If we can get these bastards – even if it pushes the shipment back – we do it.  Clear?”

Blair’s eyes opened wide as did Jim’s.  Simon was willing to lose Messing if they could get the rapists?  That was – huge. 

“Simon –” Blair began.

But Simon again held up his hand.  “Whatever bad guys we can catch in the act, you get them.”

Although surprised, Jim was warmed by Simon’s decision.  He smiled.  “You got it, sir.”

“Thanks, Simon,” Blair said quietly.

Simon just nodded and gathered up his papers.  “So what’re you waiting for?  Go get whoever you can!” he growled making Jim laugh quietly and Blair smile.

Jim followed Blair out of the office, one hand resting comfortingly on his shoulder.  He had a feeling it was going to be an interesting night.

~*~*~

Daniel was surprisingly sober despite the amount he’d had to drink with his friends.  Right now he was nursing a beer in his favorite bar and watching the crowd.  It was packed, typical after a sporting event which, in this case, was a cross-country team that had dominated in a major meet. 

 _“_ Runners,” he huffed to Rich in dismissal, “not like a real sport _._ ” 

“Yeah,” Rich chuckled in agreement, “but some of those bitches can **run**.”

Daniel just shrugged as he eyed the young men and women and tried to gauge which one was their target for the night.  There was a blond guy off to the side that was all long, lean muscle.  He had a hawk nose and wasn’t that pretty but he had nice hair although it was shorter than he liked. 

“So which one?” he asked Charley who’d just joined him.

“Just wait, he was taking a leak.  There!  See ‘em coming up behind the chick with the big tits…”

Daniel looked to the right and although he only caught a glimpse of his face he was sure he was someone he could definitely _pah-tee_ with…  Long, almost totally black hair (looked like he dyed it), the guy looked kind of Goth and Daniel wondered if he was emo.  That thought fled when he turned around and Daniel saw how pretty the guy was.

“Oh, yeah,” he muttered and then rubbed at his crotch.

“Told ya,” Charley muttered beside him.  “You got the stuff?”

Daniel smiled and reached into his pocket for the small bottle of pills.  With a last glance at Charley and Rich, the three moved in a well-rehearsed pattern to get close to their target.


	18. Chapter 18

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.  
  


 

It was past midnight and still Jim and Blair remained huddled down. Being back on the docks was getting to Blair though.  In an effort to center himself, Blair chanted a mantra in too low a voice for anyone but a Sentinel to hear.  It helped a little.  What really helped was having a large, warm hand squeezing his shoulder, the Sentinel grounding the Guide for a change.

 

“It’s quiet, nothing’s supposed to happen tonight anyway.  Do you want to pull out?” Jim asked after shutting off his mic before turning to Blair, concern for his friend gleaming in his blue eyes despite the dark. 

 

Blair snorted lightly in surprise but then smiled.  They couldn’t just leave a stakeout, although he did appreciate the sentiment behind the offer.  He shook his head knowing that Jim could easily see the movement.

 

“I’m alright – really,” Blair said, his mic off, too, and then realized that he actually meant it.  Having Jim there, just touching him lightly, was making being there easier to deal with.  “Feel up to making another sweep?” Blair suggested instead. 

 

Jim smiled with relief.  Blair knew Jim had been scanning him periodically but his worry was still evident.  He didn’t want to leave but he would have – for Blair.  Reaching out with a finger to touch the soft skin at the back of Blair’s neck, an unusual move since it was usually Blair who reached out to touch his Sentinel, Blair watched as Jim extended his hearing, knowing that he was piggy-backing his sight onto it.  Blair listened, too, and heard the soft sound of water lapping against the docks as well as the plop of seals moving in the harbor.  How much more was Jim hearing?  Could he hear the rustling of homeless people that Blair knew were here and there in the various warehouses?  He must hear the rustling of rats that probably numbered in the thousands.  What about further out in the water?  Could he hear what was happening on the ships docked in the harbor?

 

Blair was quietly watching Jim, his mind wandering in a multitude of directions in an effort to keep from thinking about where he actually was when Jim straightened.  He’d obviously heard something.  Making sure his mic was covered, Blair mouthed a quiet, “What is it?”

 

“Voices, cursing…  An electric motor coming from the ship that docked yesterday,” Jim said, his attention solely on the dark water in the harbor.  Blair automatically looked in the same direction but couldn’t see anything beyond inky darkness.  He could make out the outline of the ship Jim was referring to but knew that it was too far for anyone to believe he could see it from his vantage point.  Jim would either have to wait until they got closer or move forward.

 

Jim thumbed his mic.  “I’m moving forward,” he said, notifying Rafe and answering Blair’s question in one go.

 

“Why?” came a voice that Blair knew belonged to Rafe.

 

“Thought I saw something.  I’m going to check it out,” Jim responded, putting all the other teams on alert.

 

“Got movement,” Jim finally whispered into his mic and then gave coordinates.  Blair sat up, using binoculars to look out in the same direction Jim did although he couldn’t see what Jim saw.  “Low-profile boat approaching the dock,” Jim said for Blair’s ears.  He radioed in that he was moving even closer and then proceeded to move forward stealthily, coming closer to where Peters and his men were stationed.

 

“What do you see, Ellison?” demanded a voice Blair recognized as Peters’.  He was at the south end of the docks, too far to be able to see anything.

 

“A boat that appears to have come from a ship.  Sandburg, can you read the name?” Jim said with a grin towards Blair. 

 

“The _Estrella Norteña_ ,” supplied Blair with a grin of his own.  Since Blair had the binoculars, it made sense that he’d be the one who should be able to read the name of the ship.

 

“I see them,” Blair heard someone else radio in but Jim was already watching as the boat kept approaching slowly.  He heard someone else say that the boat was moving under the docks.  The next transmission said that divers were in the water.  Blair mentally reviewed everyone’s location, including the divers, and then cursed to himself when he realized that no one was in a position to see which warehouse the boat was headed for.

 

“One of these places must have an opening straight to the water, Jim,” Blair said quietly.  “But which one?” he asked in frustration. 

 

Jim just shook his head and again reached for Blair as he tried to ascertain just where the boat had gone.

 

“This is Peters.  Noting more movement at my end – and a light…” came another transmission.

 

Jim threw a surprised glance towards Blair.  Peters was at another end of the dock from where the boat had disappeared.  Blair couldn’t imagine the boat being able to negotiate through all of the pilings, especially not that quickly.  He figured it had to be some more homeless people.

 

“Copy that…  It’s a dark SUV,” came a voice that Blair knew was someone else from Peter’s team and he felt himself blanch.

 

~*~*~

 

Daniel and Charley carried in the unconscious form while Rich moved the SUV to a more concealed spot.  Rich looked around after he parked the SUV but everything seemed normal in and around the old, dilapidated warehouse.  Eager to join in the fun, he forgot to turn off the dome light before opening the door of the SUV.  When it came on, he momentarily panicked and fumbled with it for a bit before he got it shut off.  Sitting quietly in the vehicle for a bit, he looked around but didn’t see anything.  He assumed everything was still clear so he opened the door as quietly as he could and made his way into the warehouse.

 

~*~*~

 

 “No, Jim!  You need to figure out where that boat went,” Blair hissed almost inaudibly but loud enough for Sentinel ears.  He had his finger over the mic but wanted to make doubly sure no one could hear their discussion.

 

“I’m not letting those bastards get away!” Jim hissed back slightly louder so that Blair could hear him.  

 

Blair blew out a frustrated breath and then leaned closer to Jim and placed his hand on Jim’s shoulder, the other still covering the mic.  “I know, big guy, I do, too, but no one else except you can figure out where that boat went.  As much as I want those guys, those explosives are a lot more dangerous.  You know, the good of the many…?”

 

“Quoting Star Trek, Chief?” Jim asked with a laugh but Blair knew he’d scored a point.  Jim looked down for a moment but then turned back to Blair and nodded.  “Okay, let’s go,” he said and then started to move out.  He paused after a couple of steps and then turned back to Blair.  “You’re a damned good man, Sandburg, and one hell of a partner,” he said in a clear voice and then moved forward. 

 

Blair grinned widely at Jim in the dark and then he, too, darted forward to follow his partner. 

 

Blair saw Jim pause to listen.  Blair’s hand moved to his shoulder, letting Jim cast his senses further.  Jim moved off to the left towards the other warehouses.  Blair was right behind him and then both men heard a soft thunk.  They knew it was the boat bumping against the piling.  Jim radioed in the location and then they heard the soft slide of movement from the officers around them as they all closed in.

 

~*~*~

 

 “Ah, come on, baby, don’t fight,” Daniel crooned to the man struggling weakly under him.  “You’re gonna like this…”

 

Although obviously sick from the drugs and weakened from the repeated beating, the young man continued to battle.  Charley laughed and then slapped their victim again while Rich peeled the jeans off of their ‘party guest’ and began fondling his genitals.   Sobbing, the young man moaned out a low sound that sounded like ‘no’.

  


“Oh, sweetheart, I know you mean yes, right?  Someone as pretty as you ought to know that this is what you were meant for.  Come on,” Daniel said and then, when Charley pinched the slack jaws and pulled his mouth open, Daniel slid his dick into the wet mouth.  “Oh, yeah…  So good…” he moaned despite the choking cries of the man under him.

 

~*~*~

 

Things began to move very quickly from that point.  The divers easily located the small boat and, due to Jim’s and Blair’s work, the men waiting topside were also pinpointed.  CPD waited until the men moved the shipment into the warehouse above leaving only the boatman below before they hit the warehouse.  Blair, who was waiting outside, heard a few gunshots being traded back and forth.  The only thing keeping Blair from running inside was the presence of the mic that let him overhear all of the action but, most importantly, let him hear Jim’s voice making occasional comments on the shooter’s whereabouts.  Overall, the operation was handled smoothly and quickly, much to everyone’s relief.  Considering the nature of the shipment, it could all have gone to hell in a hand-basket very quickly. 

 

~*~*~

 

 “What the hell was that?” Rich asked at what sounded like a gunshot.  More distant shots sounded through the night.  He sat up, pulling his fingers from inside the prone man’s hole.

 

Daniel didn’t say anything but he did pull his dick from their playmate’s mouth.  The young man moaned and tried to roll into a ball.  He looked over his shoulder and saw Charley already at the grimy window trying to see out into the darkness.  He turned to Daniel with a look of fear on his face.

 

“It’s on at the other warehouse on the other side of the dock.  I can see flashes…  Man, I’m outta here!” Charley hissed and then ran to the door. 

 

“Wait!  Help me move him!”

 

“Leave him, get your stuff.”

 

~*~*~

 

Peters kept his men back at his end, not letting them get involved in what was happening at the other end of the dock.  They needed to be on hand if things went south at the other warehouse while still maintaining surveillance on the suspicious vehicle at their location.  It was after the shooting started that more movement was noted near a window of the warehouse they were watching.  Peters radioed that information over the mic.

Jim had his gun pointed at one of the suspects when he heard Peters’ transmission. As quickly as he could he got the man down on the ground. Another officer ran up and kicked away the gun the suspect had dropped. While Jim covered him, the officer frisked the suspect and cuffed him. Another officer jogged up to help. As soon as he knew the suspect was secure, Jim looked around for Joel. Spotting him near the cases of explosives, he ran over and told him he was headed over to the other side. Joel, having also heard the transmission, gave him the go ahead. Jim ran outside and saw Blair moving towards him at a quick clip. He was glad Blair had a radio set, too. With Jim in the lead and Blair providing back-up, Jim approached the warehouse.





	19. Chapter 19

“Any life, no matter how long and complex it may be, is made up of a single moment--the moment in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is.” – Jorge Luis Borges

All three young men ran about grabbing their things in panic, deciding to leave their victim where he lay. Daniel looked through a crack in the door and saw more movement. The place was crawling with cops. He looked back at his two companions and quickly made a decision. Since he knew these warehouses like the back of his hand, he could get the other two to distract the cops, letting him slip out the small side entrance on the water-side he’d prepared some time ago for just this eventuality, part of his exit strategy. All he had to do now was get to his Dad’s office and that huge stash of cash. 

“What’re we gonna do, Danny?” Rich asked fearfully. 

Daniel looked at Rich and Charley, both guys scared shitless and hanging on his every word. It made Daniel feel big and powerful, probably like his Dad felt when he was ordering his men around and arranging for his shipments. 

“First thing is knock him out,” he said with quiet determination and gestured to the man lying on the ground and moaning softly. “Then get the wipes, clean everything up: hands, dicks, everything, then toss it out the window into the water. All the excitement is going on at that other old warehouse, they won’t see us. If we’re quiet, we can get out of here scot-free.”

“We can’t drive outta here!” Charley said. “The cops will stop us!”

“Not drive, you idiot!” Daniel spat. “Leave the truck. By the time they get everything settled down over there we’ll be long gone. I can come back later and get it and if anyone questions it, my Dad will cover for me. As much as he hates it, he knows I like the whores down here. Besides, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve left it when I was too drunk to drive home. For right now we split up and walk out, meet back at the dorm. Got it?”

Daniel watched as Rich and Charley looked dubiously at one another but Daniel knew they had no plans of their own and would decide to go with whatever Daniel said because he knew they’d follow the usual dictum: they were teammates, right? They were in this together, right? Daniel tried hard not to sneer. 

Nodding, they went over to the blindfolded man on the floor. With one quick punch, Charley had him out cold. They looked around some more and Daniel pointed them to two other doors opposite the one he intended to use.

“Just slip out when you’re ready. Stick to the shadows. I’ll be behind you guys,” Daniel promised. The other two nodded and moved away.

~*~*~

Jim moved closer and crouched down at the side of the warehouse closest to the water. He’d caught the tail end of a whispered conversation about sticking to the shadows. He turned to look at Blair who remained quiet behind him. He saw a pale face with determined eyes and nodded. Quietly he reported their location to Peters and almost immediately heard that they had a suspect exiting the warehouse at the front. He wanted to radio in that there were three but he had no basis for it except his hearing. Peters ordered his men to move in when a second suspect was spotted leaving so Jim, after motioning for Blair to stay put, moved forward. 

For the second time that night, all hell broke loose as Rich and Charley made a run for it with several of CPD’s finest on their tails. Other officers rushed into the warehouse and immediately found the victim unconscious on the floor. 

Jim stood and tried to filter out all of the noise. He felt the pressure of a hand on his back and immediately extended his hearing as he attempted to locate the third suspect. The noise level ratcheted up as both suspects began to yell and Jim winced at the additional noise. Through it all he heard the soft sound of his Guide’s voice directing him to adjust his dials, to filter out each noise. Only with Blair’s help did he find himself successful enough to hear the scrape of a boot near the water.

~*~*~

Daniel made it to a stack of crates as cops rushed towards the front of the warehouse. He could hear all kinds of yelling and orders to stop but he hunkered down until he could slip further away. He was rounding some rusted storage units when he saw him, Blair Sandburg, standing next to a tall cop. The little bastard had his hand on the other guy and they were talking, although he couldn’t hear what they were saying. Suddenly the big guy turned towards where he was hiding and he felt panic flood through him, especially when the big guy pushed Sandburg back and started towards his hiding place with a gun in his hand. He looked around, saw other cops approaching. He had one shot and it would be tight but no one could run like he could. Quietly, he started to climb.

~*~*~

“Third suspect, to the rear of the warehouse,” Jim radioed in while pushing Blair behind him. He was aware of Blair moving off to the side and crouching down. With a glance back at Blair, Jim moved down a narrow path between some dilapidated crates and some old, rusted storage units. 

He turned his head and tried to listen, filtering out what he could and wishing Blair still had his hand on his back. He turned and saw Peters moving towards the crates on the left side. With nod at one another they moved in. Jim leaned forward and peered around the metal corner and suddenly heard just the smallest intake of breath above him. He looked up just as a large body dropped down on top of him.

~*~*~

Daniel didn’t waste any time. He dropped down on the big cop and took off running at an angle away from the warehouse. He was pumped up and going for the goal, nothing could stop him. Suddenly, from the side he saw a small blur of movement and he was hit by two flying feet. While not large, the body that came at him was enough to knock him off his feet but he was up in a flash and then he turned on his opponent. Somewhere in the back of his head he was amazed at being knocked over by little Blair Sandburg. He smiled, especially when the little twerp took up a defensive stance as though he was ready to fight. Daniel Messing was accustomed to using his size and his father’s money and reputation to intimidate everyone who’d ever crossed him. There was no way he’d let TA Sandburg get away with challenging him. The thought of putting down the little girly-man once and for all thrilled him. He’d show Sandburg who the real Big Man on Campus was. All thoughts of running were then forgotten and he swung. It never occurred to him that he might have made a mistake in judgment even when, seemingly out of nowhere, a booted foot flew at his face.

~*~*~

Jim rolled over and shook his head just as Peters rushed up. Shaking off the helping hands, he stood up, spotted his gun and picked it up and then started running. He could hear a fight just around the corner and then his heart seized. 

“He’s headed right towards Sandburg!” Jim said to Peters and began to run. In a heartbeat he realized what was happening and then, with his heart in his throat, Jim screamed, “Blair!”

~*~*~

Daniel swung again, furiously angry that such a little pussy was getting in so many shots. He was having trouble seeing through the blood that was dripping down his face and he staggered a bit and gasped, wondering if his ribs were broken but he was determined. There was no way, no FUCKING way this little pussy was going to beat him. All thoughts of fleeing were gone. He wanted to kill Sandburg but the small bolt of lightning spun away under his swing and again jabbed him painfully in the belly before bouncing back lightly on the balls of his feet. Daniel’s stomach and chest were on fire and, after that last jab, he was sure he had a broken rib. He growled and staggered forward a step, his tired arms swinging low. 

All of a sudden, the little prick paused. Here was his chance. Daniel lunged forward.

~*~*~

Blair had lost sight of Jim when he went into the stacks. He was watching, peering through the dark when, out of nowhere, he saw a body hurtling directly towards him. In less than a second he recognized Daniel Messing and in that instant heard the voice that had haunted his nightmares. It all clicked into place and Blair saw red.

He took no chances; speed and agility were his best bet. Without waiting he moved in, feet and fists flying as every bit of training literally kicked in. Fueled by his rage, Blair let loose on every bully he’d ever faced all rolled up into one huge package. Daniel never stood a chance. Blair let loose another combination of kicks and punches. Daniel staggered back, shock and anger clear on his face.

“Not drugged up now, you asshole. What’s the matter? Can’t get your arms up without your buddies to help you out? Probably can’t get your dick up without their help, either…” Blair hissed, fury pouring out of him but somehow staying his hands and feet from continuing the punishing blows he’d been dishing out. All of a sudden, Blair heard Naomi’s voice in his mind, her sweet voice teaching him about violence not being the way to solve things and he knew that, believed it, too, but his desire for revenge was causing a war in his head. On one hand, he wanted to kill Daniel and his friends for what they’d done to him and to Scott and who knew how many others. And he could, he knew, if he kicked Daniel just right. On the other hand, he saw Paul and Tommy fighting over a found dollar bill and nearly destroying their friendship in the process. Fighting had been against every belief he’d ever held and yet here he was busting those beliefs all to hell and he couldn’t help but wonder: what would he destroy if he continued? He froze in indecision.

Out of the dark, Blair heard his name. He focused and saw Daniel lunging towards him, obviously intending to get his hands around his throat and squeeze the life out of him. 

Blair blinked once and bounced back, ducked under the lunging arms and spun. He kicked out once more but not in a blow fueled by a desire for revenge. Instead, he wanted this to end with Daniel paying for his transgressions. With a blow from the side of his foot instead of the toe, he smashed Daniel in the groin and then bounced back just as Jim made it to his side.

Daniel toppled over like a felled tree and then, in the next instant, frantically clutched at his nuts and tried to curl into a ball. Both Jim and Blair had to jump back when he vomited all over himself.

~*~*~

Hours later after the evidence had been processed, all of the suspects sat in holding. The three college boys had known enough to remain quiet until their lawyers were present so each made calls to their respective parents. Both Jim and Blair had caught a couple of hours of rest at their desks but now they were back at it, watching Peters conduct two of the interviews but in each case the boys refused to say anything despite their obvious fear. Daniel was still being treated in ER but would soon be transported back to the CPD. 

Peters left Charley crying in his chair and joined Jim and Blair in the observation room. Since the kid had stuck to his guns and refused to say anything until his lawyer was present, there wasn’t much more Peters could do. He was still blasting himself for not having seen the trio arrive with their latest victim and said as much to both Jim and Blair. 

"You were spread thin," Jim reiterated. "But you still would have seen the light in the warehouse they were using. It was just a question of timing. The dome-light probably got you there sooner; otherwise we wouldn't have even known they were there until your guys did their next patrol." Peters nodded, reluctantly agreeing but Jim knew it still rankled. Now, even though Charley had been found with a braided lock of blond hair in his pocket, hair that looked like it could belong to Scott Bensen, they still wanted a confession to nail the case closed. But while that evidence had been the crack in the boy’s thin shell, he’d started crying for his mother and his lawyer. Disgusted, Peters left him alone. 

“What do you think?” Peters asked. 

Jim knew they needed a confession to really nail the three scumbags. Although the three had been caught leaving the scene of a crime, everything they had was still circumstantial, although two of their suspects did have braids on them: Messing and Strumm. The victim was unable to ID anyone because of the blindfold and the drugs in his system. Although they had the vehicle at the warehouse, there wasn’t any evidence inside that would directly link their suspects to the victim. The hard truth was that the three hadn’t gotten far enough into the rape to leave much by way of DNA. 

Jim just shook his head. He knew that he could break the kid if given the chance but, like Peters, his hands would have been tied by the request for a lawyer too, and there was no way in hell he’d jeopardize Peters’ case. He glanced sideways at Blair, saw him staring fixedly through the glass at the kid who stood 6’1” and easily weighed 210 in pure muscle. The thought of that hulk forcing himself on Blair made Jim see red and he wished he had one single chance to get his hands on him. Hell, he wished he could let Blair loose on his ass, to do to him what he’d done to Messing.

“Might be the weakest link,” Jim said tightly. “Crybaby here and Messing had braids. You should be able to use that. But you said Gibson’s lips are sealed, so far.” Richard Gibson, although plainly terrified, hadn’t said a word. Another big guy, Rich was the shortest of the three standing an even six feet and weighing in at 190 lbs.

“Yeah,” Peters agreed and then looked at Blair. Jim knew he wasn’t too happy with Blair watching the questioning, but he was one of their own so Peters said he was alright with bending the rules a bit. Besides, if Peters could get a confession out of these guys, Sandburg wouldn’t have to take the stand.

“Anything out of their fearless leader?” Jim asked. Although he kept his eyes on the still blubbering kid, his senses were trained on his partner. Blair still wasn’t talking, but his heart was going a mile a minute and Jim could see the tension making knots in Blair’s muscles that he knew he’d have to help massage out later…if Blair would let him. After finally seeing these three bastards, Jim understood a little more about Blair’s comments about them being big. That Blair had let him hold him the way he had earlier despite his physical resemblance to these goons spoke of a level of trust that both amazed and humbled him. 

“Bastard’s threatening everyone with false arrest once he gets a hold of **Daddy**. He’s also threatening to sue Sandburg for assault…”

“No way that’ll fly!” Jim exclaimed and then looked at Blair who was now staring at Peters in shock.

“Don’t worry, got the kid dead-to-rights leaving the scene plus the braid…”

“Whose –?” Jim started to ask but was interrupted by Blair.

“It was mine, right?”

Peters’ expression answered the question and Blair just nodded to himself and then turned back to Peters.

“Yeah, the other braid would have been blond,” Blair said still deep in thought. “Here’s an angle for you, pressure Rich, not Charley. Daniel’s got the money and the high-class lawyer. He was the ring-leader that night. Charley is on a partial sports scholarship with Mommy and Daddy footing the rest of the bill. He’ll do whatever they tell him to do. Rich, though, he’s the one you can work on. He’s got a full scholarship and makes up for the rest of his needs with student aid and by working over the summer. A full-blown rape charge will blow that out of the water. He’s your best bet for making a deal, especially since he didn’t have any – evidence – on him.”

“Evidence or no, he’s just as guilty, Blair. You’re talking about him getting off with a slap on the wrist.” Jim slowly put a hand on Blair’s shoulder. To Blair’s credit, the slight flinch was only detectable by a Sentinel but the slight easing of tension in the strong shoulder kept Jim from pulling his hand away. He squeezed gently.

“It’s Daniel’s voice I hear, Jim, instigating everything,” Blair whispered. 

“Alright then,” Jim said and turned to Peters, “I’m trusting you to get these bastards.”

“I’ll get ‘em,” Peters promised with a look at both Blair and Jim. “They’re going down.”


	20. Chapter 20

"Remember that the road to healing winds through pain, anguish, sickness and many tears." – Amanda Ford

The men arrested with the arms shipment weren’t as smart as the college boys, but they were afraid. They knew what had happened to Kalinski and they knew Gerald Messing was behind that so no one was talking until they had legal representation. With nothing to connect Gerald Messing to the shipment, the detectives feared he was out of their reach. The CPD was at a standstill.

Jim, Blair, and Peters gave their statements to all three captains. Both Simon and Yates leaned back in amazement. Joel just chuckled quietly in the corner. All the statements corroborated that Daniel Messing had charged Sandburg’s location and that he’d had no choice but to defend himself. It was still amazing to everyone, except Jim, that Blair had meted out so much damage to the much larger Messing while sustaining only a few scrapes and bruises himself. Blair found himself coloring slightly at the comments. Part of him wanted to yell out that he wasn’t a wimp; another part was more level-headed. He knew that, generally, size difference was a huge factor. Nevertheless, after all was said and done, they felt that Blair’s inadvertent presence could be explained so as not to compromise any arrests.

Peters excused himself to start working on his report but Captain Yates stayed behind for a moment. He looked down at Blair and put his hand out. “Good job. I heard what Detective Ellison said about you and I have to agree. You’re a damn good man, Mr. Sandburg. Although the men in my unit already have an idea of what you’re capable of, it doesn’t hurt to remind them that they got off lightly. You’re also a force to be reckoned with in more ways than just physically. The solve rate you and Detective Ellison have makes Captain Banks a lucky man to have you on his team.” 

Surprised but grateful, Blair returned the handshake thoughtfully. He wondered distantly at the number of tall men in his life. “Thanks, Captain, I appreciate it but I do want you to know that I regret the entire incident with your men. That’s not the way I usually operate and I will be apologizing to them. I guess I just haven’t been myself lately.”

Yates gave Blair an understanding smile. “Considering what you’ve been through, I think you’re doing much better than many other men would. You had an opportunity to do a lot more damage not only to Messing but to my men as well. You didn’t take it which showed a lot of restraint. Just make me a promise, if you would, Mr. Sandburg.”

“Uh, yes, sir, what can I do for you?”

“I know Captain Banks will take care of you. He’s a good man. You take him up on whatever he offers, alright?”

Blair gave the big man a small, wistful smile. “I intend to, sir.”

Yates nodded and then slowly put a hand out to pat Blair on the shoulder. He looked as though he wanted to say more but instead just nodded at the rest of the men in the room and left. Blair turned around, a bemused expression on his face which then became quizzical. He look towards Jim. However, it was Joel who answered his unspoken question.

“It’s on tonight’s transcripts. Jim said you were a good man and one hell of a partner,” Joel said with a smile. “Of course we all knew that already, Blair.”

“That’s a fact,” seconded Simon.

Blair looked at the three men in surprise. He’d been unutterably pleased when Jim had said it earlier in the night but he hadn’t realized that the mics had been on. He blushed deeply.

Jim looked at Blair for a moment and then suggested the day had been quite long enough for everyone especially since there wasn’t any more they could do since everyone involved had clammed up until their legal representation was available. So, even though it was now the early hours of the morning, everyone wholeheartedly agreed and they decided to call it a night.

~*~*~

Blair was quiet all the way back to the loft. Jim parked his truck just as the sky was beginning to lighten. Blair didn’t move and was lost in thought. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his arm and Jim calling him ‘Sweetheart’ that he realized Jim had been trying to get his attention. He couldn’t help but smile at the endearment.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Blair’s small smile bled away. “I’m so messed up, Jim…”

“Thought we already established that,” Jim said with a small smile of his own. “You’re still my mess.”

Blair gave him a grateful smile and clasped the hand Jim had resting on the seat. “It’s just that I’m so far from being me right now and what I did to Daniel… God, Jim, I was so angry. I actually contemplated killing him. I knew that I could do it, too, with the right kick…”

“But you didn’t, Blair. Even though you have every right to be angry and that bastard deserved everything you handed him, you still controlled yourself. You can’t beat yourself up over that. I was there and I saw that last, very well-deserved kick you gave him. You turned your foot on purpose specifically to prevent permanent damage. You were in control,” Jim said, his eyes clearly showing his desperate need for Blair to believe him.

Blair did. He nodded his head slowly. “I just need to process this, you know? But I can’t… I haven’t been able to meditate at all. Too scattered, too keyed up...”

“Yeah, well, maybe your body’s telling you to take care of some other things first, like sleep and maybe some food. We don’t have to be in until noon so maybe after some sleep you can try. What do you say?”

Blair nodded. He was exhausted and the only thing on his mind now was maybe talking Jim into letting him curl up with him in that big ole’ bed of his and sleep for the next week.

“Come on, baby. I’ve got a bed with your name on it. Just for sleep. Sound good?”

With a final nod Blair dragged himself out of the truck and then, with arms wrapped around one another’s waists, the two men headed upstairs.

~*~*~

Jim had been surprised when he’d awakened at mid-morning to find that Blair was already up. He looked through the railing and saw him down below seated in a lotus position in front of a single candle and wearing a headset through which Jim could hear the soothing sounds of Blair’s favorite meditation music. 

At first concerned because he knew that Blair hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep, his concerns eased when he realized three things: first, from the lingering scents, Jim knew that Blair had actually eaten some food. He quietly got up and threw on a robe and slipped downstairs to investigate. Using his finely honed senses (and noting the bagel crumbs and orange peels in the trash) he surmised that Blair had eaten a toasted bagel with cream cheese followed by, wonder of wonders, an orange. This was accompanied by coffee, a half-pot of which was considerately left in the coffee-maker. 

Secondly, he scanned his lover and noted the slow, steady heartbeat and even respirations. That told him Blair had been successful in reaching what he hoped was the appropriate depth needed for his meditation. He truly hoped so after the rough night they’d had. Despite his exhaustion, Blair continued to be plagued by nightmares. He’d awaken from his dream only to find that he was being held in a pair of strong arms. Jim closed his eyes in pain as, each time, Blair would begin to panic until he had awakened enough to realize that it was Jim holding him, not Messing and the others. And, each time, Blair would apologize. Jim suggested that they just sleep together, without touching, and they tried but the obvious misery Blair felt at having Jim so close without touching nixed that idea. Jim then attempted to go downstairs to sleep on the couch leaving Blair to rest in his bed, but Blair wouldn’t hear of it. He grabbed Jim’s arms and wrapped them around him in a desperate attempt to keep Jim near him. Jim would have argued if not for his heightened senses telling him that Blair really did relax more with his Sentinel’s arms around him. The problem was obviously his subconscious. Their final solution, which came several hours later, was to have Jim place a single hand over Blair’s chest. Blair then placed his own hand over Jim’s and, thus, was able to fall asleep…and stay that way.

Third, but probably most importantly, was that he’d awakened with the memory of a dream. In the dream his spirit guide was lying in a jungle clearing with a wolf that, judging from the scabs and patches of missing hair, had been through a difficult time. His panther was carefully licking the wounds both as a soothing gesture and to promote healing. Occasionally, the wolf would growl and nip at the panther but the panther’s response was to patiently begin licking at another spot. Eventually, the wolf gave in to the panther’s efforts and slipped into a peaceful, curative sleep. Jim had awakened with a sense of determination and an understanding that the road ahead would be difficult and one where he’d occasionally be butting heads with Blair, but he understood that the key was no matter what Blair’s reaction, to him, to whichever therapist he saw, or to whatever situation they found themselves in, he had to be patient. With that thought in mind, he settled in to wait with a cup of coffee and a newspaper while keeping his hearing centered on his Guide’s vital signs. 

A change in Blair’s breathing pattern alerted the Sentinel that his Guide was coming out of his trance-like state. He watched the minute changes across the beloved face, from the top of that broad forehead which housed that incredible brain, to the slight twitches of the newly-exposed ears, all the way down to the slight pursing of the sweet, lush lips. He listened to the slight intake of breath, a prelude to the deep, cleansing breaths Blair took while stretching. The sudden shrill of the telephone, however, caused him to gasp in pain. In moments, Blair was there to center him with a touch to his arm and low-spoken words. The warm hand was still on his shoulder but now that his hearing was dialed down and the pain had receded, he heard Blair answering the phone but couldn’t yet tell who was on the other end of the conversation. Carefully, he eased his hearing back up and heard Simon’s voice. All legal representation had appeared and Gerald Messing was on his way in. Simon wanted both Blair and Jim to come to the station.


	21. Chapter 21

“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.” – Charles F. Kettering

“How are we going to get Messing to confess his involvement with that shipment?” Blair bit out as they drove towards the station. Although he had achieved some measure of success with his meditation, Blair still felt tense and angry. That, on top of his exhaustion, had left him feeling antsy about what was to come. He rested one arm on the truck door and ran that hand continuously over his scalp, a nervous gesture of which he had no real awareness. He could feel Jim looking at him but he knew what he looked like. The reflection in the mirror had shown every shadow under his eyes and the lines on his face. He glanced at the tense set of Jim’s jaw and the flare of his nostrils. It occurred to him that Jim could probably smell the anxiety coming off of him. He started slightly when a large hand covered his own which lay fisted on his thigh. 

“We’ll get him, babe. I’m not sure how but he won’t get out of this. None of them will,” Jim said and Blair knew he was referring more to Daniel and his cohorts than those involved with the shipment.

Blair looked down at the large hand covering his and he forced himself to relax. Slowly opening his hand, he turned it over and twined his fingers with Jim’s then nodded in understanding. He worked on forcing himself to relax knowing that he’d be no good to Jim if his anxiety was all the Sentinel could sense. 

Jim pulled into the station and they made their way upstairs. They glanced at one another when they heard the loud angry voices coming from Major Crimes. A very irate Simon was standing in the bullpen when they got there. He gestured them over. 

“Gerald Messing is on his way here with his lawyer. He was apparently delayed due to **business negotiations** ,” Simon said giving those two words an emphasis that said he thought the negotiations related to the arms shipment. “He has yet to be advised of the details surrounding his son’s arrest. The rest are all still holed up with their lawyers. We need to talk strategy here, gentlemen. Jim, I want you to handle the interrogations of the men involved with the shipment. We need them to implicate Messing. The DA is on his way over to talk about this. Get what you can before he gets here.”

Jim nodded. “What about Daniel and the others? Any progress there?”

Simon looked primarily at Blair and then gestured for both men to follow him into his office. When they entered, Blair’s eyes opened wide when Simon placed a large hand on his shoulder. He glanced at Jim and saw from his expression that all of Jim’s internal alarms were going off.

“What happened, Simon?” Jim demanded and automatically took a step closer to Blair who remained mute, a testament to how disturbed he was too.

“Daniel Messing is pushing for assault charges against Blair. He also claims that Blair gave him the lock of hair – to prove his love for him.”

“ ** _What?!_** ” Jim almost yelled and then looked at Blair. 

Shocked, Blair stared at Simon. A heartbeat later he was filled with anger. “That’s bullshit, Simon,” Blair spit out.

“I know, I know,” Simon said, stopping further comment with his raised hands. “It’s being handled with all of the concern it deserves – which means none. The only good thing is that Peters is working on Richard Gibson based on your suggestion, Blair. It looks like it might work.”

“That’s great, Simon, thanks. But I want Daniel’s father to go down, too. How are we going to get him if his men are too afraid to narc on him?”

Simon ran his hand over his face. “That’s the question of the hour, Sandburg,” he said tiredly and then it struck Blair that Simon was still wearing the same suit he’d worn during the night, after the raid. 

“Simon, man, have you slept at all? You need to get some rest,” Blair said as he looked up at the tall man in concern. 

“I would if I could, Sandburg, but I’ve got the Mayor and the Chief of Police screaming to get this mess taken care of. The only good thing that’s happened so far is that the press hasn’t gotten wind of the three rapists. They only know about the arms shipment we brought in. They also don’t have Messing’s name in any of this. It’ll be a different story when they find out though.” 

Just then Blair saw Jim cock his head. “I think Messing and his lawyer have just arrived,” Jim said.

“Since that part belongs to Yates, his men will be dealing with him and his lawyer, thank goodness,” Simon said, watching his detective. 

Blair automatically placed a hand on Jim’s arm.

“Blair, what’s your read on Messing’s relationship with his son?” Simon asked Blair, although his eyes stayed glued to Jim.

Blair spared a glance at Jim but he seemed alright, no zone, just listening. “Proud, has plans for Daniel although I’m not sure Daniel’s in line with them, he lives for football.” Blair paused for a moment as he recalled a conversation he had with the young man he’d arranged to tutor Daniel at his father’s insistence. “Daniel has a learning disability but his father’s the type to blame everyone other than his son, who’s perfect in his opinion. I’m not sure how this arrest is going to fly with him…”

“Very badly,” Jim said as he rejoined the conversation. “He’s refusing to believe his son is, and I quote, ‘one of those perverted fag bastards’. He’s saying that if he were, he’d have cut him off long before now and he’s blaming Sandburg for his evil influence. Okay – now he’s threatening to sue Ranier for hiring predators and also the department for police brutality and—wait, his lawyer just told him that Sandburg beat him up…” 

“Great. Not only did I turn him to the dark side, I brutalized him and as soon as he talks to his son he’s going to be the loudest on the ‘Blame Sandburg for Everything’ wagon,” Blair said angrily and then looked at Jim who’d placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait a minute, Blair. You told me how his father feels, what’s Daniel’s take on his old man?” Simon asked.

“Thinks the sun rises and sets out of Daddy’s ass,” Blair said reverting to the bitter crudeness he’d recently adopted. It seemed to fit his mood lately. Jim tightened his hand on his shoulder.

“Sandburg…” growled Simon in warning but Blair held up his hands this time.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Simon, I–” Blair started, ashamed at his inability to control himself. 

“Forget it, Blair. I understand but here’s a question for you both. Do you think Daniel knew what his father was up to? Because if he did, then listen up. I’ve got a plan…” Simon said and then outlined it for his men.

~*~*~

Vice Detective Chong entered the interrogation room where the suspect was secured to the table. The suspect, the typical spoiled rich-kid type, looked up when he entered and then scowled.

“Has my father gotten here yet?” the suspect demanded.

Detective Chong just shook his head. “I don’t know. I just need to move you to another holding area because we need this room,” he said as he opened the cuff that secured Messing to the table in the interrogation room. Moving Messing’s arm around to cuff his hands behind him, he ignored the whining the big, burly kid made about his injuries. Detective Chong was fully cognizant of the suspect’s broken ribs and numerous bruises. He was careful in his movements as he always was, so when the whining got louder he deliberately pushed up on the cuffed hands a bit which earned him a satisfying yelp from the suspect. “Sorry, whining makes me tense,” he said unapologetically and then very gently suggested Messing accompany him out of the room. Once they were in the hallway, some yelling became very audible.

“…my son is a PERVERTED FAG BASTARD! I’ve given him everything. EVERYTHING! This is how he repays me? By drugging and fucking OTHER MEN! And letting that little fag kick his ass? He deserves EVERYTHING that’s happened to him…!”

Detective Chong could hear a low voice pleading with the angry man. He looked at his suspect who’d paused at the words, his face pale and his mouth hanging open. Someone else entered the hallway and Chong saw his boss, Captain Yates, walking the District Attorney down to one of the interrogation rooms. At this point the yelling began again and the angry voice was now threatening to cut off his son and hoping he and his friends got their asses ripped apart in prison by all of the other perverted fag bastards. Just then someone else entered the hallway and Chong looked behind him and almost smiled as Detective Ellison, Captain Taggart and two uniforms escorted two of the men picked up during the arms raid down the hall. 

Chong’s suspect began to struggle and he expertly held him in place by exerting a minute amount of pressure where it would be most effective. He got the suspect to settle down just as the door to the room with the yelling man opened and Gerald Messing stepped out into the hallway. The moment the two Messings laid eyes on one another, all hell broke loose.

By the time they got the two Messings separated and into separate rooms, Daniel was screaming for his own lawyer and promising to give a statement regarding his father’s true activities in exchange for leniency. Legal representation was rapidly procured and Daniel was spilling his guts on Daddy Dearest’s sideline job.

Both men being escorted by Jim and Joel, after hearing what Daniel Messing was saying about his father, opted to give their statements incriminating Gerald Messing in the arms shipment, and began demanding deals of their own.

Richard Gibson had already worked out his own deal which claimed Daniel Messing was the leader in their activities, with Charles Strumm as the one to target their third and fourth victims. The DA, the Mayor, and the Chief of Police were ecstatic. The media was having a field day, especially as juicy details from Daniel Messing’s disturbed childhood mysteriously became public. Although the trial would be months down the road, Daniel’s statements proved to be the most damning in terms of finding the exact evidence they needed to prosecute his father. Daniel, disillusioned and angry over what he saw as his father’s betrayal, confessed to everything in what appeared to be a desire to destroy the Messing name once and for all. His trial was on hold pending psychiatric evaluation.

Jim finished off the last of the paperwork for the arms case and handed it to Blair to add to the file. Blair had finalized his statement for Peters so they were done for the day. Jim took a quick glance at Blair and noted how tired he looked. He’d had another session with his therapist that morning and had been quiet ever since. While Jim wouldn’t ask what was going on in his head, he wanted to give Blair the opportunity to talk if that’s what he wanted to do. 

“Hey, Chief, how about some dinner? I’m thinking we pick up some Thai, my treat. Interested?”

Blair looked up from the file and gave him a tired smile and a nod. Jim took in the fatigue but was pleased to see that his friend’s eyes were clear. He figured it must have been a tough session but probably a good one, too. He smiled back, patted Blair on the shoulder and then stood up to take the file to Simon. By the time he got back Blair had shut everything down. Side by side, they left the office.

~*~*~

Sam had a copy of the forensics report on the explosives taken during the arms raid for inclusion in the final report. She was carrying it up to MCU to hand it to Captain Banks when she saw Blair leave the office with Jim Ellison at his side. She could hear them debating the pros and cons of two different restaurants as they left no doubt arguing over which restaurant to visit before they headed home – together. Ellison had his hand on Blair’s shoulder as they argued good-naturedly. Blair appeared tired but the look he gave Ellison as they walked out left her feeling empty and very much alone. She’d heard rumors that he’d helped Vice close a major case but hadn’t been able to get any more information. The Vice guys’ lips were sealed and MCU never gossiped about their cases or their people, especially Blair. In fact, it always seemed that everyone in MCU was very protective of Blair. She felt an immediate surge of jealousy followed by sorrow and then resentment only to have her emotions cycle back to sorrow. She couldn’t confirm her suspicions about Blair and Ellison but wasn’t sure that she wanted to either. He had his own life and was entitled to happiness no matter where he found it. 

The elevator closed on the two men and she became aware of a sense of shame. Just because she wasn’t the one who could make him happy, she’d had no right to take her insecurity and jealousy out on him. She just wished she could find some happiness of her own. Steve had broken things off with her two nights before and she’d heard through the grapevine that he was already seeing Kelly down in records. She felt like a fool. Sam dropped her head and stared blindly at the folder in her hands. She could still hear the echoes of Blair’s rich voice ringing in her ears and understood just how badly she’d screwed up and not just because she hadn’t realized what it was she’d let slip through her fingers. She’d also alienated Blair as a friend, a double loss. She chewed her lower lip in an effort to fight the prickling in her eyes as self-pity flooded through her but she shook her head and straightened her shoulders in recognition of the futility of her emotions. Blair was always talking about different cultures and the differences and similarities in their beliefs. She recalled many a mini-lecture on various beliefs like karma in terms of cause and effect and even the Christian expression of ‘reaping what you sow’ and now she could honestly say she was beginning to really understand what he’d been talking about. _I guess it’s never too late to learn, Blair._ With a sad sigh, Sam continued on her way to Captain Banks’ office.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 (Nine months later)

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

Blair took a deep breath as he finished yet another session of deep meditation. He stretched his arms over his head and closed his eyes, again breathing deeply. He opened his eyes and was caught by the sunlight gleaming on the crystalline, snow-covered balcony and then felt a quick chill. Laughing because he knew it was more the idea of snow than any real physical cold, he leaned forward and blew out the candle that sat on the floor in front of him. He felt pretty good, he realized. Despite the fact that there was still so much going through his head that he needed to process, he was getting there. The nightmares didn’t come as often anymore but when they did, Jim was there to hold him. It was getting better. _He_ was getting better and was finally finding his balance.

This particular meditation session was intended to help him accept what he’d learned from Naomi’s last visit. He shook his head sadly. He’d finally told his mother what had happened and she’d reacted just as he hoped she would, no condemnation or pity (although shock and horror were there), but intense sorrow and understanding with a substantial amount of anger that she said she’d process later. The processing would be easier with the knowledge that Messing and the others had been stopped and were awaiting trial and sentencing. What might take longer to deal with was her guilt for having left instead of staying to find out what was wrong. Despite his telling her that he’d pushed her away and that he’d been too angry to talk about it with anyone, let alone her, at that point, she still felt that she should have tried harder. They’d reached an impasse and agreed that they both needed to process before touching on that subject again. Unfortunately, that revelation was nothing compared to what she had told him next. 

Blair had been devastated to learn that she’d suffered the same fate many years before. He’d felt such an intense wave of rage to learn that anyone would harm his mother in that manner that Naomi had become alarmed. It wasn’t until she’d assured him that she’d processed and accepted what had happened that he’d calmed enough to allow them to share their mutual grief. Later, they had meditated together and both found a measure of peace. 

He’d then told her of Lenny Taub, Rainer’s psychiatrist on staff and part of the student medical services department, who was helping him so immensely. He’d definitely be in a lot worse shape if not for him because at least now he wasn’t so screwed up that he refused to let himself cry. And even if it seemed as though he’d already cried a river of tears: tears of anger and shame, sorrow, and even self-pity, he accepted it even knowing there’d still be more to come. He was grateful, actually, for the renewed capability to shed the cleansing tears. While Naomi’s acceptance of his tears was a given, he was infinitely grateful and still in a bit of awe that he also had Jim’s acceptance. And not only his acceptance, but his sharing of Blair’s emotions as well as, almost shyly, his own. God, he loved that guy. And his belief so many months ago that the road was going to be a long and hard one had proven very true. And still, Jim continued to surprise him. 

At no time in their early relationship would he have considered Jim Ellison to be a patient man, but he’d certainly changed that aspect of his personality – at least where it concerned him. Blair winced slightly as he recalled some of their more colorful fights. He’d been dealing with so much anger and shame back then and he’d taken so much of it out on Jim. And Jim had absorbed it all although not without some cost. It still amazed him that Jim had agreed to a few of his own individual therapy sessions. While he had to admit that he felt some guilt over that, he was dealing because it was, in the long run, working out a lot better for both of them. What was also working out was – working out. He was still hitting the gym quite often which helped him deal with his more volatile emotions, but he was working-out a lot more sensibly now. With Jim as his workout partner, things were also going a lot more smoothly.

Thinking of Jim made Blair glance at the clock on the side table. Jim would be home soon. Not only was he looking forward to seeing his lover, he was also a bit anxious because Jim had called to say that he had some news about Blair’s case. Pushing away thoughts of the case, he focused instead on his last thought and smiled gently because he loved it when he even thought the words ‘his lover’. Whew, talk about hard roads. It had taken them forever to get to that point but every single step and been worth all of their effort. They’d also come to the joint conclusion that what they had wasn’t just a Sentinel/Guide thing or even a Jim/Blair thing. Being _what_ they were was so immersed in _who_ they were that there was no defining line and he found it hard now to believe that he’d ever questioned it. He shook his head and looked at the clock again. He needed to move. With a little grimace, he reached up with one hand and scrubbed at the tight curls covering his head. He scowled slightly and wished his hair would hurry up and grow back, especially since Jim had taken to making cracks about his resemblance to Harpo Marx. 

He walked into the kitchen and checked on the chili he had heating through and then began grabbing what he needed from the refrigerator for a salad. As he chopped a wide array of vegetables he again thought about the group therapy session he’d had that day with Scott, Paul, and Oscar, the fourth and final victim of Daniel Messing and his cohorts. There were still some issues he was working through but he’d found that working with the others as a group made working through them a little less painful. 

It had taken a while, but Blair finally understood that Daniel Messing and the others hadn’t taken away any part of him that night. While the rape itself was horrendous, the act had been about control and violence and Messing’s own repressed homosexual urges. _Not to mention a shitload of Daddy issues… _ Blair had learned that little tidbit through the grapevine emphasizing that the fact that it was good to have friends in the department. Unfortunately for Blair, what Messing had also done was to inadvertently push a lot of his buttons, some of which he hadn’t even been aware he had. Despite his ‘been in therapy since I was in diapers’ mentality, Blair discovered that he had a few more insecurities than he thought and not all of them were related to his physical size and appearance. His unconventional upbringing and even his intellectual abilities and how that set him apart from other students were aspects of his self-image he was working on. “Part of that whole ‘good things falling apart so that better things can fall together’, huh, Marilyn?” he asked the empty room with a small laugh.

Not surprisingly, one of his bigger hurdles to self-understanding was to believe that when Jim said he was beautiful, he wasn’t feminizing him. That, in fact, Jim saw nothing feminine about Blair at all and that he really, just truly, loved Blair’s long hair (not to mention his lips and eyes and, fortunately, his dick). Considering the jabs he’d gotten throughout his life, usually from bigger, buffer guys than him, it took a while for that concept to sink in. Right now, though, he had one particular issue in mind. It was another biggie that he was tackling during his individual sessions and it related to one very personal issue.

He hadn’t said anything about this issue to Jim because he kept insisting that their love-making was completely fulfilling and that he didn’t need anything else. While Blair still harbored some doubts about that, the fact remained that _he_ needed more. So far he’d been unable to relax enough to allow Jim to penetrate him. Jim did all the catching although, Blair chuckled to himself, Jim couldn’t help but top no matter what position they were in. Jim had also been very tender and gentle with him, almost painfully so, in fact. At first Blair had really appreciated Jim’s gentle touches but it hadn’t taken long before Blair had wanted more so he pushed, demanding that Jim accept that he wasn’t fragile. The result had been fantastic and their love-making, while still gentle, was infinitely more passionate. Since then they had done everything except that one final act.

The problem, as Blair saw it, was that with those few men he’d dated before Jim, he used to love bottoming. Now, with the love of his life finally his, Daniel Messing had come along and completely fucked that up for him. Jim seemed to instinctually understand that and had never even attempted approaching that area, automatically moving on before Blair even said anything. Blair had actually considered that maybe Jim had sensed his tension before he’d even been aware of it himself. It would make for a fascinating topic of study if there were any way in hell he could test it. He had considered asking but hadn’t been ready to actually discuss his concern about the subject at hand – until now. After numerous discussions with his psychiatrist and hours upon hours of meditation, he felt he was ready to finally go all the way.

Blair hummed a little bit of a song he’d heard earlier as he put the salad back into the refrigerator and then went back to the oven to check the cornbread he was baking. With the snowy weather outside, a bowl of chili seemed perfect…except that he still insisted they have some type of vegetable with every meal, hence the salad. He had just put some plates on the table when he heard the front door being unlocked. Although he felt a quick frisson of fear, he pushed it down just as Jim opened the door and walked in, calling out a loud greeting as he did so. In seconds, Blair was at the door and being engulfed in a pair of strong arms. Almost immediately, a large hand had made its way up to tangle in his curls and his head was tilted back as his lips were thoroughly claimed.

Jim released his lips and Blair opened his eyes to see his lover looking him over. He smiled and Blair could read not only appreciation but anticipation. Blair relaxed immediately as his Sentinel took over.

~*~*~

Jim parked the truck and jumped out, eager to get home. Even before he’d taken that first step up the stairs, he began listening for Blair. He zeroed in on Blair’s heart beat immediately. It was slow and steady. He knew what Blair had made for dinner before he reached the second floor landing. By the time he got to the door, he was humming along with Blair. Using his key, he opened the door and called out, “Hey, it’s me!” 

In seconds Blair was in his arms. He bent down and claimed the succulent mouth and let his hands tangle into the soft curls. After the initial kiss, he pulled back long enough to note every facet of Blair’s face and he thanked every power that existed for everything he had in his life at this very second and then let his senses run free. First was taste. Reclaiming Blair’s mouth, Jim reveled in Blair’s natural sweetness (though he refrained from saying that out loud until Blair could accept those kinds of sentiments with more equanimity). He knew that his partner had eaten some carrots, probably while chopping a salad. Next was scent. Although he knew they were having chili and cornbread for dinner, he filtered that out to concentrate on the scent of his partner. He smelled shampoo and conditioner and he let his fingers verify that through the silky feel of the curls wrapping around his fingers. He smelled the faint scent of smoke from a candle and knew Blair had meditated. The relaxed muscles under his other hand verified that Blair was stress-free. He looked down but purposely did not dial up his sight. It was too easy to get lost in the bright gleam of the sapphire blue eyes so he took in Blair’s beautiful face as a whole from the broad, intelligent forehead, past those gorgeous eyes to the extremely cute nose (again, something he tried not to comment on) and finally, to the luscious lip-framed smile which he returned wholeheartedly before leaning forward to nuzzle into Blair’s neck to sample the slight saltiness of his lover’s skin. Last, but certainly not least, he heard the increase in Blair’s heart rate along with a soft moan he knew Blair was unaware he’d given. He couldn’t help but take in another deep whiff as Blair’s pheromones filled the air. He let the one hand not still tangled in mahogany silk drift down to cup that perfectly rounded ass and he rumbled his appreciation deep in his chest, making Blair chuckle. “You had a good day, baby,” Jim stated with assuredness.

“Are you telling me I had a good day, big guy?” Blair asked with a small laugh and then deliberately rubbed against the hard ridge that had grown almost instantaneously in Jim’s jeans.

“Nope. Just know you did,” Jim said as he switched to the other side of Blair’s neck to give it the same treatment only this time he began to nibble a bit as he massaged Blair’s scalp making Blair moan again.

“Can’t hide nothin’ from you, can I?” Blair joked softly.

“Never want you to, sweetheart. Never again, okay?” Jim beseeched Blair seriously as he looked at Blair’s face again as though confirming with his senses that Blair really was alright.

Blair again made his solemn promise, quiet understanding in his serious eyes. Jim knew that there were still so many things Blair was working through in therapy, but not all of it was alone. He was also attending some sessions with Blair and some on his own. As a couple, there were things that they had to work on together and Jim, despite his natural reticence when it came to talking, provided all of the support he could. It was harder than he thought it would be sometimes, but he was working on it. 

“You hungry?” Blair asked when Jim slowly released him from his embrace, allowing him to walk to the kitchen.

“Yeah, I am. Ended up missing lunch today.” Blair paused in his trip to the kitchen and turned around, a slight questioning look on his face. Jim decided not to string him along. This was too important. “We got Gerald Messing on the murder of Darryl Kalinski.”

Blair’s eyes opened wide. “How’d that happen?”

Jim walked towards the kitchen, dropping his arm around Blair’s shoulders along the way. “Despite Daniel ratting out his father on the whole arms shipment deal and his father turning his back on him because of the rapes…” Jim said and then watched Blair closely for any reaction to what he was saying. Seeing none, he continued, “…it seems that the fatherly bond wasn’t completely severed. Do you remember when Daniel needed money from his old man and it sounded like he was trying to get some girl out of trouble?”

“Yeah,” Blair said as he pulled the salad from the refrigerator. 

Jim began pulling plates from the cupboard and then sniffed the air. “Cornbread’s done.” Blair rolled his eyes when the timer went off almost immediately after Jim’s statement, making Jim chuckle. While Blair took care of the bread and chili, Jim continued his story. “Well, apparently Daniel really wanted the money to arrange to have Kalinski hit.”

“Whoa! How’d you find that out?”

“Got a lead about someone witnessing Daniel trying to arrange the hit. It seems he wasn’t exactly careful when he started asking around. Anyway, once Gerald found out that we were going after Daniel for Kalinski’s murder, he confessed to it himself and we were able to get corroboration from a go-between.”

“Wow,” Blair said when he sat down at the table. Jim was right behind him with two steaming bowls of chili. “So what happens now?”

“Strumm’s sentencing is scheduled for later this week. Gibson got his deal so he’ll only serve a minimum sentence. He’ll be able to go back to school in the fall but he lost that scholarship. Football is out too, he’s off the team for violating a morals clause. Personally, I think he’ll end up transferring somewhere else but he’ll never play college football again. Now Daniel’s case will go to trial next and his Dad’s will follow sometime after that. You want to know what the funny thing is?”

Blair still looked stunned and was obviously still trying to process what Jim had told him so far, but the look he shot Jim said he wasn’t quite sure there was anything funny about the situation at all.

“What’s that?”

“Both Daniel and his father will probably serve time in the same prison along with Strumm. Since Strumm and Daniel will be convicted first, they can make way for dear old Daddy. I just hope Daddy Messing will approve of whatever son-in-law he ends up with when he gets there.”

Blair’s eyes and mouth opened wide in shock but then his lips began to curl into a smile to match the almost tentative one Jim was giving him. Seconds later, both men burst into laughter.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter completes the story. I'd like to thank everyone for reading/commenting. I truly appreciate it. Cheers!

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” – Henry David Thoreau

 

Later, after they’d finished dinner and cleaned up, they went into the living room to watch some TV. Blair snuggled up to Jim on the couch like he usually did and relaxed when a long arm snaked across his shoulders to pull him close. He felt Jim nuzzle into his hair and felt Jim’s chest expand when he inhaled his scent. It made Blair feel warm and secure – and horny.

Although Jim seemed to be intent on the show that was on, Blair couldn’t concentrate. Yes, he was horny, but he was nervous, too. Could he do this? God, he wanted it, wanted Jim inside of him. He let his mind wander down old roads with a deliberate leap over bad memories to focus on what it used to feel like when he had a man’s weight on top of him, pushing him down into a soft mattress, sliding inside of him. That it would be Jim doing this to him made his heart thump and he felt the arm around his shoulders tighten a bit and then a large hand touched his face to cup his chin and turn his face.

“What is it, baby? You’re turned on – but nervous, too. What are you thinking about?”

Blair looked up into the face that he loved so very well. Jim’s eyes were concerned but he could see the nostrils flare as Jim scented him, smelling the fact that he was turned on. He smiled. He should have known he couldn’t get from point A to point B without Jim knowing something was up. 

“I want to go upstairs,” he said, and then let his fingers wander across Jim’s thigh. He found the inseam of Jim’s jeans and ran his fingernail along the thin ridge, up and down, scratching lightly at the denim material. He wondered what the vibrations of that small movement would feel like to a Sentinel. It apparently felt pretty good judging from the low moan Jim gave as he continued the movement. The sound of pleasure made him bolder and he ran his fingernail even higher up Jim’s inseam to rub softly over the hardening, denim-covered bulge at Jim’s crotch.

Jim looked at him. This close, Blair could watch as the intense blue gaze traveled from the top of his head on down as Jim took in every feature of his face from his eyes to his nose and, finally, to his mouth. He watched as the mobile lips curved into a smile but still the eyes were worried. Blair forced himself to relax. He wanted this and he couldn’t let Jim pull back just because he was a little nervous. 

“I want you, Jim.”

“You’ve got me, baby. Anyway you want me,” Jim said, a slight bit of confusion in his eyes.

Blair nodded. “Then I want you – inside of me.”

Jim’s eyes widened and then narrowed. “I’ve told you, Blair, we don’t need to –”

“Shh,” Blair said with a smile as he put a finger to Jim’s lips. “I know. But I’m ready and I want you. You’ve just got to promise me something, okay?

Jim nodded so Blair moved his hand and wrapped it around Jim’s nape. “No matter what you think I may be feeling, because I know you might feel me tense up, you’ve got to promise to keep going, okay? I want you so bad, Jim. I need you and I don’t think I’ll ever really heal until I can have you the way I want you. I refuse to let those bastards take this away from me, so can you do that?”

Jim’s eyes blazed and his arms tightened around Blair. “I can do that, but only if you make me a promise, too.”

Blair nodded. He knew what Jim was going to ask of him.

“No matter what, if you need me to stop, you say so. Got it?”

Blair smiled. “Got it.” He leaned forward and took Jim’s mouth, claiming him as thoroughly as he hoped to be claimed in a little while. When they broke apart, Jim stood and pulled him up into his arms. Together they went upstairs.

Slowly and almost reverently, Jim undressed him. As the long sensitive fingers slowly removed each article of clothing, Jim bent his head and sniffed and licked each inch of exposed skin. The soft caress of Jim’s warm breath on moistened skin sent goose bumps across Blair’s skin. The goosebumps were then soothed away with the touch of a warm hand. 

Blair felt cherished and secure in Jim’s hands just as he always did when they made love. Now, though, with Jim’s body hovering over him on the bed and the knowledge of what was to come, Blair made sure he kept his eyes open and focused on Jim’s face. Although there were small tendrils of fear skittering across his stomach as Jim’s fingers brushed across his opening, he never wavered in his desire to be finally taken by Jim. With that sole goal in mind, he ran his hands over Jim’s chest and down across his taut belly. He lightly brushed against Jim’s straining cock and his own, slightly less tumescent one. 

“Keep your eyes on me, sweetheart,” Jim crooned softly as he carefully opened his lover. “You’re mine, Blair. You and me – always together. I love you.”

Jim continued touching, kissing, and caressing him. Blair could see tiny beads of sweat gathering at Jim’s temple but he never showed any sign of rushing or impatience despite the burning desire in his eyes – although it was desire tempered with concern. He doubled his efforts to calm himself despite the fact that his heart was beating hard in his chest and his breath was coming in quick, little pants. A new wave of determination coursed through him. He would not let those bastards win. This was Jim with him, his Sentinel – his lover. Almost fiercely, he grabbed his own dick, determined to keep his mind in the moment and not let any stray thoughts interfere.

“That’s right, babe,” Jim said as though he were reading Blair’s thoughts. “Touch yourself. Feels good, doesn’t it? You’re so beautiful like this. I need to touch you, babe. I want you so badly; want to be inside of you, loving you.”

Jim’s softly spoken words grounded him and kept this moment between just the two of them, although they really weren’t alone. Somewhere, in the distance, Blair could almost swear that he heard the low growl of a large cat. The unsettled sound was interspersed with soft huffs and rumbled purring. There was also a soft whining sound although it was not completely one of distress. It sounded needy. Blair closed his eyes for a moment and pictured the large feline licking his wolf, smoothing the ruffled fur until his wolf relaxed. Standing suddenly, his wolf nudged the jaguar with his nose and lifted a paw onto the jag’s shoulder, nudging him slightly. The large cat continued to lick the wolf wherever he could as the wolf stood and pushed against the large cat with his hip. Not surprisingly, the wolf curved his tail away, exposing his hind end to the jag in offering. Without hesitation, the cat moved to mount the wolf, his jaws opening to bite the wolf’s neck as he positioned himself before beginning to thrust. 

Blair smiled and opened his eyes to see his Sentinel looking down at him, pupils dilated and his nostrils flaring as he cataloged his changing scent, knowing that the fear was gone. Blair could feel Jim’s love enveloping him, keeping them both within a cocoon of love and safety as their mutual desire climbed. He imagined the feel of Jim’s cock sliding into him and wanted desperately to see the look in Jim’s eyes when he was completely sheathed in his ass. Blair felt his dick grow harder in his hand. Yes!

“Come on, Jim, lover – I need you,” Blair moaned and Jim bent forward to kiss him. Jim’s taste and the feel of his tongue in his mouth made Blair moan again. Jim pulled back and grabbed his knees, pushing them up into position. Blair reached to help, opening himself for his lover. 

Slowly, almost too slowly, Jim pushed his way in and Blair groaned. He felt almost too full but needed more. Jim must have sensed his discomfort because he paused but Blair didn’t want that. He wanted Jim in him completely. He let go of his knees to throw his legs over Jim’s shoulders. It worked. Jim growled low in his throat and surged forward, burying himself deeper. It felt so fucking good.

“More, Jim – fuck me…” Blair panted and Jim complied by thrusting deeper and harder. Everything went black, Blair’s whole world consisting of the feel of Jim’s cock inside of him, taking him – possessing him. An electric thrill shooting through him made Blair’s eyes open. He saw Jim with his eyes clamped shut and his lips pulled back over clenched teeth as he thrust steadily and hard inside of him. Jim’s hands were clenched around his thighs and he felt himself coming, felt the clench of his ass muscles around Jim as the world shattered and he spilled like liquid fire over the edge. He distantly saw Jim’s face change as his mouth opened into a silent “oh” just before the world evaporated around him. When he next opened his eyes he saw Jim staring down at him, still thrusting although no longer quite so evenly. They stared at one another for split second and Jim slammed in harder a couple more times before stuttering to a stop, his eyes rolling up before closing again. Slowly, the tension in Jim’s muscles eased and his hands released him. Blair let his legs slip down, taking his mind with them. He felt the heat of Jim’s body slip down next to his own as darkness rolled over him.

Blair became aware of warmth and comfort. He had no desire to move but still opened his eyes. It was dark outside although he had no concept of the time. All he knew was the feel of the large, warm body curled around his side, Jim’s face buried in his neck, soft breaths caressing his shoulder. A heavy thigh was thrown across his legs and Jim’s arm was wrapped around his waist, holding him close. He was comfortable and knew, even without Sentinel senses, that he’d been cleaned before the blankets had been pulled up and over them both. His moved his fingers and knew that his free hand was wrapped around his Sentinel’s wrist. Blair noted that his entire body felt relaxed although there was a faint throbbing in his ass. He clenched around that feeling and smiled. 

Even held as he was, Blair felt light, as though he could float up through the skylight and he realized that, at this moment, he was happier than he could ever remember being. It felt so damn good, to be happy again – really happy. He thanked every god he knew for the opportunity to feel this again, to have what he now had: his life back. Only it was so much more than that because now he had Jim, too.

“I love you, Jim,” he whispered Sentinel-soft and felt the arm around him tighten. He squeezed the wrist in his hand in return.

“Mmm, love you, Blair,” Jim murmured and placed a soft kiss against his skin and then the tightened grip relaxed and Blair knew his Sentinel had again slipped into sleep. He closed his eyes and joined him.

The End


End file.
